Oh, The Beautiful Sound of Rain!

        Though I am certain there are many who would not agree with the title of this post, particularly those who have been affected by Irma and Harvey. Even my brother who had planned on taking his husband to see the gardens in Victoria after selling Joh's art in Washington 

but took the rain as an opportunity to rest and visit with family rather than spend yet another day driving.   For those of us who have been surrounded by smoke and fires, it has been a desired gift for some time.  Hopefully more fires will be put out, much of the smoke has already cleared.  I know it will help with my breathing, my poor dry skin, and my balance. 

        I actually hadn't considered my balance before, but have been fighting off ear infections in my right ear.  That would be related to my balance, right?  Sometime after Roland and I had moved to West Valley, I started having issues with my balance.  My theory was low ceilings and lack of ventilation had contributed to my instability of movement.  Of course, the balance thing was even a greater challenge when I felt distorted whenever I’d first wake up or because of the tremendous amount of sinus infections I would experience (all in the West Valley house; I have not experienced that degree before or since)

        After my dad had had a series of strokes and was unstable on his feet, we had purchased him a tall cane and then a tall walker.  He must have been bent over when using the walker though, as I can reach my arms out at a comfortable position and I don’t have to bend     After we had cleaned out my mom’s house, Patrick ended up taking my dad’s walker.  Apparently, he also had the one that had belonged to my maternal grandma but I did not know that at the time.

        Because of my instability to move around during the night (because I drink a lot of water and my bladder is not as large as it used to be) I asked him if I could have the walker and started using it not long after my mom had passed away.  That’s when I realized he had two walkers as he had given me both as he thought dad’s might be too tall for me. 

        Oh, like a really could have used grandma’s!  I don’t even remember her being that short!  She must have really been hunched over!  I don’t even think that thing came up to my knees!  I think that is seriously the tiniest walker I have ever seen. .  What is it with getting such short walkers to assist with the walking.  I don't recall many walker users who haven't ended up leaning over and creating an even greater problem with their deformed backs as they had with their unstable legs.  But that's beside the point.

        We brought dad’s walker with us to Oregon.  I had no need for it when we were living in the first house we had rented.  I never felt distorted or unbalanced and hadn’t used it for over two years now.  But I have recently started using it again.  Ever since our trip to Medford.

        I think if we had a vehicle that rides high up – like a truck – where I have my legs bent at the knee in a dinner-chair-seated position, it might not be an issue.  But long rides with my leg in a straight or semi-bent is too much hard on my right leg.  I noticed that before we arrived in Medford last month that my right leg was really hurting.

        I believe I could have done without the assistance of the walker this morning.  I no longer feel distorted.  My hair feels soft again and so I think the rest of me will be feeling better like how I was meant to feel - our entire purpose of moving to Oregon.  I'm very grateful for the rain.  Overall, I really love this time of year.  Still missing my Utah family.  I know that coming to Oregon was/is the right move for me.  Now that we've had a wonderful rain, I can breathe again.

Harvey is Not the Nation's Only Disaster

          Every time I sign onto facebook, I have been invited to donate to the relief fund for Harvey - as I'm sure all facebook users have.  I have never dealt with the aftermath of a hurricane or earthquake or tornado and hope I will never have to.  I don't know what it's like - but it sounds horrible.  It looks horrible.  I know that there are many who are suffering.  I'm certain that the current situation in Houston Texas is worse than my own in Myrtle Creek. 

          I do know what it's like to be surrounded by cold winds and how heavy snow can get.  I have had a small taste of a heat-wave.  I can deal with mold better than some.  I can actually better deal with strong and unpleasant odors as I have lost my sense of smell - although I can smell the smoke as it lingers through any air holes it may find - the opening and closing of the door.  It is awful. I do know what it's like to struggle to breathe in smoke-filled or polluted air.  I feel for the asthmatic.

          I called Biff's mother-in-law who has already lost three  children to health issues.  Two boys have survived - one in Texas, one in Washington.  The one in Texas had been evacuated before Harvey came.  They returned to debris outside of their home.  Miraculously the inside remained unharmed.  She thinks the other is alright as well and has plans for talking with him later this afternoon.  I don't know if the air quality his family is breathing compares to ours. 

          There have been countless news stories about specific fires and many with several fires.  You can read just a few here, here, here and here.  Or you can Google your own search.  Fires have been burning most of the summer (if not all of it)

          I have been hearing the helicopters, but not seeing them.  I wonder how they are able to see.  Or perhaps I'm not really hearing them.  It just became a common sight and so I just think I hear them.

           I came to Oregon for the clean moist air.  It has disappeared along with the mountains and sky.  But I'm sure I would have headaches and coughing in Salt Lake as well.  The boys have a cousin who is unable to breathe due to asthma and fire/smoke combination in another county.  I have a brother-in-law who has probably been affected by the smoke from the same fire as he also works in an area the smoke has lingered.  It was worse at Church than it is in the house. Good testimony meeting though.

         These are various pictures I have taken of the same mountain that can't be seen at this time:

          I had an instructor post: Assignments due; if you have been affected by Harvey, arrangements can be made!  Please let us know.  That is very thoughtful to consider those who may have been evacuated, for those cleaning up, for those who possibly aren't able to sign on and see the message because of the situation. 

Harvey isn't the only natural disaster that has taken place. 

         

Riddle Celebrates

this flag hangs in our yard

Veteran Memorial at Millsite Park

               For every Federal Holiday and each holiday honoring Veterans though may not be observed by others (I had not been aware of all of the "flag" holidays that Myrtle Creek observes) Myrtle Creek lines the streets and bridges with flags.  

South Umpqua Bridger Exit 108

            The mayor credits the Elks for putting out the flags.  I don't know how early they are put out. Though the flags come out every 4th of July, Myrtle Creek itself seems like a ghost town.  People go out of town.  I don't know where they go.  Riddle, perhaps?

  

not the best pic, but the only one I can find of bridge on Exit 106

            Poor Jenna.  Her parents are tired old fuddy-duddys who don't celebrate as we did when we were younger.  Even if we were more active, I know Jenna would enjoy herself more if she were to hang with someone her own age.  We thought she might have that opportunity yesterday, but it didn't work out as any of us had expected.

            Annette had told Jenna that they would pick her up at 8:30 yesterday morning and spend the 4th with her family and she could stay the night after the fireworks.  I don't know what their plans were taking them, but Jenna was not a part of it after all.  Though Annette's mom believes they have the perfect mother and daughter relationship, their communication is even more pathetic than mine and Roland's. 

            Jenna was ready at 7:30.  8:30 came and went and by 9:00 she called to find out what had happened.  They were already on their way to wherever they were going and would not be picking her up.  I heard Jenna crying - sobbing loudly really.  She had cried herself sick and was heaving in the toilet.  I felt so helpless.

            When Annette called at 10:00 to say they were on their way to pick her up, Jenna informed her that she was sick.  I don't think Annette believed her.  Whether the miscommunication happened between Annette and her mom or Jenna and Annette, I really don't know.  But I do know that Jenna did not feel well and that her sensitive stomach in a car going straight makes her even more queasy.  The curvy roads of Oregon would just add to her car sickness even more. 

            I had told Jenna to lie down and she had tried laying down in mine and Roland's bed (as she is still currently without) but was afraid her stomach might send her heaving before she could make it to the bathroom. Thus Jenna spent the majority of the day on the bathroom floor.  I think she slept for a couple of hours.  After she started feeling better, we left the house for a while.  It was 5:00 I believe. 

            There had been a sawdust jubilee in Riddle - perhaps it's something they do every fourth of July.  Would have been nice to know that our first year here.  The only activity I could seem to find within the county was in Glendale - which I'm sure for many of the members in Glendale was a big deal - but for someone from Salt Lake City who is accustomed to city parades and fireworks and activities ALL SUMMER LONG, Glendale had been a huge disappointment - but had felt about 20 degrees cooler than Myrtle Creek - which was nice.  The year we had moved to Oregon was an especially hot summer - especially for this area - or so we were told.

            We did make it to the fireworks and saw people celebrating and felt a happiness among the people.  Perhaps we can make it a tradition next year.  I had actually hoped to have Jenna spend a few months in Salt Lake but with the unexpected death and return, it just didn't quite fit into our plans this year.

            She enjoyed the fireworks immensely.

            It really was a good show.  And I enjoyed the band that was there.  Of course she chattered the entire way home, and Roland realized he didn't have his glasses.  We said a prayer that we would be able to return today and find them.

            Jenna and I left the house this morning.  Our intention was to go north to pick blueberries, but ended up going south and west to return to the high school to look for Roland's glasses.  She found them right away.  The frame was bent and one of the lenses had popped out and the nose pads were missing.  She straightened out the frame and attempted to push the lens back into place.  Probably we'll be going to Roseburg after Roland gets off work.  Don't know whether we'll make it to the blueberry farm today or not.  It's only 68 degrees at 9 a.m.  It feels a lot warmer than that. 

It was so Windy, it blew off Jack's eyes

                I don't dislike Jack-in-the-Box but I can't say I'm an avid fan of their food.  Jack-in-the-Box does not exist in Salt Lake, and so the only time I've been is while vacationing on the west coast and it just happens to be convenient.  We've been to the one in Roseburg a few times, but not very often, which makes me wonder how it is we had even ended up with three antenna balls.  Jenna and Roland like them because it somehow makes our car easier to spot.  Well, I don't have radar eyes and if it is smaller than the tire, it is not big enough for my non-observant eyes to spot.

                The wind blew each day during our trip except for the Friday we went to Wheeler Farm.  That day was hot.  I suppose if I had a choice, I would take the wind.  I don't guess it would have mattered.  I would have probably felt comatose either way.  Roland says it takes 10 days to acclimatized.  I'd forgotten about the adjustment we had gone through during those first couple of weeks after we had arrived in Oregon.  Must just have an effect on older people however.  Jenna's body certainly didn't seem to notice.

                It just feels so weird to me that after having lived in a state for over 50 years that I would need a longer time to adjust to being there than my vacation time would allow.  Who would have believed I'd be wiped out so quickly?  In addition to dry throats and fatigue, I was experiencing heat rash.  That was a new one for me.

                Our first day on the road landed us in the small town of Lake View.  The wind was blowing really hard. 

I asked the waitress if it was normal.  She seemed a little freaked about it when she answered,

                "NO!  Not even in March.  That's when we get the most wind.  But nothing like this!"

                I don't think it was windy when we'd gone through Nevada.  But it wasn't as hot as I think of Nevada as normally being. Although it was windy in Salt Lake, it wasn't as windy as it had been during our travel.  Especially on the return back to Oregon.  Once the rain stopped, Roland was hanging onto the wheel trying to keep the car on the road.  I asked him if he felt like he was driving through the eye of the storm.  He said yes.

          Tractor Trailers (another name for Semi-Trucks or 18wheelers; a name I actually never understood until watching them moving with the wind) would pass us by and the "trailer" part would be swinging all over the road.

               I saw a green mile sign that was bent in half (couldn't even read how far apart what towns they were as the information was upside down)

                I think the face of our first Jack antenna  ball we had just faded in the sun.  But Roland claims that the wind blew them off sometime during our travels. 

What Happened to Me?

                I don't know what it is that Roland and I may have encountered on Wednesday, but something didn't agree with us.  It took a few days before we managed to get it out of our system.  He continued with some yard labor that he had started while I was bent over in the fetal position not wanting to move, for every time that I did, I'd have to race to the toilet.

                After he had finished up with one project, he decided to move onto another.

                He mentioned a yard sale that he wanted to look at.  I told him to wait until Jenna returned home and he could take her with him.  She loves yard sales.   I can take them or leave them.  When I'm in the fetal position - I just want to stay and not be bothered.  I didn't especially want to sleep all day - but I could ignore my stomach much better if I was asleep.

                Mail came and there was a check there for a survey that I had participated in.  I told Roland he could run to the bank so that he could have some cash for the yard sale.  About an hour after Jenna had returned, I decided I would go would go with Roland to the yard sell.  By then, he said he wanted to go to Roseburg, not the yard sale.  The yard sale was at least in our neighborhood.  I certainly wasn't up for going to Roseburg. When he told me what supplies he wanted, I said it sounded best that he didn't have any passengers.  And I was right.  He had loaded the car with paving bricks and soil.  Everything that had been in the trunk was moved to the front seat.  So much for a relaxing weekend.

                He said he would work like an ant.  He would carry a brick up the hill, tack it down, return for another brick.  He was going to wear himself out before he got started.  There was no reason for him to do it by himself.  I told him I would move the bricks from the trunk to the foot of the hill and Jenna could take the bricks from the bottom and take them to him at the top.  She's agile.  She can scale the hill.  I used to be.  I used to be so active.  I'd climb hills and trees.  Nowadays it's all I can do to climb the stairs.

                Even when I was walking Jenna to the bus stop and to the school and returning without her, I wasn't in the best of shape.  I don't know that I'm in particularly worse shape now.  I'm certainly not as spry as I was just 20 years ago.  That's for sure.

                After we got all the bricks in, Roland moved us towards the plants to weed, to add new soil, to rearrange . . . we did have a bed of plants that seemed almost lifeless.  The gold marigolds on the end did okay, and one rose bush just needed sprucing, but the yellow marigolds croaked.

  And the other rose bush had so many spotted leaves, Roland decided just to rip it out.    Roland reminded me that Jenna and I both took home some flowers on Mother's Day last year.  They too had croaked.  Same spot. I think there is something wrong with the soil, or there's something in the ground that isn't helping their growth (like I really know anything about plants)             Fun to see the beets are starting to sprout along with the spinach. 

On Saturday we planted corn before Roland moved us to the front.  It started raining and we had to go inside.

I don't like this aging thing at all.  I'd like to be agile again.

Ted and Trudy Will Outlive Us All

          I have mentioned my Aunt Gertrude (Trudy) in at least five posts before.  She will be 95 at the end of this year.  Her brother, Ted, just turned 99.  Both are hard of hearing, but very sharp and knowledgeable.  Their bodies have weakened over the years, especially Trudy's.

          Aunt Trudy was always doing for other people.  For many years she drove a friend to the grocery store.  Up until a year ago, Aunt Trudy was still driving - even in her overly bent shape.  I don't know that she ever had an accident, but I still felt a sense of relief to know she wasn't able to renew her license again.  If she just hadn't taken that spill on Easter Sunday in 2013, she probably would have her driver's license.  For she wasn't so frail until after that.

          My cousin, Michelle, sent out a facebook message to the family to give us an update on the status of Aunt Trudy.  I read "St. Mark's" and "pneumonia" and thought of each of my parents.  Mom, who died only ten days after being admitted to St. Mark's hospital, and dad, who had pneumonia when he passed.  But as it turns out, Aunt Trudy is still in great health - aside from her hearing and now her weak legs.

          It is now Aunt Trudy's time to be served rather than serve everybody else's needs.  She obviously can't drive Ted anywhere. Thus several family members have been rallying around Ted and Trudy to get them to appointments. I think taking them to an attorney would be a great appointment to make and keep.

          Aunt Trudy had taken another fall and was taken to the hospital.  She was in the hospital for even less time than she had been in 2013.  Back to rehab.  Even closer to the assisted living where my mom was staying.   Michelle encouraged family members to put in so many hours a week so that Ted and Trudy's welfare may be attended to. 

          I feel helpless not being able to contribute my time as I am in another state.  At the same time, I know that if I were in Utah right now, I would have a sinus infection that would put me out of the loop for a while - not as long as Ted and Trudy will be around.  They say the secret to living such a long and healthy life is to eat sardines.  Apparently I will not live near as long as the thought of eating sardines makes me nauseous. 

          Ted and Trudy have outlived their two older brothers by 40 and 50 plus years.  They've outlived two sisters-in law, 2 nephews, 1 niece, a niece-in-law as I'm certain many others.  I had heard they had three aunts who had lived to be over 100.  As of now, I don't see any truth to that if the records are accurate.  It appears that Ted and Trudy have more years on earth than even they did.  

Coming Out

     If you were to look at the family photographs from my mom’s collection (now in Corey’s possession) you probably would not find a huge amount of photos of Patrick.  He hated having his picture taken.  There are probably at least four times as many photos of Corey and me – the camera hams of the family. 

It seems like at least half the photos we have of Corey, he appears to be wearing these stupid gold sleepers.  Corey was always sick – or at least it seemed he was.  My mom had bought a boatload of sleepers in assorted sizes – though they were all the same color and all for Corey.

Until his tonsils were removed, not a year went by that he didn’t stay home from school with a case of tonsillitis.  I think he may have gone an entire school year without staying home from school with some kind of illness.  But every year after that he would miss out because he was physically sick.

  Corey was skinny for so much of his youth – we had believed that his health and his weight might have been due to being premature.  The sicknesses continued through high school, college, and work – it continued.  He told me that he was always sick while preforming at a local theatre not far from our house in Midvale, Utah.  I do remember one time in particular when he was playing a villain in a show.   

He’d gone to the theatre with absolutely no voice.  He did go on stage while somebody read the lines as he mouthed the words.   It may have been more disastrous that his mouth movements and words were not in sync, but a very talented actress on stage was able to cover it up with telling him that he was so evil that his words weren’t in perfect timing with what was being said (or something to that effect).

Though I have raved about having awesome health and being able to breathe, I developed another sinus infection about two weeks before Corey arrived in Oregon for a visit.  It was not the worse sinus infection I’ve ever had.  In fact, of all the sinus infections I’ve ever had, it has been the least painful.

However the medication has seemed slower at fixing me – and my breathing has sounded exactly the way it had in Salt Lake.  Gosh darn.  Roland kept reminding me that I needed to become well before my brother came – not only didn’t I want to make a liar out of myself – but Corey has always been so receptacle to any kind of germ.

 He would seriously get sick while watching documentaries about sick people.  And it wasn’t because he was a hypochondriac.  It was because he was closeted.  I had actually never made that connection before until he mentioned it the other day.

For more than half of his life Corey had been dealing with the issue of same sex attraction.  He liked guys and fantasized about guys in the same manner that his peers fantasized about and liked girls and woman.  Corey had been conditioned that there was something wrong with his perception.  Thus Corey could never admit to anybody how he felt.  It was an embarrassing secret – one he tried to pray away, one he tried to shake off, one he tried to ignore, one he did feel ashamed of because he’d been conditioned to. 

All that pain, all that sadness, all that fear, all those daily battles within himself, all that constant fighting to change his perception, all of that turmoil and struggle had to come out.  Bottling it all up had contributed to his becoming physically sick.  He told me that after he came out, he didn’t get physically ill all of the time.  He doesn’t get sick.  He can actually be around sick people now. 

His health has been like a metaphor of his life.  When he kept it all in he felt sad, ashamed, angry, beaten and physically ill.  Now that he’s come out he has experience happiness, confidence, responsible, controlled.  Corey is one of my greatest friends.  His coming out has made for a more solid relationship.  Each of us is comfortable with one another and don’t hold back any “secrets” we may have.  And that just makes us stronger.

The Choices We Make

     You ever notice that the choices we make not only affect you but those around you as well?  Take my decisions to leave the majority of my family to move to another state for the sake of my health.  And yet I personally have known others who have said, “I’m not going to leave my family.  Even if the doctor says it’s in my best interest, I won’t give up my children, my grand-children . . .” or what have you.  That’s their choice.
 

     Some live long lives and are successful with their health choices.  Others continue to hack out their lungs while babysitting grandchildren while their children are at work and end up dying anyway.

 

     Sometimes it becomes a larger burden for the child (or children) to bury the parent than it would have been if the parent had just moved out of state.  Sometimes it’s easier, realizing the sacrifices that were made by said parent.  Often there are questions with either decision.  Some questions go unanswered or are misunderstood.

     My decision to move has affected Jenna’s education, as she will not be able to continue with in the dual immersion program – not at this time.  I don’t want her to lose what she has been taught and continue with her Spanish.  But foreign language is not even offered until she’s in high school. I hope to be living in a different part of the state by then.

     Our decision to leave Utah so abruptly caused stress for both Tony and Rochelle – who were also facing challenges of imperfect health. Our unorganized chaotic house only added to the stress – I’m sure.

     Mom had a good friend mentioned here and here who had secluded herself from everyone she knew – including her own family.  They all knew that she was sick.  They just didn’t know how sick.  She chose not to tell them because she did not want them to worry.  Though I do understand her choices, I think her decisions made it a lot more difficult on her family members – who knew how opposed Pam was to funerals and thus the family chose not to have one for her.  For me, it seemed symbolic to the end of her life: It felt very empty as if there was no closure. 

         I have learned throughout my life that funerals are for the living – not the deceased. I would actually be a lot more gracious with being honored once I’m deceased as it isn’t something I’m too comfortable with while I am living. I’m not big on hoopla. I didn’t even want a wedding reception. But there were a huge number of people that hoped that I would. And so I had one – for them. It did not take place until after Roland and I had been married for over a month.
    

     Are the choices we make good or bad?  Do we regret our decisions?  I don’t regret moving to Oregon.  I know that I am breathing better.  My oldest son says I definitely look happier. I am for the most part.  I smile a lot more when I go to church.  I laugh at situations that I can’t control.  I don’t worry.

     I took Jenna to the pool today and while I sat outside waiting for her, I cried for the first time since we've been in Oregon.  I was crying about being so far from my family members.  Jeanie’s having a baby shower this week. Jenna wishes we could go.  I did give shower gifts to my two pregnant girls before I left – but it’s not the same.

     I won’t hear my grand-daughter tell me she wants to go jump on the trampoline or see BJ’s smile light up when he sees me.  It makes my whole day.  I miss playing games with Kayla and Bill or the boys.  I miss their asking, “Where’s dad?”  “Where’s Jenna?”

     Two of my boys actually fought over taking Jenna trick-or-treating last year.  Tony was promised that he would get her this year.  There’s a promise broken.  I’m not sending Jenna back to Utah just to go trick-or-treating.  I think she is getting too old for trick-or-treating anyway.  Although it is easier to get away with when going door-to-door with your three-year-old niece or your five-year-old cousin.

     Corey (who actually posted this same subject and similar title to his blog here which I didn't realize until just before I posted) kept himself closeted for years knowing his decision to come out would not only affect him – but each of his family members.  I think he was scared on how we’d react.  He had already had a taste of what he thought was a bad reaction from me – and it was. 

I had behaved poorly – but not because he said he was gay – but because I had figured out that I had stopped caring about him somewhere along the way and it didn’t matter to me whether he was gay or not because I just didn’t care about him anymore.  (see post here) And that’s what is most upsetting – that I had stopped caring. 

   I am so so grateful that we’ve mended the fences that were built between us and that we are supportive of one another and that he is truly happy.  I love him with all my heart.  I love each of my family members.  It does hurt that I am so far away.
 

But I can breathe.

      Perhaps it’s selfish of me to prioritize my health over being with them.  Perhaps it seems selfish that I would rather communicate electronically rather than have my children or grandchildren remember me as hacking all the time and eventually gasping for air until I die.

     I don’t particularly want to die alone – but like Pam, I don’t want my children to worry about a funeral as the expense of them coming to Oregon or shipping my body back to Utah seems quite unnecessary.  Bury me quietly and remember me as having more years because I could breathe.  Because really, what good (or fun) am I if I’m constantly gasping for air.  I don’t want my death to be a relief to them.  I’m sure they wouldn’t (or don’t) miss the sounds.

     I’m grateful that I didn’t have to move here by myself but that I do have Roland and Jenna with me.  And as a member of the Church I automatically have a support group in the current ward (church) that I attend. I hope my decisions will bless those here as well as those that are still in Utah (and Nevada) 

     Whether I had stayed in Utah or come to Oregon, my choices would have affected my family either way.