Investing Emotions and Getting Burned

             When I was younger I remember psyching myself into believing I didn’t care.  I didn’t care about boys or dating.  I didn’t care about peers or school.  I didn’t care if plans fell through.  I knew it was wrong.  I knew it was unhealthy to deprive myself of feeling any other emotion. I just knew that if I could convince myself that I believed I didn’t care it would be so much easier to handle than disappointment or rejection.  It was.  It truly was.  This heartache and turmoil is such a bunch of crap that most anybody would rather do without.  We’re told the sad/bad/hard emotions gives us strength.  Boloney!!!  Disappointment and heartache bite big time!

            When Jenna was younger we befriended a family that consisted mostly of Khonnie and her two children.  Dennis was gone for the most part driving trucks across the country.  Their children never saw the inside of a public school building as they were both home schooled.  I think her youngest was four years older than Jenna.  Oh, but they had a connection.  All of them did.  She loved them and they loved Jenna.  I thought we were good friends for a couple of years and then something happened that made Khonnie snap.

            We had been out walking and Jenna was in dire need of a nap.  Khonie's youngest wanted to play with Jenna and kept on prodding her.  I kindly asked him to leave her alone.  But he kept add it. I did not feel it my place to discipline but Khonnie was not doing anything to discourage his behavior.  Perhaps I raised my voice at him?  I don't remember. I had told the family earlier that I was taking Jenna to the aquatic museum and they could accompany us if they’d like, my treat.  But Jenna would have to take a nap first and perhaps if she had been left alone she would fall asleep.  Khonnie saw this as a threat, decided to no longer walk with us and took her children home. 

            When I cry I like to keep my emotions to myself because when I try sharing, I blubber more, I go through more Kleenex and I tend to lose huge amounts of sleep (not that I have ever had the best sleeping habits to begin with).  Khonnie evidently called Roland to tell him how mean I was and he brought home some flowers and tried to comfort me.  I felt bad that I was being comforted with a doting husband when hers was rarely even around – and I doubt that he ever doted at that.

            After that it was off again on again with her flippant behavior and attitude.  I finally had to say,

 

“Enough!  My heart can’t handle this.”

 

Roland, Jenna and I had moved to Oregon the summer of 2015 – about six to eight weeks before two of our granddaughters were born.  Both daughters-in-law seemed supportive about the move.  However once the babies came my eldest daughter-in-law turned into Sybil (a case of multi-personality for those who have not seen or read).  She unfriended me on facebook at least twice and would block me each time.  The second time she blocked herself she had also gotten a hold my son’s account and blocked him from my facebook account as well.  I went through a whole array of emotions during that entire ordeal.  What I didn’t make a connection to was her on meds  (here).  

I had never considered how drugs can have major side effects that while possibly taking care of the problem at hand may have empowerment over one's mind that isn’t controlled.  When I think about it, I have been disoriented due to lack of medication or the medication itself.  I would think that kind of rationalization might help the situation – but it doesn’t.  It still sucks to be treated with such an ill manner by someone – even if it’s not intentional. 

Not only did I feel emotionally scarred by Jeanie’s actions but had unwillingly allowed myself to relive my days with Khonnie.  The emotional stress I felt with Khonnie did not prepare me for any heart-bleeding turmoil I would feel with Jeanie.  Jeanie’s flippancy only added fuel to the fire.  I took sleeping medicine but it didn’t help. I was emotionally drained inside and out.  And I don’t want to be an emotional wreck in front of Jenna.  She is positively happy.  I don’t want this anguish I have felt to bring her down.

Seven years between the two and now (five years later) I have just experienced the latest attack.  I knew it was the meds talking.  But there were so many parallels between the latest (nice way to wrap up 2020) and Jeanie that I had gone from hurt to angry within only a couple of days.  I had gone into more detail with this initial post created on December 18, 2020 but have removed the details after three months.  I don't need to remember the details.  I need to forget.

a Final Assignment

I found the following assignment still in my files.  I remember submitting it to the writing center.  The person giving me feedback suggested I lose this first line - which I do tie into my closing statement.  As I recall, even my instructor had said it was a poor way to start out a paper.  It is called an attention grabber.  The idea was suggested to me by the dean of the English department.  I can't remember whether I stuck to my guns or not.  I think I did but did not receive full credit.  Ironically, I was not stressed about it.

       “Many a calm river begins as a turbulent waterfall, yet none hurtles and foams all the way to the sea.” – Mikhail Lermontov (Sweatt, 2016).

            There are many things that cause stress such as relationships, finances, health issues of loved ones, not being able to meet deadlines due to heavy traffic, power outages or other elements .  In this assignment I will focus on stress in the workplace (Cause, 2019).

            Work situations are different for each of us.  I will not be able to cover them all, but allow me to provide some examples. Employees that work in sales may feel pressure from a manager who has a deadline to meet.  Those who work in fast foods may feel tension as they deal with unsatisfied customers.  Bosses may get upset with staff members who do not show up for work or put forth their best effort to perform. Dealing with faulty equipment such as a broken copy machine or a computer that is not getting internet may also contribute to stress.

I have fulfilled many temporary job assignments working for companies that rely on one or more employment agencies. There have been cases when a business seems short-staffed due to illnesses, vacations, or other reasons. These companies may take the opportunity to negotiate a contract with an agency that will send out employees to assist with a variety of job situations. 

One of the first temporary assignments I had accepted was with a government agency near my home.  My job description was locating files for case workers in the department of child and family services or DCFS.  I did not mind the work.  I enjoyed being a floating agent as different workers at DCFS were able to utilize my skills in several areas and teams. I was happy with being a temp as I would have not enjoyed being an employee of DCFS.  I saw many workers who felt stressed by case loads, paternal issues, and placement. 

I remember an entire team evacuating the building less than a week after I had started.  Their team had been transferred to another building located in different city. If I had been a part of that team, I would not have gone.  Location is a high priority with me.  I noticed that DCFS seemed to move their employees with less than a 24 hour notice.  I do not know who was responsible for moving teams. That would have stressed me out.

Though I have occasionally felt some tension with each job I have had, I do not recall feeling so much anxiety at work as I have felt on the commute getting there or returning home.  Many workers who live in large cities are already stressed before the workday even starts (Wener, 2003).  Daylight Saving is another stress factor that may result with the work stress.  Although it only happens once (twice counting back to standard) a year, it seems to have a negative ramification on many to perform tasks responsibly.  Just because the clock displays a certain time does not mean my body will agree with it.  In fact, many will feel sleep deprived not just the first day the clocks are set forward (or back) but several days following (Daylight, 2014). Thus in addition to stress, one may also experience fatigue. The time change does not affect only those in the workforce but those who attend school regardless of what stage or grade they are in.

            I have seen people risk both their physical and mental health due to stress.  Overeating, raising one’s blood pressure or cholesterol are not ideal stress relievers as they are harmful to the body.  It is best to pause and take some deep breaths or to go for a walk to clear the mind when the tension seems overbearing (Stress, 2013). Stress effects the emotions or the amygdale part of the brain.  It may also harm the hypothalamus, a part of our brain which commands our nervous system and involuntary body functions (Understanding, 2018).

            There are many different stress relievers.  Some may be as simple as lighting a candle or chewing gum.  Some stress relievers may be more mindful such as writing about what ails you (Jennings, 2018).  I favor the journal and blog method as it is a great outsource for me.  It also helps to be able to laugh at a situation (Neis, 2019).  My brother and I created several posts about my mom and make comments about everybody involved with her care as she had dementia.  We would often write with humor in order to focus on the positive.  We were living in a sitcom at times. My husband laughs at frustrating situations all the time and it really is quite helpful.

            Allow me to refer back to my opening quote. We all experience turbulence in our lives. We need to keep in mind that we need to control the stress before it controls us.  Eventually we will all make it to the sea.  May we do so by letting go of harmful stress.