Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Somewhere Between Walter and Sheldon

                There is a student in my accounting class who thrives on accounting.  She LOVES accounting.  Her interest is consumed in accounting.  It is her primary focus.  I don't know if she has any other interest. 

                When posting to the discussion, we are suppose to use at least 150 words (some classes say 300;  it depends on the class) and she always uses over 1,000.  At first I thought it was an attempt to show off her knowledge, but after having at least two other classes together, I can see that she is not only knowledgeable but passionate as well.  She wants to share her passion.

                I do not share her passion.  Accounting is a complicated language.  I don't think it needs to be.  I can pick out words that make sense to me, but overall I feel like the character on the outside of the "nerd-circle".  Two television shows come to mind.  Both series of CBS.
The first is a drama/crime show called "Scorpion" which is about four geniuses who work for/with a government agent to solve problems that the average human mind wouldn't be able to grasp.  Walter is the over achiever who is academically gifted but totally lacks in reading emotions.  The only person he has ever seemed to be attached to is his sister who had a disability that he wanted to make better. He basically heads the group - or believes that he does.

Happy is the mechanic of the group. She is comfortable with infusing things together and making them work.  She is estranged from her father or any other relationship for that matter.

Toby is the doctor of the group.  He seems to understand what is needed to fix the human body, both physically and emotionally.  He uses humor as a defense mechanism.  Toby likes to gamble.

Spencer is possibly my favorite character of the four.  He's overweight, loves comic con,  excels in any and all forms of arithmetic, is germaphobic.

The first season introduces Paige and Ralph.  Ralph is a boy genius who excels beyond his peers.  He's eager to learn on a college level and understands complicated words - more complicated than accounting.  Paige is his mother.  She doesn't understand her son's mind.  She doesn't understand academic complication.  She doesn't seem to have a great handle on relationships as there have been complications with her mother and Ralph's father.  She does understand emotion and ends up working with team Scorpion even though she is far from being a genius. She has emotional intelligence.  I seem to identify most with Paige as I go through my courses of study: overwhelmed by the complexity of the trade, but understanding the personal aspect of self.
"The Big Bang Theory", a situation comedy, also focuses on four nerds who hang out together.  They are Leonard, Sheldon, Raj and Howard.  All four work at the same University in California.  Three are scientists and one an engineer. All four love comic con, "Star Trek", and "Star Wars". I would be most interested in going out with Leonard and Raj.  I would not want to date anyone like Sheldon or Howard.  Sheldon thinks quite highly of himself.  He's a gifted know-it-all who does not recognize emotions, sarcasm, or why people might find him offensive.  He's a highly exaggerated character who also loves trains.

 Howard can also be offensive - usually to the opposite sex.  He is overly insecure.  He lives with his mom for most of the series.

Penny is their neighbor who, for the most part, has no clue what the others are saying.  The expressions she wears are similar to the ones I wear in accounting.  It seems like she will sleep around with almost any breathing guy.  But even she is revolted by Howard.

I think the classmate I refer to at the beginning is somewhere between Walter and Sheldon.  I don't know that she gets emotions.  She has them, obviously, but they seem to be tucked away far beneath her intellectual passion.  She's asked me for "answers" to other class projects outside of accounting.  I've tried explaining to her that she should not expect to receive a grade based upon my opinion; rather she needs to have her own.  I think the idea of sharing emotional opinion is as foreign to her as accounting is to me.

 Have you ever seen those questionnaires on BuzzFeed or Zimbo that ask "What Disney Princess are You" or "What Scorpion Character" or "Big Bang Charter are you?"  I don't see how anyone can honestly end up with Sheldon or Walter.  I don't believe that either one of them would take the quiz seriously enough to sit down and actually take the time to take the personality quiz - which of course is only done in fun and has no relevance - which is another reason that neither one of them would take it.

Friday, December 8, 2017

So Many Emotions

        I seem to be on an emotional kick since my psychology class started last week.  I've dealt with a lot of emotions the last couple of months - so have many members of my family and Jeanie's family as well.

        Jeanie is the late wife of my eldest son.  She passed in June and Biff stayed with his in-laws until November 1 or just the end of October.  Biff has experienced a lot of loneliness, some anger, not always positive emotion during his lifetime. He's most happy at the gym.  Working out gives him motivation.

        Jeanie was protective of him much of the time, but not always.  Often there would be meds or demons that would interfere with her thinking.  Sometimes she was nasty and would kick Biff out of the house and would not allow him to see Ali.  Many of us envisioned a repeat of Roland's choices.

        Biff has felt a bit smothered by his in-laws - he thinks they interfere, but I think it's a psychological need on their part.  They have already lost three children in the last eight years; the other two live out of state.  Their single daughter-in-law is living with a guy that she's not married to - which Biff had said was wrong.  Perhaps his in-laws were holding on too tightly to Biff.  He decided to move in with a girl he just starting dating.

        What!?!?  Are you out of your mind?!?  Everybody seems to share in the reaction.  Did you not just say it was wrong for your sister-in-law to be in that situation?  Do you remember what happened with dad and his battle with his ex-wife?  Don't you remember what happened to you?  ?????  All these emotions.  Brothers.  Sister.  Sisters-in-law.  Parents.  In-laws.  I felt so helpless reading through his mother-in-law's posts as she tried to come to terms with what had taken place.

        Some kind of dispute.  I don't know the details but I know Biff can be defensive.  I'd been shaking my head over the entire situation.

        On Monday or Tuesday I had started my assignment for psychology.  We are supposed to find at least five steps to create a strategy for better emotional health.  I had written one sentence - only one.  Kayla emailed me with a comment about Biff.  She said she noticed that he was dating and looked happy and thought it great that he had someone to spend the holidays with.

        I watched a video on emotions.  I was seeing Biff's emotions and not my own.  I am supposed to be the focus of my assignment, not him.  But I had words.  Written words and thoughts.  Enough for an assignment.  Guess I'll use it for a post.  Maybe not.  I saw the picture and had a change of heart.  His new girlfriend describes him with the same exact words that Jeanie did.  Exactly.  We had the following conversation:

Me:     "You look awesomely happy.  Good for you!"

Biff:      "I am [pause] other then the drama it causes with  [the in-laws] but definitely worth it"

Me:     "I'm sorry there's drama with the in-laws.  They're just worried about your decisions as they were/are the welfare of [widowed daughter-in-law]. Sometimes revelations happen that just can't be explained. Take Corey and Joh for instance"

Biff:      "That's true!  Did I tell you it was a revelation?  Because it really was!"

 Me:     "You didn't [say anything to me].  It was something that Kayla said, actually - that and a combination of emotion from my psychology class.

            He mentioned a personal documentation (aka his personal scriptures) that gave him some insight to assist his way of thinking.  I related as I had gone through the very same thing just over sixteen years ago.  I know my mom really had a problem with my sudden engagement to Roland - hey, so did I!  But it was revealed to me.  It was my personal revelation, not hers.  And nobody else is getting David's either.

            It's hard to think that we would actually be inspired to do something contrary to what we've been taught all along.  Why would it be okay to be deceitful (Gen. 20:11 - 12) or kill (1 Nephi 4:10) or to lay down with one unwed (Ruth 3) or why would it be okay to embrace homosexuality? 

        We don't know another's heart or his/her revelations.  We can pray that we may have peace based upon another's decision.  We may not get the same revelation, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. I'm more at peace with it than I was last month - or even just a few days ago.  I have my sister to thank for helping me turn my emotions from turmoil to joy. 

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Thoughts About Yesterday

I think Roland woke me up
to ask me something
I don't remember what
I guess he didn't wake me
but I did get out of bed

I dragged myself into the
living room.  I don't even
know what time it was
Jenna asked me if I would
make her lunch.
I made a sandwich and
cut some potatoes and
the remaining ham and
put them in the crock pot with
2 cans of milk and a 
can of corn.

I went out to the shed
for bubble wrap and boxes
and started wrapping ornaments
to mail to the boys.
I had planned on sending letters and
the "legend of the candy cane" thought.

first package: Tony's family.  Large box. Extra
items.  First I put in bubble wrap for padding
boxes of cookie decorating kits
hats, ornaments.  Seal box.  Whoops.  Forgot
the letter. 
Go to computer.  Type and print letters.
Put Tony's in an envelope.  Tape it to
the box.

Next:  I open box of hats for Randy's family
wrap ornaments.  Take off tags.  Whoops. Hadn't
done that on Tony's either. 
Pack ornaments and hats
oh, and reindeer antlers for Devin. 
Packing is a bit tight.  I think I broke off
Santa's pom pom.
Reopen package for Tony's family.
Remove tags from the hats.  Reseal package.

Package for Biff.  Where are the socks I had?
Come on!  I had three sacks of ornaments.
One of the ornaments is missing.  I was frustrated
about it yesterday.  Stopped packing to look. 
Missing sock ornament is hanging in Jenna's room.
Did she even ask me about it?

Realize the mitten ornaments for Randy's family
are still on the table.  Break the seal on
that package.  Reseal.  Need a box for five
ornaments to send to Kayla and Bill.  Made
a special one for BJ.  It is a caterpillar.
All the boxes are too big.  I need a smaller box.
I could trade this for the one I packed for
Randy's family.  I break the seal again.

I realize that I have jumped from past to present
and back again.  My eyes are heavy.  I don't
think I had enough sleep.  Did not get much
accomplished yesterday as far as school goes.
I did get the packages sent off.  I started this
post after I finished this week's assignment
for one of my classes.  I turned it in last night.

Today I have to work on the assignment for
my other class.  I also have to respond to
two discussions and do my daily check points.
I did not start any of this last night as my mind
is ready to enter slumber land.  I will appreciate
it if it will just shut off a while and allow me to
get a good amount of needed sleep.
Starting a test now.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Remember the Positive

Every time your children do something wonderful, write it down.  

Whenever your children do something that makes you upset, refer to the list of actions you've admired.

Focus on the good things.  Don't dwell on the anger or sadness.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Tired of Waiting

I HATE waiting
I Despise it
Waiting for the plumber
to return my call
Waiting for Tony and Rochelle
who often don't show at all
Waiting for Roland to
follow through on plans
Waiting for City Council and
board members to make a
decision about the libraries.
Waiting for the show to start
Waiting for someone to answer
Waiting for the question
Wasting time waiting while
watching Aunt Jean play with
the dog. 
Waiting for dinner
Waiting for the rest of my family
to get up on Christmas morning
Waiting for the mailman
Waiting in line
Waiting for law enforcement
Waiting for the results
Waiting at the doctor's office
Waiting for the cars to move
Waiting on tables to customers
oblivious to a busy situation
Waiting for the snow to be plowed
Waiting for the temperature to drop
Waiting for the food to cool
Waiting for the car
Waiting for a broken
heart to heal

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Numbers and Nightmares

I've turned in the math assignment for this week and have taken the assessment.  One more week and assessment to go.  This is how I truly understand math:

If Bob is waiting for his bus at the corner of Lupis and Vine on a Tuesday and he is eating Strawberry ice cream, but not quickly, and his melted ice cream is dripping onto the sidewalk before the bus comes;  meanwhile, three cars have passed and none have bothered to offer Bob a ride, how far is the sun?

 If Lisa has agreed to babysit for Mrs. Brown, and walk the dog for Mrs. Green and water plants for Mrs. Plumb, what color is Lisa's shirt?

 If Hector collects rocks and balloons and gives one balloon to Kathy for nine seashells, what day of the week is it?

I do like my instructor.  I wish I had just one ounce of her passion.  But I don't.  It's math.  I've found some videos that have been helpful.  Others are . . . what??????  I came across one video in which the Berstein Bear was showing me how NOT to do the math - okay it wasn't the actual  Berstein Bear - itt just felt that way as he demonstrated at least six ways not to do it before he demonstrating the correct way.  IF he shows me the correct way.  He pretty much lost me at polyominols and what this letter could be and what this figure could represent . . . huh?

I did come across one over twelve minutes long and for the most part was easy to follow.  But what are you supposed to think when the instructor of the video starts yawning?  I'm with you Pal.  I was there before the video even started.  I know I'm not the only person who hates or doesn't get math.  My class is full of lost individuals.

Sometime between 3 and 5 this morning there were numbers and factors taunting me.  They were laughing at me while I slept.  Some were dancing to the soundtrack of La La Land.  That was weird.  I don't appreciate these numbers haunting me, bullying me.  Gosh, just let me sleep! It's bad enough I have to deal with algebra when I'm awake (actually I did take a nap before completing my assignment as the equations really did put me to sleep. 

 I HATE Algebra.  I still have two more weeks of "What the heck?"  I finally posted my discussion - which I normally try to do on Monday or Tuesday, but not with this class. My brain has a major cramp.  We're supposed to solve  - or rather break down the simplified so that it reads with complication and I can't do that if I don't understand it.  That's only part one.  In part two the class is supposed to explain why we need Quantitative literacy . . .  wha-wha-what?  Quantitative whatnow? 

I did a copy and paste for a reference I might consider using later on.  It came out like this:


that reads pretty much to my understanding.  Now onto my other class - which surprisingly I am doing quite well in.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

How do you feel?

          Imagine your childhood.  What did you dream about?  Becoming a firefighter? ballerina?  traveling through space?  Imagine what your interest was when you were in your teens?  Did you set goals for a particular profession?  Did you develop a talent such as dancing or playing the piano? 

Did you learn skills that would steer you in the direction that you were seeking to go?  How did you get there?  What do you do?  Did you fulfill your dream?  or did you settle? 
            Let's just say (for example) that you may have studied the stars and dreamed about traveling through space. You studied science. 

You didn't apply to work at NASA for whatever reason.  Instead, you became a teacher.  You love your students.  You love sharing your knowledge with them.  Your desire of space travel has been left on the back burner.  Now imagine it's 1984 and Ronald Reagan has made the announcement of the "Teachers in Space Program".   How you might feel if you were told you had an opportunity to train for a childhood dream?

                Imagine being one of 114 candidates selected out of over 10,000 applicants.  You have the opportunity of participating in a one week workshop in June.  How do you feel?  Excited? Apprehensive?  You go through extensive training with those who share your profession.  Only one of you will be picked to advance to the space station with six trained astronauts.  How do you feel? Determined? Competitive?  Are you a team player?   When you go before a committee from NASA to answer questions, how do you feel?  Are you confident? Prepared? nervous? anxious?

Now, imagine that it's July 19,1985 and Ronald Reagan is announcing who will be the first teacher in space and it isn't you?  How do you feel?  Happy for the one chosen?  disappointed in yourself? resentful? 

Now imagine it is January 28, 1986.  You have turned on your TV to watch the liftoff of the Challenger space shuttle.  Within seconds after take-off, the shuttle explodes.  You see fire in the sky.  Everyone on board has died.  You were not chosen. How do you feel?

               I'm not really certain what triggered this post - except for I had written "Challenger: those that hadn't made it".  I had read an experience in one of many "Chicken Soup for the Soul" - I don't remember which one.  He went into more detail about the hard work and how he felt - before the announcement, before the explosion, and after the explosion.

       I think because sometimes we will see ourselves or our children or someone else that we know work so hard at something, persistent even.  And even with all the hard work, the study, the prayer, the dreams . . . there are several emotions that go on when we didn't get picked.  When we didn't get the approval.  When we felt we weren't chosen. Do we feel like failures when that happens?  Maybe there's a reason we didn't get "chosen".  Perhaps Heavenly Father has something else in mind.  And sometimes we have the advantage of saying, "Oh, I guess it really wasn't meant to be".  How great it would be if we were able to put our faith in Heavenly Father to begin with.


            There are hundreds of examples of things that went wrong that prevented something even more devastating - like oversleeping, car accidents, power failure - all interferences.  And yet what worse thing did you miss?  A woman living in Oklahoma was already late for work at the Federal Building when she experienced car problems on April 19, 1995.  She may have thought her situation irritating at the time.  She was still stranded on the highway when the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building (where she worked) was bombed.  And what feelings must have gone through her mind.

     I have been in enough frustrating situations that turn out for good that I try to keep it with me that "this may be a blessing" and try to be thankful before I know the end results.  (see here) My situations have never offered as much drama.  I do have quite a bit to be grateful for.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

New Beginnings: Welcoming Jenna

            I looked online to find sources and give credit to the creator of last night's activity. I found one on pinterest dated March 2011 but there's one on sugardoodle dated 2008 and I would guess even more with early dates.  Though it's gone through many tweaks (as with the young women's, new beginnings, and personal progress themselves) even plausible that it was created before internet access.  Bless those that have shared their ideas through posts and other internet sources.  I commend you, but as I am unable to find the original source, I will not be referring  other sites with this particular post.

            We had to have Jenna at her school by 5:00, though the concert wasn't scheduled to start until 5:30.  Her instructor had advised the class to dress up - girls wear dresses and boys wear ties.  I guess there was some question about why a girl couldn't wear a tie.  He was okay with that and so Jenna chose to wear a tie.  I took her picture before we left the house.

              It was a fun a fun concert.  

After it ended, we returned home for Jenna's basketball and went to the church.  She and Roland shot a few hoops before the "New Beginnings" program started.

            Aside from the leaders and their children, we were the first to arrive as they put on the final touches of the decorations and refreshment table.  The theme was:

A "yellow brick road" had been added to the floor that led to the temple

            We were each given a program that matched the poster ad


            Jenna had originally chosen to sit in the back with two of her classmates from primary, but Roland and I moved her to sit with us.  She was moved again just before the meeting started - this time to the very front row where she sat with the young women.

            Our opening song was "I am a Child of God" and then the girls and leaders stood up to do the Young Women's theme  - which was included in the program for those of us who aren't familiar with it

            The young women's president then  stood up to welcome everyone - particularly Jenna, the newest member of the young women.

            We then recited this scripture (while sitting)

            Jenna was then called up by the second counselor who gave an introduction about Jenna.  I have never cried when I've dropped Jenna off at her first day preschool or kindergarten or first grade.  But there were tears in my eyes last night when the first young women took her hand and led her down the yellow brick road and stopped at "faith" to give a message on the value and also gave Jenna a plaque which said:

            Jenna took the sign and continued to walk the path.  Each young women took her by the hand, explained the values of Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice & Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue.  Each young woman hugged Jenna before she continued on.

            There are actually more values than young women, and so two of the leaders actually took turn in explaining and hugging.  Jenna looked overwhelmed.

            The personal progress specialist explained a bit more of the program as she presented Jenna with a booklet, and a binder, and the theme, a strength of youth booklet and book for camp and apologized as there was no journal (they had run out), and Jenna's favorite part: a bracelet to build upon - collecting charms and value colors when completing goals and projects. 

bracelet inside the box

            Our bishop than got up and touched on the wizard of oz and what each character in the story wants and how it applies to our own life. 

            It really was an awesome meeting.  More than half of us were bawling as we sang:

This is one song that really tugs at my heart strings and I really do
have a hard time singing it (or just hearing it) without getting emotional

            After the closing prayer awards were passed out

 and we had refreshments. 

            Cute names were given to the food like: melted witches brew and Ding Dong(s) the witch is dead (no witches were actually harmed during the making of this treat)  I wish I were able to remember them all.

            Jenna and a few other young women disappeared after the program.  When Roland and I walked out to the car, we found four girls playing basketball against the two young man who had been there for another meeting.  That had  actually the "highlight" of her day.  Silly girl.


Monday, July 6, 2015

The Choices We Make

     You ever notice that the choices we make not only affect you but those around you as well?  Take my decisions to leave the majority of my family to move to another state for the sake of my health.  And yet I personally have known others who have said, “I’m not going to leave my family.  Even if the doctor says it’s in my best interest, I won’t give up my children, my grand-children . . .” or what have you.  That’s their choice.
     Some live long lives and are successful with their health choices.  Others continue to hack out their lungs while babysitting grandchildren while their children are at work and end up dying anyway.
     Sometimes it becomes a larger burden for the child (or children) to bury the parent than it would have been if the parent had just moved out of state.  Sometimes it’s easier, realizing the sacrifices that were made by said parent.  Often there are questions with either decision.  Some questions go unanswered or are misunderstood.

     My decision to move has affected Jenna’s education, as she will not be able to continue with in the dual immersion program – not at this time.  I don’t want her to lose what she has been taught and continue with her Spanish.  But foreign language is not even offered until she’s in high school. I hope to be living in a different part of the state by then.

     Our decision to leave Utah so abruptly caused stress for both Tony and Rochelle – who were also facing challenges of imperfect health. Our unorganized chaotic house only added to the stress – I’m sure.

     Mom had a good friend mentioned here and here who had secluded herself from everyone she knew – including her own family.  They all knew that she was sick.  They just didn’t know how sick.  She chose not to tell them because she did not want them to worry.  Though I do understand her choices, I think her decisions made it a lot more difficult on her family members – who knew how opposed Pam was to funerals and thus the family chose not to have one for her.  For me, it seemed symbolic to the end of her life: It felt very empty as if there was no closure. 

         I have learned throughout my life that funerals are for the living – not the deceased. I would actually be a lot more gracious with being honored once I’m deceased as it isn’t something I’m too comfortable with while I am living. I’m not big on hoopla. I didn’t even want a wedding reception. But there were a huge number of people that hoped that I would. And so I had one – for them. It did not take place until after Roland and I had been married for over a month.
     Are the choices we make good or bad?  Do we regret our decisions?  I don’t regret moving to Oregon.  I know that I am breathing better.  My oldest son says I definitely look happier. I am for the most part.  I smile a lot more when I go to church.  I laugh at situations that I can’t control.  I don’t worry.

     I took Jenna to the pool today and while I sat outside waiting for her, I cried for the first time since we've been in Oregon.  I was crying about being so far from my family members.  Jeanie’s having a baby shower this week. Jenna wishes we could go.  I did give shower gifts to my two pregnant girls before I left – but it’s not the same.

     I won’t hear my grand-daughter tell me she wants to go jump on the trampoline or see BJ’s smile light up when he sees me.  It makes my whole day.  I miss playing games with Kayla and Bill or the boys.  I miss their asking, “Where’s dad?”  “Where’s Jenna?”

     Two of my boys actually fought over taking Jenna trick-or-treating last year.  Tony was promised that he would get her this year.  There’s a promise broken.  I’m not sending Jenna back to Utah just to go trick-or-treating.  I think she is getting too old for trick-or-treating anyway.  Although it is easier to get away with when going door-to-door with your three-year-old niece or your five-year-old cousin.

     Corey (who actually posted this same subject and similar title to his blog here which I didn't realize until just before I posted) kept himself closeted for years knowing his decision to come out would not only affect him – but each of his family members.  I think he was scared on how we’d react.  He had already had a taste of what he thought was a bad reaction from me – and it was. 

I had behaved poorly – but not because he said he was gay – but because I had figured out that I had stopped caring about him somewhere along the way and it didn’t matter to me whether he was gay or not because I just didn’t care about him anymore.  (see post here) And that’s what is most upsetting – that I had stopped caring. 

   I am so so grateful that we’ve mended the fences that were built between us and that we are supportive of one another and that he is truly happy.  I love him with all my heart.  I love each of my family members.  It does hurt that I am so far away.
But I can breathe.

      Perhaps it’s selfish of me to prioritize my health over being with them.  Perhaps it seems selfish that I would rather communicate electronically rather than have my children or grandchildren remember me as hacking all the time and eventually gasping for air until I die.

     I don’t particularly want to die alone – but like Pam, I don’t want my children to worry about a funeral as the expense of them coming to Oregon or shipping my body back to Utah seems quite unnecessary.  Bury me quietly and remember me as having more years because I could breathe.  Because really, what good (or fun) am I if I’m constantly gasping for air.  I don’t want my death to be a relief to them.  I’m sure they wouldn’t (or don’t) miss the sounds.

     I’m grateful that I didn’t have to move here by myself but that I do have Roland and Jenna with me.  And as a member of the Church I automatically have a support group in the current ward (church) that I attend. I hope my decisions will bless those here as well as those that are still in Utah (and Nevada) 

     Whether I had stayed in Utah or come to Oregon, my choices would have affected my family either way.