Letters From Rexburg: More Discoveries

                Among the photos that Jai and I have gone though were several letters that evidently had come from my mom’s house. I have many memories from my past.  I remember a lot of details. I have mostly positive memories but there are a few that aren’t so pleasant.  For the most part I have succeeded at blocking out the bad memories. I thought I had been pretty good about keeping the pleasant ones but am learning it is only for up until a certain age – or so it seems. 

I attended Ricks College from September 1981 to the end of April 1982. (Keep in mind that this is back in the day before personal computers, emails and social media.  Our communication was written correspondence and telephone calls – NOT cell phones, but phones that used dials and curly cords) 

  It appears I had written to my family at least three times a week.  I have few memories of my college days.  The letters haven’t changed that at all. I’m quite annoyed at how often I repeat myself.  I recognize some of the names I provide but certainly not all of them.  There were more discovery moments than actual memories.  Nothing scan worthy – though I have scanned a few things as I am impressed with my handwriting and print looking nicer then than it does now.  Evidently I had taken my typewriter with me.  Don’t remember that at all. 

I made mention of a certain speaker who spoke at a devotional. That did trigger a memory having the opportunity to attend Devotionals each week. We also had the opportunity of purchasing two devotionals on cassette tape available in the book store. On September 15, 1981 I informed my dad about a speaker named M. Russell Ballard. I found it was interesting that I had mentioned that as M. Russell Ballard was not yet an apostle of the church.  He was set apart just over four years later.  I did mention the very last devotional on one of my posts (here).

 For the most part I was more fascinated by the stationary itself than the contents.  I was also impressed that some of the stickers were still intact while others had fallen off.  After 40+ years I would have thought all the stickers would have lost their adhesive.  Apparently not. 

Among my discoveries I read that I had considered staying at the college and attending summer semester.  I don’t know what happened there.  I needed two credits to finish my freshman year. I had been looking into summer theatre (which was NOT my major; interestingly enough it is Jaime’s.)  Evidently there didn’t seem to be enough choice in classes that I wanted to commit myself.  That is what the letter said anyway.  I’m sure there was more to it – but alas I do not have the details nor do I remember that consideration.

Drunk With Power

             On Monday night Roland and I watched 911.  One of the stories focused on a mother who’d been drinking while driving.  Due to her poor decision to find the bottle (or flask) more of a priority than any other human beings -  including her own child. Because he is a scared-out-of-his-mind passenger not able to communicate with his mom, he calls 911.  By the time the emergency crews arrive on the scene there is a horrific accident involving 10 – 20 cars – all because she had been disoriented behind the wheel.

            Toward the end of the show, Bobby, who is a main character in the show, goes to an AA support group and talks about how so many people think they can handle the situation of drinking and staying sober – not at all rational about what their decisions may cost others.  While he was giving his speech I thought about the mandating on mask wearing and the decision of those who are able to “remain sober” by not wearing it or ever thinking of others. 

The mask wasn’t designed to protect ourselves so much as it was designed to respect others that we may come in contact.  Even now that many have received their shots, there is a new attitude that “I have now received my shots – I no longer need to wear a mask”

WE STILL NEED TO WEAR MASKS!  The pandemic is NOT over!  There I go being a rational buzzkill.  But am I really?  Biff thinks I’m a weenie who is afraid of getting COVID.  I am NOT afraid of getting COVID.  I am appalled how torn up this nation has become. I also think Biff is too focused on having the approval and living the ways of the world than of God.  

 There were other stories that overlapped.  One was about caring for a child in child care and having that child taken away because the biological mother supposedly turned her life around – and perhaps the parent should have rights but at the same time at how many expenses of the child or others who are involved in the child’s life.  Reminded me of when I had worked for the Department of Child and Family Services and the heartbreak of it all.

I like that the show focuses on what is happening in our nation right now and keep the mandated mask as part of the storyline. Like it or not – it is a part of history.

Pandemic Continues Alongside Global Warming

 

            Randy really wants us to come to St. George – like now – which would be fine but the pandemic is far from over.  Almost half of all adults have received a vaccination shot – but there are still a high percentage that refuse.  They are too macho.  They are too proud.  They are determined NOT to let the government control them.  The same people who refuse to get flu shots or wear seat belts or have convinced themselves they are immune to any other law.

So I read this article from Yahoo.  I hope that Oregon continues with its restrictions and those that think we ought to reopen can go spend their summer in Florida and see how well that works out for them.  International Travel is still a rare occurrence.  Other countries don’t wish to let Americans in.  I don’t blame them.  Americans are spoiled and have attitude.  The entire world belongs to them and therefore we should do whatever the heck we want. No restrictions.  No consequences.  Some American attitudes make me ashamed to say that I am American.  Get over yourselves!  Think of others.

Even my oldest who lost his first wife, whose daughter was initially admitted to the hospital with COVID – who continues to visit the hospital as often as her mom – refuses to get his shot.  Great example for your daughter, Biff.  Nice to know where your priorities are.

We’re told that airfares have gone up to outrageous prices and I think are at full capacity now.  Fires have started already and it’s only April.  We use the heater and A/C in the same day.  What’s up with that.  If COVID doesn’t kill us, global warming will.

 Oh, and now they are now mentioning an increase in allergies and a new plus to the mask.  Roland had pointed out what we're breathing in as our cars continue to lose their shine. Pleasant thoughts. 

In the News

                When the schools initially closed, the staff had given the students the impression that they would be back in two weeks.  Our governor then sent out the word that schools would not reopen until April 28.  I would hope not.  I would not be willing to return as an aide.  But just a few hours ago it was announced that the governor stated that all schools will be closed for the remaining of the academic year.  Now there’s a shocker.

  

                 Governor Brown did make the statement to have all beaches and national parks and playgrounds closed.  Anyone caught at said beaches, parks or playgrounds (thus far walking path is still available in city parks – but I expect that will change too) before the nation took a stand on closing the parks – probably a week before. 

                Corey posted several pictures he had taken of the Las Vegas strip.  There were cars in a lot of the pictures, but no people except one where there was a security guard.  Emptiness where it is normally crowded. 

                I would never have imagined living through something like this.  And yet amidst this absolute strange chaos I feel so blessed.  There are still so many things to be grateful for.

I Wish I had been a Better Example

            When I married Roland, I not only gained a new husband but three sons as well.  At the time they were 11, 14, and the 12-year-old had just turned 13.  They are now 29, 31 and 32.  My eldest two have no concept of money.  My youngest consider money a huge priority.  My eldest and youngest boys have had a number of jobs for different reasons.  Biff either can’t hang on to a job or gets bored with it and finds something else never allowing for the opportunity of benefits – like dental insurance.

            The youngest one came home from his mission and decided he was going to go to BYU and major in business.  He decided to take a job at a local credit union.  He was there for six weeks and decided to find a job that would pay more.  He decided he would be a doctor, a podiatrist, a surgeon, a heart doctor . . .  he never landed on one thing long enough to benefit.  He and Roland should have graduated from school at the same time.  Roland now has two degrees.  Randy has none.  But hey, he has been able to get jobs that pay more and he doesn’t have to work so hard at being stuck in school for the duration of his life.

            He moved his family of three into a four or five bedroom house in Eagle Mountain.  He wanted us to stay with him during Christmas so he could show off his new house.  I didn’t care if I saw it or not.  I figure he would not be there the next time we saw him.  He always has to upgrade after less than two years.  He always desires for a better and bigger toy, house, car, money . . . he has been at his house for less than a year and is now on the market because he and his wife will be moving to Buffalo, New York.  He had been sent there to interview for a job.  He is so excited about all the money he will be making.  30,000 dollars more than he is making now.  Big whoop.  He isn’t comprehending that he will most likely be spending more than that with the cost of living.  I don’t envy him.  I pity his frame of mind. Randy had all the integrity of so many politicians.  I am actually surprised he is following through with moving and not just talking about it anymore.

            My eldest two boys have no clue how to budget.  Thankfully, Tony’s wife knows how to get more mileage out of their dollars than does the average person. She married Donald Duck who has been on probation from the company he works for.  He was written up for flipping a rubber band at a co-worker.  Not exactly a mature move on his part.  He’s afraid he’s going to get fired – and right after he was promoted.  He can’t afford Randy’s house.  Biff and Tony together couldn’t afford Randy’s house.  But he needs to move to a three bedroom house preferably – not another apartment.

            The boys often call Roland for advice but haven’t seemed to follow through and so I don’t know why they ask.  Perhaps they just want Roland to agree.  I wish there was a solution for us all. 

What price do we pay for the choices we make?

           Each of us has the opportunity to make choices.  We choose to leave the house, transportation, destination, what we eat and so forth.  Often we are presented with obstacles as a result of our choices.  For example, we may have a variety of ways to get from point A to point B - do we want to take the scenic route or something faster.  If we had stayed in one lane could we have avoided the car crash that happens in the next?  What about those that we encounter.  How do our choices effect them?  And what about those things we can't control like the weather or health?  Often the result of our choices makes no difference.  Other times even the smallest decision may change our entire lives.

          I think "The Mountain Between Us" gives us some great illustrations of what our choices may cost.  

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.

wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=54196569

The movie opens with Alex, a journalist, at an airport in Idaho anxious to get to her fiancé in Colorado as her wedding day is near.  Ben, a neurosurgeon, is anxious to return to Baltimore as there is a ten-year-old boy in need of his service.

          All flights have been cancelled due to the weather.  Alex believes that she can overcome this obstacle by hiring a private charter flight.  She gambles on a pilot she's never met.  And while the weather is not a challenge for him personally, there is another factor that neither had even thought to consider.

          Alex, not knowing anything about Ben in addition to not knowing the pilot, asks Ben if he would like to join her on the charter plane to Colorado.  I would think if Ben is unable to get a flight to Baltimore from Idaho due to the weather, it would be likely that Colorado's weather would be similar - but whatever.  No one thinks about that.

          During the course of the movie, Ben and Alex are faced with more obstacles as they climb the snow covered hills of the Unitah Mountains in search of salvation, I thought about what the choice made had cost them - or changed them - because without the experience that only they shared - they would not have evolved from who they were prior to the movie starting to who they became afterward.

          I think the story itself was fictionalized, but I really enjoyed watching the movie and discovering another demonstration of just how much impact our choices may have not just on our lives but those around us.  I'm grateful that the unwise choice Jenna and I had made recently about crossing a fenced path didn't have such a dramatic result.  Funny thing is if we had started the other direction, I wouldn't have crossed it.

 So often when I go to Millsite, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time. 

Role-playing Helps Prepare

           As I was growing up, I can remember doing a lot of role playing with my family members.  What would you do if you were in this situation?  How do you think you would react?  What would you do differently? . . . I can't speak for my sibs, but I believe they felt prepared as I when we were approached with a given situation.  We didn't have to analyze because we already had the answers.

          For example, when we had been approached by the doctors in the final stages of mom's life (before we knew they were the final stages)we were faced with a decision.  We could have put mom on dialyses and had her leg amputated.  Long before she got dementia, mom had been quite vocal about not ever wanting to be on dialyses.  With her state of mind, she really wouldn't have known whether we honored that wish or having even requested it. She wouldn't have understood a missing leg . . . she would never be able to comprehend why it was missing no matter how often we explained it to her.  The decision we made was unanimous.  A no brainer - for us anyway.

          I did have one brother-in-law question how we could have made the decision to put her on hospice as quickly as we did.  We didn't think of any time involved.  We reacted to what we had been taught.  We worked together as a family.  We were of one mind.  Apparently a lot of families don't have that.  It boggles my mind that we are not the norm.

          My dad had always wanted to prepare for our finances should he be taken away.  He wanted to explore options with insurance and burial plots.  My mom never did.  To her, preparing or talking about death always seemed like a morbid topic.  He had reminded her that if he were to go first, she would have to deal at it alone.  But she wasn't alone.  She had been a den mother and one of her former scouts became an attorney and volunteered his time to straighten out her finances with every insurance company I guess dad had ever talked to.

          Both Patrick and Kayla had gone with my mom to the cemetery to pick out a plot.  When I came home and asked how it had gone, my mom and Kayla both started laughing as they related their experience.  It sounded as if they had been in a sit-com series. We were in pretty good spirits throughout the whole ordeal.  Mom was such a trooper.  I guess we all were.

          After my dad had passed away, mom said that one of us would have to take over the finances in the event that she should die.  We all voted for Patrick to have that obligation.  Only when it came time, the stress that came with it was too much on his health.  I couldn't do it because of my situation with Roland and his ex.  Fortunately for our family, Corey grew up responsible and  has allowed himself to step in.  I am fascinated with his organizational skills and willingness.  Wow.  What a tremendous blessing he has been not only for his sibs, but now his cousins as well. 

          Corey does a lot of role playing too, I would imagine.  It's been his profession, though I don't know how much of it has prepared him for where he is now.  How awesome it is that we all hold respect and high value for one another.  I wish it were the same for Roland's family.

          Roland just wrote to his brother with the suggestion of having mom update her will and give him (his brother) power of attorney.  The sister that is supposed to take over has not had the best of health and should not be in that position.  Also he (Roland) senses a feud coming amongst the sibs should mom pass. I highly doubt that all four sibs would be able to meet with an attorney all at once.

          I just don't relate to squabble and possessions.  When we met with my mom's attorney, none of us had any financial secrets.  I was a wreck and said to the attorney, "I know that this is probably a quite unusual request, but would you mind if we started with a word of prayer?"  I think Patrick said it and it really had calmed me down.

          We were told that the meeting would last at least three hours.  Apparently the lawyer had figured in some squabbling time.  But Kayla and I were there for only an hour and a half.  The attorney said he had dealt with a family like ours only one other time.

          I am so grateful for the role playing that my family has taught me and my sibs that we have been prepared.

The Choices We Make

     You ever notice that the choices we make not only affect you but those around you as well?  Take my decisions to leave the majority of my family to move to another state for the sake of my health.  And yet I personally have known others who have said, “I’m not going to leave my family.  Even if the doctor says it’s in my best interest, I won’t give up my children, my grand-children . . .” or what have you.  That’s their choice.
 

     Some live long lives and are successful with their health choices.  Others continue to hack out their lungs while babysitting grandchildren while their children are at work and end up dying anyway.

 

     Sometimes it becomes a larger burden for the child (or children) to bury the parent than it would have been if the parent had just moved out of state.  Sometimes it’s easier, realizing the sacrifices that were made by said parent.  Often there are questions with either decision.  Some questions go unanswered or are misunderstood.

     My decision to move has affected Jenna’s education, as she will not be able to continue with in the dual immersion program – not at this time.  I don’t want her to lose what she has been taught and continue with her Spanish.  But foreign language is not even offered until she’s in high school. I hope to be living in a different part of the state by then.

     Our decision to leave Utah so abruptly caused stress for both Tony and Rochelle – who were also facing challenges of imperfect health. Our unorganized chaotic house only added to the stress – I’m sure.

     Mom had a good friend mentioned here and here who had secluded herself from everyone she knew – including her own family.  They all knew that she was sick.  They just didn’t know how sick.  She chose not to tell them because she did not want them to worry.  Though I do understand her choices, I think her decisions made it a lot more difficult on her family members – who knew how opposed Pam was to funerals and thus the family chose not to have one for her.  For me, it seemed symbolic to the end of her life: It felt very empty as if there was no closure. 

         I have learned throughout my life that funerals are for the living – not the deceased. I would actually be a lot more gracious with being honored once I’m deceased as it isn’t something I’m too comfortable with while I am living. I’m not big on hoopla. I didn’t even want a wedding reception. But there were a huge number of people that hoped that I would. And so I had one – for them. It did not take place until after Roland and I had been married for over a month.
    

     Are the choices we make good or bad?  Do we regret our decisions?  I don’t regret moving to Oregon.  I know that I am breathing better.  My oldest son says I definitely look happier. I am for the most part.  I smile a lot more when I go to church.  I laugh at situations that I can’t control.  I don’t worry.

     I took Jenna to the pool today and while I sat outside waiting for her, I cried for the first time since we've been in Oregon.  I was crying about being so far from my family members.  Jeanie’s having a baby shower this week. Jenna wishes we could go.  I did give shower gifts to my two pregnant girls before I left – but it’s not the same.

     I won’t hear my grand-daughter tell me she wants to go jump on the trampoline or see BJ’s smile light up when he sees me.  It makes my whole day.  I miss playing games with Kayla and Bill or the boys.  I miss their asking, “Where’s dad?”  “Where’s Jenna?”

     Two of my boys actually fought over taking Jenna trick-or-treating last year.  Tony was promised that he would get her this year.  There’s a promise broken.  I’m not sending Jenna back to Utah just to go trick-or-treating.  I think she is getting too old for trick-or-treating anyway.  Although it is easier to get away with when going door-to-door with your three-year-old niece or your five-year-old cousin.

     Corey (who actually posted this same subject and similar title to his blog here which I didn't realize until just before I posted) kept himself closeted for years knowing his decision to come out would not only affect him – but each of his family members.  I think he was scared on how we’d react.  He had already had a taste of what he thought was a bad reaction from me – and it was. 

I had behaved poorly – but not because he said he was gay – but because I had figured out that I had stopped caring about him somewhere along the way and it didn’t matter to me whether he was gay or not because I just didn’t care about him anymore.  (see post here) And that’s what is most upsetting – that I had stopped caring. 

   I am so so grateful that we’ve mended the fences that were built between us and that we are supportive of one another and that he is truly happy.  I love him with all my heart.  I love each of my family members.  It does hurt that I am so far away.
 

But I can breathe.

      Perhaps it’s selfish of me to prioritize my health over being with them.  Perhaps it seems selfish that I would rather communicate electronically rather than have my children or grandchildren remember me as hacking all the time and eventually gasping for air until I die.

     I don’t particularly want to die alone – but like Pam, I don’t want my children to worry about a funeral as the expense of them coming to Oregon or shipping my body back to Utah seems quite unnecessary.  Bury me quietly and remember me as having more years because I could breathe.  Because really, what good (or fun) am I if I’m constantly gasping for air.  I don’t want my death to be a relief to them.  I’m sure they wouldn’t (or don’t) miss the sounds.

     I’m grateful that I didn’t have to move here by myself but that I do have Roland and Jenna with me.  And as a member of the Church I automatically have a support group in the current ward (church) that I attend. I hope my decisions will bless those here as well as those that are still in Utah (and Nevada) 

     Whether I had stayed in Utah or come to Oregon, my choices would have affected my family either way.

We Really Need to Update Our Will

            When Jenna was a baby, Roland and I had our wills done with an attorney named Kevin Jackson.  We each received copies  -  but I have no clue as to where they might be right now. 

            I do remember taking my copy to my mom’s house so that each will was kept at a different location.  I may have put it in the crawl space off to the back of the house.  It could still be there, but may be discarded if the current owners come across it.  I don’t remember seeing it when we were cleaning out mom’s house.

            Regardless, it needs to be updated.  We certainly didn’t have much in the way of possessions at the time.  My main concern (still is) is that in the event Roland and I should go before Jenna is 18, I would want her to stay with my family – though I think only one address on the wheel remains valid.

            Kayla was the first name.  She was still single at the time and lived at my mom’s address.  The next person on the list was mom.  The third person on the list is one of Roland’s sisters – the one who has raised a number of children due to family situations.  The last on our list is Sunny and Patrick.  Theirs is the valid address.

            At the time all of our boys were still in school.  I had asked Kayla if she would raise Jenna and she said she would be honored.  Roland said he’d like the boys to stay with my family as well. 

            Meanwhile, Kayla has married and has three children of her own.  The boys are of age now where Jenna could live with one of them if he and his wife were willing.  I had taken Tony and Rochelle aside to tell them that they could raise Jenna in our house.  I figured they’d oblige to keeping Jenna in the dual immersion program – that was before we moved.

            Jenna said she doesn’t want to live with Tony and Rochelle.  They are definitely NOT on time people.  There seems to be tension on Tony’s part.  Always has been.  If someone gives him an inch, he’ll always wish he’d been given a mile.  He doesn’t seem grateful about things and is always complaining.  As mentioned in an earlier post, Roland’s nickname for Tony is Donald Duck.  I don’t think I want Donald Duck raising my baby.

            I had told Tony and Rochelle my wishes verbally.  Nothing in writing.  I am grateful for that, as I have changed my mind.  I think it would be better if Jenna were to go with Randy and Carrie.  Randy has always had a great mannerism about him. He will lovingly provide any discipline that will be needed.  He doesn’t blow up.  I think Randy would be a much better choice.

            I hadn’t considered Biff.  He doesn’t seem to do well with finances.  Plus he already has his hands full with Jeanie – who often seems to break out into major mood swings of her own.  I seriously think there is a chemical imbalance on her part.

            Jenna and I would both love it if she could go with Kayla and Bill.  I think Bill would do it in a heartbeat and think nothing of it.  He and Jenna seem to share the same personality – which sometimes grates on Kayla’s nerves.  Having two of them – maybe more (I think Gary might actually have a lot of Bill in him) than she is willing to handle.  But then there are pluses.  Kayla certainly wouldn’t allow Jenna to go unclaimed.  (Not that that would happen)

            I’d rather she stayed with my family than go with Roland’s.  We teach values to Jenna that Roland’s family doesn’t share.  Biff had lived with Roland’s sister for a while, and they would send him to church, but they did not attend with him.  I don’t want that.  Besides Roland’s family seem to be getting up there in years.  My sibs are all younger than me.  Though I realize age is not always a factor – there are concerns.  I am already old enough to be Jenna’s grandmother.  I’m not as active as the parents of many of her friends.

            I don’t really think there is a cause for alarm.  Roland and I will both live long enough to see Jenna graduate and get married.  But there is always room for a back up plan.  I don’t think we have any material possessions worth anybody making the trip to Oregon to make a claim – unless it’s for sentimental reasons.  But I think I have scanned most of my pictures.  But I think my brother, Corey, is the only one who would even place value on anything like that – unless Jenna, herself, wants them.

There’s probably not a whole lot of value in leaving instructions posted to a blog.  I know my family members know who I’m talking about, but how would it ever be proved in court since I’m not even using real names.  Well, I did for the attorney.  His name is real.  Don’t know his location.  I believe he’s moved twice since we first met with him.

I definitely don’t want DCFS to be in charge of the whereabouts of my little girl.  DCFS is one fouled up system in my opinion.  I don’t wish for any family members to be fighting it out in courts.  We already did that with Jenna’s sisters.  It was a losing battle all along.  Not just for us, but for them.

Don’t know why it’s on my mind even.  But it is.  There is so much we need to take care of.  Getting Oregon drivers’ licenses and plates for our car.  Finding a doctor should we ever have the need.  Maybe a dentist.  Jenna LOVES to go to the dentist.  I think that’s weird.  

Say “Hi” to Mom and Dad for me

Shilo is a sweet dog

I refer to him as “Highness”

In my posts

He was old when we got him

Loved to dig in the back yard

And escape.

I thought it odd that

The animal shelter had not

Collected him

Favorite activities:

Go for walks

And sleep

Picky Eater. 

He’s always been a picky eater

Since we’ve had him

As I mentioned in my blog before

I think his owner before us

Tied a bib around his neck

And let him sit at the dinner table

       With her

Jenna and I would take him on long walks

Or else I would put him in the car

And walk him around

After I dropped off Jenna

He could jump onto the couch

And into the car – but age has slowed him down

He stopped digging

At least two summers ago

He needs assistance climbing on anything

                                    Higher than he is

He tires a lot more easily

On our much shorter walks

He’s wheezy and his nose is dry

                                    He hasn’t eaten for three days

There isn’t a hospice for dogs.

I don’t know how miserable he is

I can only guess.

Today Roland will take him

To the animal shelter

To put him down

To send him over to where

Mom and Dad are. 

Maybe Harold will have

A treat for him. 

Harold loved

Giving treats to the resident dog

At the assisted living

I only hope Shilo isn’t as picky

And accepts Harold’s treat.

We will all miss you, Shilo.

I hope you will be happy and active

                                    On the other side