Medication: Often Trading One Problem for Another

               It's been a year since Jeanie passed - not that I dwell on dates when people died.  Her mom does.  She's always posting the birthdays and death dates of those who have passed on.  Some days are better for her than others.  I think some days may be worse for her than they were for Jeanie.  I can't say for certain since most of the correspondence I've had with them has been through facebook.  I didn't even have that with Jeanie those times that she not only unfriended me but blocked me as well.  Apparently, it was the medication disrupting her otherwise rational mind.  It not only shattered her own emotions, but I had allowed myself to become upset as well.  I may never know the entire scheme of things; I did learn so much more about her at her funeral than I had ever known about her before.

          Biff had tried to explain it to Roland who either misunderstood Biff or perhaps Biff hadn't explained it well enough or really hadn't understood it himself.  By the time it got to me,  there were things lost in translation or miscommunications and until the day of her funeral, I did not know, wasn't aware, hadn't understood that Jeanie had been molested as a child. 

          One of her brothers had announced it over the pulpit.  It was shocking and seemed out of place for a speaker to make that the topic of discourse at a funeral - and yet I understood his emotions and the pain of the entire family.  Jeanie had been traumatized.  It left some thick emotional scars that still have not healed.  It was both disturbing and extraordinary at the same time - not the topic itself but for the love and concern that the speaker not only had for his sister but several generations of children and adults who have also been traumatized by one they should have been able to trust.  A person who should have been there to protect her and care for her.  It was sickening and so much of what he said had a profound ring.  I wondered if their other sister had been molested as well.

          Jenna had chosen to assist in the nursery, which I was truly grateful for as the subject was uncomfortable to me - I knew it would be for her as well.  And yet his talk was truly from the heart.  It was still disconcerting to learn what had happened and his plea to talk about it.  

          I knew Jeanie had been seeing a psychiatrist.  I knew it was for some kind of abuse - though I had thought it had been inflicted on by her ex-husband.  He was never even mentioned. I didn't realize it had stemmed all the way back to when she was five.  A time of innocence that she had attempted to live out again.  How difficult it must have been for the family when she would ask why her parents looked so old.  And where were her siblings?  And who was the stranger named Biff?  And where did the baby come from?  Of course, if she thought she was only five, she wasn't going to believe that Biff was her husband or that she had given birth to the baby girl.  Two of her sibs had already passed on before her and the other two were living in other states.

          We had a few family get-togethers when we would see Jeanie. Twice I remember her feeling flushed and excusing herself.  Two other times I remembered when she genuinely seemed happy. That is who she really was.  Happy.  Full of life.  Unfortunately, we didn't get to know that person.   She would cancel appointments with us.  Sometimes Biff would show up by himself.  He wasn't allowed to take Ally her first year.  Jeanie was quite possessive of Ally.  She would get verbally abusive towards Biff and her mom.  That was the person I saw.  The one that was sick.  The one that had become violent through medication.  I think when she realized who she had become, it wasn't worth taking the medication.  And so she chose to suffer as silently as she could and tried hard not to upset the rest of the family.

          I was included in that "rest of the family" and did not understand what demons she'd been dealing with. I was aware that there had been demon's in Biff's life but did not know to what extent.  I admire Biff so much for putting up with it.  He knew that the outbreaks were not her fault.  He stayed with her and blamed himself for not being there to catch her when she fell.  It wasn't his fault.  It wasn't medicine's fault.  We don't know if it was her death that caused the fall or if she died when she landed or on the way down.  The autopsy revealed that there were seven clots in her lung. 

          Some days her mom is accepting and knows that Jeanie is better off in another world where she doesn't have to take medicine to overcome emotional or physical pain.  She is free.  And she is with a brother and their sister.  But there is still a hole.  A void.  A longing.  An emptiness.

          Biff moved on with his life.  He moved in with Claire and they are raising Ally together, although Jeanie's mom would still like to be involved.  She remains in touch with Roland's sister who is a retired nurse and has been in contact and has had a better handle of the situation than either Roland or I.  Jeanie may not have unfriended or blocked Roland's sister.  They stayed in touch. 

          Our youngest son recently texted a family photo or all three boys and their families.  They are with Roland's sister and her husband and two youngest children.  Even after Biff's outbursts with behavior at times and seemingly lack of gratitude,  I was taken aback to hear that it was Jeanie's parents that were providing room and board for Roland's sister and family as my own boys were unable to make room for them.  (Randy lives in the largest space of the three - our old house in WV - which is teeny) I'm happy to hear that they are well liked and that bridges may be mended.  

        For family home evening the other night, we wrote letters to each of the boys.  I finished my thoughts yesterday and mailed the letters along with Jenna's most recent photo from school.  I am so happy to see all of my boys together again.  Jenna's been a little sad that she is not sharing their lives in person.  I guess we all are.  If only we could get all of them to come to Oregon. 

Reminiscing Memories and My Widowed Son

         I don't know how long my brother-in-law, Bill, had known his first wife before they had married.  They had dated in high school - I don't know if it was serious and if she waited for him to return from his mission, or if she just happened to be available when she returned.  It wasn't until her funeral that I had learned she had been born with eleven toes.  When she was still an infant, an operation was performed to remove the extra toe.

          Her mother spoke at her funeral and had mentioned that AnnaLeigh had been in and out of Primary Children's Hospital at least forty times before she turned eighteen. I'm guessing she had health problems when the two were married.  Six months after they were married, she was diagnosed with another medical problem.  I'm thinking Hodgkin's.  I know her health became a trial for both of them - though not many people saw it from Bill's attitude.  He remained positive and upbeat

          The first time my son Biff met Jeanie, she was driving.  He hadn't proposed to her until after she lost her driving privileges due to health.  I thought it admirable of him to want to take care of her.  Before they were married I told him to talk to Bill.  During their marriage, I told him to talk to Bill.  AnnaLeigh struggled with depression.  If Jeanie experienced depression, it was due to medications. 

        Her mood swings would often get out of control and there were times when she had been downright mean - mean to Biff, mean to her mom . . . which evidently was not in her nature either.  Last year her speech was slurred.   Biff's descriptions of her reminded me of describing one who has dementia.  He is with somebody else this Christmas.  Bill was with Kayla on his first Christmas without AnnaLeigh. 

If Dead is the Look they were Going For, They have Succeeded

          Though I have had a small hand and say in making funeral arrangements, I have not had the opportunity of having to find a mortuary nor have considered every financial expect.  Before either of my parents had passed, there needed to be a record of what funeral home to contact should they expire.  My dad lived out his final days at Cottonwood Hospital in Murray, Utah.  Ironically, he had also been born there (or so I was told) but at that time it had been called Cottonwood Maternity Ward and wasn't the full blown hospital where he had died.     

          Mom had used a local mortuary as a contact I’m guessing because it was familiar territory as it had been used by other members of our ward.  Before mom passed, Corey had made arrangements for Premier Funeral – though none of us had heard of it before, it really does seem the most economical way to go. 

          Premier doesn’t offer a chapel or a show room in which members can walk around and look at caskets.  They offer a catalogue – which I suppose doesn’t go over well with some people, but Corey and I were fine with it.  Premier has a lot to offer – for one thing the body is embalmed right away – at least where it is possible. (autopsy would be an exception)

          Jeanie was already gone when the paramedics arrived.  Possibly before she fell- or why she was falling.  Her mother said that seven clots had been found in her lung(s) and not just one.  I don’t know what shade she was when the paramedics arrived or how pale she must have gotten in the morgue.  It feels a bit morbid wondering. 

          I was not impressed with the makeup job - but I have no idea what of Jeanie's facial condition when she arrived to the mortuary.  Perhaps they had done a marvelous job with the "canvas" given - I just didn't see that.  Mommy and Daddy had looked so natural, so peaceful, as though they were sleeping.  Jeanie looked like a corpse – like in a really low budget movie when everything looks fake.  It appeared that she had jaundice underneath the make-up.  It was hard seeing her like that.

          Biff had never been involved with any plans concerning funerals – except when we had asked him to be a pall bearer at my mom’s.  But that was the extent of it.  He had never gone to look for a casket or a burial plot.  I’m sure the funeral home they went through was the same one his in-laws had used when they had buried their other two children.  It was right next to – perhaps even part of the cemetery.  I think Biff just went along with what they wanted.  What did he know?  They had been through it before.  Roland and I have both gone through it, but we weren’t there.  We weren’t involved with the decisions or give advice or hold our son’s hand.

          I don’t know that his in-laws would have felt comfortable using Premier as they had the viewing in one location and the funeral in another.  The mortuary was in a familiar place where family and loved ones had already gathered.  They would have had to make arrangements for another chapel with Premier. But I think they would have saved a tremendous amount of cost.

          My son, Randy, had set up a fund for Biff and his daughter – a plea to help pay for expenses.  The goal was to hit 5,000.  3,000 had been raised in eight days by 62 different people. I cried every time I would see donations being made.  I know there were many who knew Jeanie personally, but still many that did not know her at all.  Some hadn’t even known Biff for that matter, and that touched my heart.  My nephew, Brian, was the first to contribute to the cause.

          I don’t know how many chapels and "comfort" rooms the funeral home offered.  I would guess at least seven.  It felt as if there had been seven different viewings all scheduled for Sunday night.  Perhaps there had only been four or five.  We had to pass them all in order to get the room where Jeanie and family were waiting.  The lines were long.  I’m sure that is why they had put us at the end.

          When mom died, we had her at the Relief Society room in the building where she attended church.  We were there Friday night and the mortuary took her away and brought her back the following morning and then we moved into the chapel. Premier had driven her back and forth.  I'm not knocking the full blown centers but am in favor of using Premier again.  They did an awesome job for us.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of traffic involved with Jeanie.  I never felt overwhelmed with Premier.  The situation was always calm and respectful. 

Drop Kick That Blonde Spider

       Recently I had a dream that I was cleaning around the house when I noticed a plastic bag with a collage of items inside.  I was startled to see a rather large spider crawling toward the top.  Of course I freaked.  This was not any ordinary spider - it was one that would be displayed at a zoo or museum because of its enormous size - 2-3 times larger than the tarantula.  And dirty blonde.  It was creepy.

       I thought by sealing up the plastic bag, I would have better control over the fate of the spider, but it managed to escape - which of course made it more scary.  Though it appeared to be larger than many rodents, it moved quickly and I didn't always know where the spider was.

The spider I dreamed was more blonde (not as much brown) but the size
is about the same.  Too many pictures to wade through.  I still have chills.

       It's not something I could scoop into a glass and set free. I knew in order to kill that thing, I would have throw a dictionary on top and proceed to stomp on the dictionary and still would be too scared to lift the dictionary back up for fear the spider would still be alive. If I left the dictionary in place I would not be able to sleep - wondering how long it would be before the spider found the strength to move the dictionary and wander off.

       It seemed I was experiencing this spider-turmoil all night long.  There was a point I questioned as to whether I had dreamed it or if it was real.  Of course it was a dream - and it probably wasn't even that lengthy of a dream.  I wondered if maybe it wasn't/isn't symbolic of the relationship I am currently experiencing with my eldest daughter-in-law (Biff's wife) who has managed to turn herself into Roland's ex shortly after giving birth to my currently youngest granddaughter. 

       The blonde spider may be symbolic of the turmoil that I had felt at the time I had the dream (back in December) or stirred up anger I have toward bullying and irrational behavior.  I want that blonde spider out of my life.

       As I copied to post, I read this thought from the blogs that I read.  Thank you, Debbie Crews.

Mending the Broken

          Yesterday morning was overly dark.  It was cold and raining.  It mirrored the emotions of my heart

          I had heard a quote from a TV show that got me thinking.  The quote was something to the affect of, "sometimes things get broken and sometimes broken things just can't be fixed"

                    There is a number of tangible items that have had to be discarded as they have either gone beyond repair or just don't seem worth the effort.  How blessed we are that we are God's children and are worth the effort of not being broken - though for many of us some trials have made us question our worth.

          Earlier in December, my eldest daughter-in-law chose to not only defriend me on facebook, but block her account as well.  Less than two weeks later, she sent a friend request along with a mountain of apologies and excuses.  She said that her new meds were to blame and made the promise that she'd never again unfriend me. 

          I did believe in her apology for her flippant behavior.  But even before she and Biff wed, she seemed to have a personality that could turn from hot to cold within the manner of seconds.  I'll admit, I do not know her very well,  but I do see her as having unstable behavior.  At least she is seeing a therapist or psychiatrist of some kind - unlike Roland's ex who refused to go back to anyone who may offer any criticism or not agree with her every word.  At least she is trying - or so I'm told.

          I accepted her friendship request knowing full well that I may be blocked again sometime in the future.  The future has arrived.  Not only has she blocked herself, but managed to block Biff as well.  How dare she. 

          Thus far there hasn't been a response to the texts or voicemails that I left for Biff.  If she managed to take his phone away, I don't know how to communicate with him - unless he lets us know how we can make contact with him.

          Before she removed us from her account,  Biff called to explain about his latest - but unfortunately familiar predicament.  We have two granddaughters who were born in August.  They share a month, and Jeanie can't stand that her daughter has the same birth month as her cousin.  They are two weeks apart  and her claim is that everybody in the family loves Devin more than her Ali.  According to her, nobody in Biff's entire family has showed support (which is so not true - or it's been because of Jeanie's incredible mood swings and nothing to do with Ali herself.  Talk about stepping on egg shells - egg shells with rattle snakes in them!)

          I don't know how many times I've been down this road of emotional turmoil and flippant behavior.  I was so hurt and distraught in December.  But this time, in addition to the hurt and heartache,  there is anger.  I have been down this road with Roland dealing with his deranged ex.  I had another unstable friend who displayed childish behavior with her defriending and blocking and changing her mind again until finally I said, "You know what?  I've had enough!"

          Jeanie's behavior is so identical to Roland's ex and to Hitler and Satan.  We don't know our own granddaughter and probably never will just as Roland and I don't know  Francis or Pamprin.  Their mom has used them as leverage to manipulate and control others.  Jeanie is doing the exact same thing with Ali.  Alienating Biff from the family (or at least trying to) and Ali from Biff.

          Both women are cookie cutter molds out of the Grimm's fairytales where there is no hero - only a large fire breathing dragon who has that time of the month all month long - except for that occasional few minutes of remorse.  But it doesn't last.  Sybil goes away and another personality takes over.

          Through God's mercy today's trials can become tomorrow's testimony - should I allow for that.  Right now this part of me feels broken - a part that cannot/will not be fixed.  Not in this lifetime anyway.  I hope I'm wrong.  I hope I live to see Roland's girls and my granddaughter Ali and I hope that their moms' issues may be resolved.  But as of now, I need to put all these negative emotions behind me and allow my focus to be elsewhere.    I would like this heavy weight lifted while I'm still on earth and of sound mind.  My time isn't God's time.  In my mind, it's already been too long.

          If we still lived in Salt Lake, I predict our situation would be worse than just facebook.  I know I would see Devin at least twice a week - more often than Ester and Ali put together.  Not because I'd choose it that way, but because I am actually a priority for Carrie and Randy and have been with all three of my boys.  But I'm not a priority for my other two daughters-in-law - or at least that is how I feel.  Jeanie has had interfering health and Rochelle seems to be afraid of forming bonds or just prefers spending time with her family and childhood ward members. 

           The healing between Jeanie and I is going to be long and slow if at all.