Always on a Sunday

                When I was younger I would often spin around several times until I felt dizzy and stop – either of my own will or because I had crashed into something.  The dizziness was not completely bothersome as a youth as it is as an adult – an aged one at that.

           There are times I have felt dizzy due to ear or sinus infections though I don’t ever remember feeling so dizzy that I wanted to throw up.  Well, there was that time when I was pregnant with Jaime and Richard and I were at a movie theatre watching “Limitless” – the opening photography is spinning as I recall or maybe somewhere else in the movie.  I remember looking away as it was making me dizzy.

          Getting into a car when I am feeling light headed is not always the best idea. The dizziness had seemingly made me naucious and when we had stopped for gas on the way home I removed myself from the car, threw up and told Richard I would just walk to my mom’s house as we were not far.  I started to walk in the direction of her house.  Richard followed behind me in the car.  I got back in and he drove slow.

          On December 23, 2007 I fell into my neighbor’s nativities because I got dizzy.  It was a Sunday.  On January 10^th this year I discovered an abscessed tooth – how long have I had that?  And yesterday I felt light headed in the morning.  And experienced a scary dizziness that seemed to make the room spin.  I threw up.  I looked up my symptoms.  Probably my abscessed tooth because it is connected to the heart. 

          I keep on telling Richard that abscessed teeth can lead to death.  I am not scared to die.  But I don’t wish to live Jaime and Richard right now.  I think it will be devastating for Jaime especially as Richard will probably leave the state and move in with our youngest son. 

          He has wanted to get rid of Bonnie for some time.  If I were to die Jaime would not lose only me but Bonnie as well.  I love my daughter so much.  I don’t want her to be sad.

          In three weeks I’ll have three teeth extracted from my mouth.  Her birthday is the following day.

I Should Have Recognized the Signs

            For a couple of weeks my right eye has been tearing up.  It's quite annoying as it will create a fogged up view through my glasses.  I have also felt somewhat dizzy and lightheaded at times.

            The air has been so dry which I'm sure has been a contributing factor to my health today.  I had thought it was all allergy related when both eyes went balistic last Tuesday but I may have a cold underneath - or worse - the dreaded sinus infection may have weaseled its way into my life again because the air in Oregon isn't providing the moisture which brought me out here.  We may need to move closer to the ocean.

            The fire levels are back to low and moderate - at least here, but there is still a hazy sky to the west of I5 between Grants Pass and Glendale.  Where is my rain?

            Before we had moved to Oregon, we had visited in April.  We had gone to Newport on Easter Sunday.  It had rained that day.  Hard.  It was cold and wet.  I was under the impression that is what Oregon would be.  I left behind my white coat with the bears and trees thinking it would not hold up in the moisture.  I also left behind some cute red boots for the same reason. 

            Turns out I could have brought them both and used them and they would have been fine.  Too late now.  Perhaps somebody else was able to use them.  I don't believe Rochelle did though.   

            I felt fine last week.  I felt fine on Saturday.  Yesterday my throat started hurting.  I went to church but did not sing.  My throat got worse.  I tried to doctor the hurt away.  I may have made things worse for myself.

            I won't be working this week.  I feel fine as long as I'm sitting down or reclining.  But I cannot stand.  And I don't wish to share my germs with others in the event that I am contagious.  I will have to look for a new doctor however as I am quite disappointed with the medical center in Myrtle Creek.  Perhaps I could go to the one in Tri City if they're still accepting patients.  It would be even nicer if it just went away on its own.  However, I am getting to the age where it would be wise to have a routine doctor.  I don't think I've ever had a regular doctor except for my pediatrician and then my OB/GYN when I was pregnant with Jenna.

          Drinking lots of liquid.  Mostly grape juice thus far.  I need to get better. I think a Z-pack would make me feel better. 

Removing Pains of February

I have never had a branch or knife gouge through my eye, but I would imagine the pain is very similar to what I have felt each year in February since moving to this cracker-box house in West Valley.  Apparently I had posted a few posts to my blog the first year I had it.  And I know I was driving.  This year I am in such awe that I was able to do it. 

Each year the pain has been worse than the last, and each year I have believed that death would be more preferable to the pain.  Because hey, once my spirit and body separate, I wouldn’t be able to experience the physical pain.

That first year I felt like a drug guinea pig.  Although the first drug issued was in December, but I had not posted the traumatic effects until February when the sinus pressure built up again.  I don’t know why I am so unfortunate to have this experience EVERY YEAR.  Enough is enough already (and I have had more than enough – thank you very much)

Worse than the pain is my distorted mind.  I feel so disconnected to my brain.  Last Sunday I did not attend Church for I knew that I would not get much (if anything) out of the meetings.

On Monday I went to a health clinic.  I told them which drug works best for me, and I got a prescription.  The packaging had changed and I’m guessing the formula did too.  It was after taking the meds that I felt worse.  I knew that the excruciating pain was due to the meds working to clear out the gunk.  I didn’t have dairy products or take any other kind of medication so that I wouldn’t jeopardize it. 

My eyelid and skin had surrounded my eye so that I was seeing the world through a slit.  I’d have the TV on and Roland would always turn it off – believing that my eyes were closed.  I didn’t realize how bad it looked until I went to put some eye drops in my eye.  It appeared that I had been stabbed by something or that a blood vessel had broken.  It was ugly – perhaps grotesque.

The next night the pain resembled that of a toothpick, and finally only a speck of dust which couldn't be removed.  Gradually the dark red faded into my natural white. 

I wrote a letter to Corey.  It took me three hours just to sort my thoughts.  If I read anything or write anything, it has got to be in a 24 font or higher.  It took me three hours to type up the letter and then the computer refused to save it and kicked me out of the system.

I cried.  I took the thumb to a different computer to see if anything was saved.  While I was waiting for the windows to open, I received a call from Harold’s daughter-in-law.  She called to inform me that Harold is now on hospice. I was crying.  But not about Harold.  Harold’s passing is actually a good thing.  I was still upset about the lost letter.  But it turns out it saved more than I thought.

I had the lesson to give yesterday.  Let me rephrase that.  I was supposed to give the lesson.  I had a few thoughts.  Not 30 minutes worth however.  I felt like a stone trying to keep myself propped up.  I was in a trans.  I would have been better off if I had stayed in bed.  Perhaps my class would have, too.

It has been a week since I went to the doctor. I feel better today than yesterday and certainly better than last week.  But not great still.  I still have a pain behind my eye.  But at least it’s not gouging.  It’s irritating.  But at least I can think more clearly than I could just yesterday or when I typed up Corey’s letter.  I miss him a lot.

I'm sorry that Roland says he is not feeling well, and I hope he isn't getting this same sinus infection that I have/had.  There are few people I would wish this pain upon: Hitler, Bin Laden, those who caused such horrible pain would still not experience the pain they caused.  But it would be a good start I suppose.

I’m grateful to those who are skilled in medicine and are able to create potions to put inside of little pills so that we might feel better.  How horrible it would be if we had to endure such pain without medicine.  

I Would Like to See Someone Murder Germs - Permanently

Crime doesn’t seem to take a rest.  Rarely takes a holiday.  Germs at least seem to take breaks.  Maybe not.  There is always somebody who’s been invaded by germs. So often they can make us miserable. 

I haven’t blogged for a while for that very reason.  Icky, ugly germs – that hadn’t been detected in my own personal body until I went to the doctors to have my ears flushed.

It doesn’t set well with me that I feel worse leaving the doctor.  It doesn’t set well with me that I would feel even more miserable after starting the antibiotic treatment.  I’ve had pressure in my ear, in my eye, in my head, and in my throat.  I’ve had a cough and am now experiencing a runny nose – which is a good thing.  A runny nose indicates it’s finally coming out.

Unfortunately I forgot to turn on the humidifier on Saturday night and woke up with a dry throat on Sunday morning.  I took the last antibiotic.  And now I’m probably experiencing strep.  I hope not.  I return to the doctor’s on Thursday.  I can’t take anything stronger.  Not like last year.  Don’t want to be nauseated in addition.

So I was actually feeling better this afternoon.  Roland had given me a blessing.  And I felt well from about 11:30 to 3:00 – when I had to meet with my sibs and an attorney.  Kayla and I left the office first and bam -  I’m sick again.  Miserable sick.

At least I’m hydrated.  Jenna checked out of school early.  Dehydrated and throwing up.  I thought she was sharing my cold – our cold (Roland had it, too) as she was coughing this morning and crying – she does not deal well with being sick.

I’ve been catering to her needs – puppy sitting a few hours and rolling my eyes at Trume who wants to play with Jenna and doesn’t believe she is sick.  Reminding her that I had been sick and I’m sorry she had to get sick herself to understand the pain I experienced when she would barge into my room and ask, “Mom, do you want to play a game?”

I didn’t want to play a game.  But I didn’t want to neglect her either.  I wanted her to understand my position – but not necessarily my pain.  Damn those germs!

I Can’t Hear You!

          Last year I had a sinus infection that put pressure on my eyes.  This year it’s my right ear.  It’s been clogging and feels like it does when I’ve been on a plane.  I thought it was the air quality that was turning me deaf.

          Jenna happened to be sitting next to me when she looked in my ear and told me it was pretty bad.  Apparently it’s a wax build up.  It didn’t hurt – but has been greatly annoying as my hearing’s been distorted, my thinking has been distorted and my balance has been out of wack.

          So I set up an appointment to get my ears flushed (I had thought it was both ears) believing that the doctor’s office may be equipped with a greater tool than a syringe.  This particular clinic is not. How pathetic.  The water that was used wasn’t even that warm. 

          I remember when I was in junior high, I had the same problem.  An ear, nose and throat specialist swiped his tool over the blobby wax several times- removing it in pieces.  Finally he was able to grab what remained. It hurt when he pulled it out.  He said it had been as big as an eraser – I would imagine one that is purchased to top a pencil – not the one that comes with the pencil itself.  What had been pulled from my ear was larger than the canal itself.

All the sudden all noises around me were extremely loud.  Even toilet paper was loud.  And I feel like the wad of wax in my ear today must be the same size – or larger.  The syringe didn’t work (what a surprise) nor the sticky substance that was put in my ear beforehand.

It may have loosened enough for the doctor to look to the canal and see it had been inflamed.  Evidently the wax had been damming a large pool of blood. So now I have pain in addition to the vermin that is plugging my ear. (I imagine it feels like a pencil eraser has been crammed into my ear) I am now emotionally out of wack as well as annoyed.  (But then I’ve been quite emotional all year)

The doctor prescribed antibiotics which I started taking yesterday.  There is also an eardrop prescription that I can’t start using for four days (the canal needs time to heal) meanwhile I feel like I am in a fog.  I feel what my mom must feel with her dementia.  

I don’t wish to socialize or clean or drive or even Blog.  At least I can sit still with the latter two – but still need to have some degree of being focused. Thank heaven for spell check and proof reading (perhaps I should have posted how it originally read so that you can see for yourself how fantastically wrong my mind seems to be working)

Maybe I’m Allergic to the Alka-Seltzer

          When I was little, I used to spin around until I got dizzy and then spin some more.  Especially when I had pleats on.  My skirt or dress would twirl with me.  I thought that was major cool.

          I don’t know how old I was when I lost my balance or perhaps I had just spun into the end table.  Either way, I was bleeding from a gash just above my right eye.  I had to have stitches.  As a result I have a small indentation just above my right eye.  Sort of like a dimple.  Small though.  Not actually noticed by many.

          I have had some people notice that my right eye does look smaller than my left.  Not a noticeable difference to most people – but those who study my face harder have wondered about it.

          In December I had a sinus infection which pained my left eye.  In January it was my right eye – but only for a day. With January’s eye infection, there were been few people who didn’t noticed  the difference in eye size as my right eye appeared to have swollen almost all the way shut.  It was weird. I had considered making an appointment with the doctor again on the following day (for it was a Sunday that my eyelids revealed only a slit of my eye) but by Monday morning it was gone.

          By coincidence I had also taken Alka-Seltzer plus cold medicine all three times.  I used to think it was the absolutely best cold medicine for me personally.  But now I wonder if they changed the formula.  Or perhaps it’s counter-reacting to something else I had that day (like chocolate? maybe) or if it’s the very dry air in our house.  Or if it’s the water itself.

          The pain behind the eye is not the worst part.  The worst part is being so disoriented that I’m not quite aware of what is going on around me.  So disoriented that I forget to drink water and become dehydrated.  In December I was just such a neglectful mother towards Jenna – who was home from school for the holidays.

          Today it is my left eye.  The closure of the lid makes it appear almost even with my right eye.  They haven’t looked near the same size as one another in over forty years.

          I am grateful for modern medicine.  For medical science and research.  And for those who take the time to learn it and pass it on.

Thoughts on wellness (unwellness rather)

          I used to think that a sore throat was the absolute worse.  I would rather have a headache, a backache, nausea, or sinus infection rather than a sore throat.  Or so I thought. A sore throat never made me disoriented.

Have you ever seen the movie Innerspace?  As the story unfolds, we learn that Dennis Quade’s character has agreed to being shrunk and injected into the body of a rabbit.  But due to circumstances beyond his control, he is inserted into Martin Short’s body by mistake.

          In order for him to see what Martin Short is seeing, DQ lands his vessel onto the optical nerve and then clamps on the seeing device tool.  On his initial land, MS experiences irritation.  Something is bugging him just behind the eye.  But then comes the clamp.  MS screams out in pain. 

          I have felt that pain.  It’s really quite excruciating.  Oh, no.  I don’t claim to have a little man inside of my body putting pressure on my eyes – I’m 99% certain that it’s mucus that’s causing the pain.  It hurts so much I feel like crying – only I won’t because that only makes it hurt even more.

          I had gone to the doctor last month as “over-the-counter” wasn’t taking care of it.  The pain was in my left eye and by the time I was able to get into the doctor, the infection had spread into my ear as well.

          I was given an antibiotic with the worse side effects ever.  If I wasn’t on the toilet I was over the toilet questioning whether the drugs were actually in my body long enough to do anything other than make me even sicker.

After a while it appeared that I had been beaten as there were major dark circles under my eye and much redness under my left eye that looked like it may form into a bruise. I usually felt much worse than I looked.

          Dishes and laundry had built up during my stay-in-bed.  Water pressure is the pits.  I can do dishes or laundry.  And I felt so weak and disoriented – I could only do five dishes at a time – if that.  So often I would stand and feel dizzy and unbalanced that very little gets accomplished.

My diet consisted of Jell-O and Yogurt – not consciously – it just seemed to be all I could hold down – if I indeed could hold it down.  Sometimes just the idea of eating something I ordinarily love makes me gag. When God passed out sensitive stomachs and high gag reflexes, Jenna and I were first in line

           

I have worn glasses for half of my life now.  During the two weeks I was sick I did not use them – my vision was distorted either way.  But I have come to the conclusion that I have to wear them ALL the time as I believe it is contributing to my soreness.  Maybe.

I have gone over this post several times – still disoriented.  Still not satisfied with how it sounds.  It’s been over a month.  I have actually seen two doctors since then. 

I was given a complete physical with one.  I was also given a clean bill of health.  The other was an obstetrician – who for the first time in my life was able to explain my unkeen sense of vision.  I have a small case of Keratoconus – which I shouldn’t concern myself with too much.  My brother, Corey, had to have a cornea transplant with his Keratoconus and so did actor Mandy Patinkin.  But at this stage it doesn’t appear that surgery will be needed.  So that’s nice.

          I also have “weird shaped” eyes that won’t allow in the amount of light needed for one to see properly.  Because of their weird shape I can never be qualified for laser surgery – and so even maybe someday if/when I should able to afford it, it can never take place.  I will always have strained vision.

          Fortunately my eyes seem to work the opposite way.  I think I am near sighted in one and far sighted in the other.  So they still seem to work well together.  Except for I’ve had eye pain in my right eye this week.  Grrrr . . .

          But I am grateful to hear that I won’t need a transplant as of now.  And I am grateful for my what vision I do have.