Before I had a chance to sit down
after I arrived in the chapel yesterday, a sweet sister came up to me and put
her arm around me and asked if there was/is something wrong. She is one of the very few people who saw me
the week prior. She had seen me on the
stand along with the primary. Many
others hadn't noticed me. Those who sit
directly in front of or to the left side of the pulpit may not have noticed the
primary as a whole. We are out of view
even when we're standing unless it is at the pulpit.
I have been rather melancholy this
entire month. I didn't know why but have
since figured it out. While I truly love
this sister, we really don't have that intimate of a connection. I've seen her outside of the church on occasion, but for the most part I know that our contact is only two or three
times a month at best. She said she was
concerned that the "spark" had gone out of me and didn't wish to see
it lost.
Jenna has also asked me off and on
what was wrong. I find it interesting that
the only two who have said anything are one who is closest to me and one who has been watching from a distance. From that
far back, how can you even see the facial expression of one on the stage seated
behind her class in order to prompt them?
I told her I hadn't felt well that
week - which was the truth. I had left
right after the primary program. I was a
bit frustrated because for once in my life I not only liked all of the songs
but actually knew the words to most of the songs and was unable to participate
due to a dry throat. And then as
mentioned in this post cried during the last three.
I have been doing a lot of crying -
over stupid things really. I've never
been a speed demon with processing information, but have seemed to have gotten
slower at it. Like when the RS brought
me the poinsettia - I should just have told them that I'm allergic. They would understand, but I kept it
hidden. That is a small example, but my
reflexes have seemed to slow down even more.
I forget words and thoughts whenever I am interrupted and get irate with
whoever interrupted. There's situations
that will remind me of my mom. I've
thought a lot about her and so I've been crying about that.
When fictional characters have made
bad choices I've cried and have scolded myself because it isn't even real and
crying about fairytale characters is stupid.
I guess it's because sometimes I relate them to real life people who are
facing their own battles and struggles or are victims of senseless crimes and
cannot seem to help whatever situation they are in.
I feel like I'm aging and not only is
my mind disconnected in thoughts, my body parts are screaming at me as
well. I think my right leg is
shrinking. I have already started
stuffing my right shoe with insoles, but now it feels like I need more
lift. I can't afford to buy two pairs of
shoes in two different sizes so I can stuff one and not have the other slip off
my foot.
I still have a poor attitude toward
primary overall. Next year we'll have
three kids in the valiant class. No
sunbeam class. They want to keep all
four instructors. It may not be so bad as
the program will be a new one for everybody.
I haven't been graceful about accepting many changes.
As I continued to add puzzle pieces to
my list of things that may have contributed to my gloomy state of mind, I realize that all
of them (or at least most of them) are connected by a lack of sleep. I am so damn tired and find it hard to
sleep. I can't figure out why. I have seen enough accounting videos to knock
me in a coma for a lifetime. And yet, I
don't think I have been able to sleep through the night all month long.
Roland likes the room to be 90 degrees
(okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration.
But he does like it hotter than comfortably warm) I have to have the
temperature below 70 if I want to be comfortable. I can't sleep in the bed because the ability
to raise it to a propped up position is gone.
The foot/leg part of the recliner is shorter than I am and so my feet
hang over. I just can't seem to sleep -
even with the accounting videos. Like I
want to be focusing on that. It's
Christmas. I want to be uplifted. Accounting does NOT uplift.
Oh, and on top of my instructor
reading the PowerPoint word for word here his comments are the same for everything
turned in. "You met the assignment/discussion
requirement." No other feedback whatsoever. At least it was graded before the middle of
the following week so that was nice. I
just tried taking a nap which did not work out to my expectations. I will try again.
