I NEED TO SLEEP!

          Before I had a chance to sit down after I arrived in the chapel yesterday, a sweet sister came up to me and put her arm around me and asked if there was/is something wrong.  She is one of the very few people who saw me the week prior.  She had seen me on the stand along with the primary.  Many others hadn't noticed me.  Those who sit directly in front of or to the left side of the pulpit may not have noticed the primary as a whole.  We are out of view even when we're standing unless it is at the pulpit.

          I have been rather melancholy this entire month.  I didn't know why but have since figured it out.  While I truly love this sister, we really don't have that intimate of a connection.  I've seen her outside of the church on occasion, but for the most part I know that our contact is only two or three times a month at best.  She said she was concerned that the "spark" had gone out of me and didn't wish to see it lost. 

          Jenna has also asked me off and on what was wrong.  I find it interesting that the only two who have said anything are one who is closest to me and one who has been watching from a distance.  From that far back, how can you even see the facial expression of one on the stage seated behind her class in order to prompt them?

          I told her I hadn't felt well that week - which was the truth.  I had left right after the primary program.  I was a bit frustrated because for once in my life I not only liked all of the songs but actually knew the words to most of the songs and was unable to participate due to a dry throat.  And then as mentioned in this post cried during the last three.  

          I have been doing a lot of crying - over stupid things really.  I've never been a speed demon with processing information, but have seemed to have gotten slower at it.  Like when the RS brought me the poinsettia - I should just have told them that I'm allergic.  They would understand, but I kept it hidden.  That is a small example, but my reflexes have seemed to slow down even more.  I forget words and thoughts whenever I am interrupted and get irate with whoever interrupted.  There's situations that will remind me of my mom.  I've thought a lot about her and so I've been crying about that.

         

          When fictional characters have made bad choices I've cried and have scolded myself because it isn't even real and crying about fairytale characters is stupid.  I guess it's because sometimes I relate them to real life people who are facing their own battles and struggles or are victims of senseless crimes and cannot seem to help whatever situation they are in. 

          I feel like I'm aging and not only is my mind disconnected in thoughts, my body parts are screaming at me as well.  I think my right leg is shrinking.  I have already started stuffing my right shoe with insoles, but now it feels like I need more lift.  I can't afford to buy two pairs of shoes in two different sizes so I can stuff one and not have the other slip off my foot.

          I still have a poor attitude toward primary overall.  Next year we'll have three kids in the valiant class.  No sunbeam class.  They want to keep all four instructors.  It may not be so bad as the program will be a new one for everybody.  I haven't been graceful about accepting many changes.

          As I continued to add puzzle pieces to my list of things that may have contributed  to my gloomy state of mind, I realize that all of them (or at least most of them) are connected by a lack of sleep.  I am so damn tired and find it hard to sleep.  I can't figure out why.  I have seen enough accounting videos to knock me in a coma for a lifetime.  And yet, I don't think I have been able to sleep through the night all month long.

          Roland likes the room to be 90 degrees (okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration.  But he does like it hotter than comfortably warm) I have to have the temperature below 70 if I want to be comfortable.  I can't sleep in the bed because the ability to raise it to a propped up position is gone.  The foot/leg part of the recliner is shorter than I am and so my feet hang over.  I just can't seem to sleep - even with the accounting videos.  Like I want to be focusing on that.  It's Christmas.  I want to be uplifted.  Accounting does NOT uplift.

          Oh, and on top of my instructor reading the PowerPoint word for word here  his comments are the same for everything turned in.  "You met the assignment/discussion requirement." No other feedback whatsoever.  At least it was graded before the middle of the following week so that was nice.  I just tried taking a nap which did not work out to my expectations.  I will try again.