Sunday February 23

      Twice a year the presidency of either Elder’s Quorum or Relief Society (at least in our ward) are asked to pick out three talks from the latest general conference that will most benefit the members.  I’ve been in the presidency for six and a half years under three different presidents and have always picked Tracy Browning (well, since she's been in) as one of the talks I would like to see taught in Relief Society.

Since she was ordained to the primary in April 2022, Sister Browning’s talk has made the list . . . except for this last Conference. I was the only one who had picked it. And yet I had several opportunities to slide it in.  Each time thinking, “This is a great talk but maybe one that won’t resonate with the sisters; another talk may provide them with what they need.”

     We went to Kevin’s ward on Sunday February 23. I think the chapel and Relief Society Rooms squished together were the same size of our entire building back in Myrtle Creek.  We arrived late due to Richard’s starting lunch on Oregon time (PST) and rushing ourselves to eat on Arizona time (MST).  We had missed the sacrament portion of sacrament meeting but did get there in time for the first talk. As I looked over the huge congregation I thought it possible that not everybody I saw had a calling.

The closing song was “Gethsemane” which I attempt to sing  each time it is selected – but never make it through.  Never mind that my voice was already cracking due to dryness,  I can’t sing out loud as the tears are always spilling from my eyes.  That song just touches me as it is a favorite of our primary which has always been small in numbers – but sounds like there are at least fifty whenever they sing “Gethsemane.”

   I was really impressed with how the presidency starts out the conducting.  Rather than just turn the time over to the instructor will ask a question which relates to the lesson and breaks up into smaller groups to discuss possible answers which I saw as an open door for greater class participation during the lesson which there was lots.  I was so full of the Spirit and felt so much gratitude and as I have the mind of Dory (Nemo’s friend) I had to write everything down.  And each time I wrote there was some kind of gap or lull within the lesson that gave me time to do so without missing out on whatever came next.

        I was meant to be there on Sunday.  I was meant to have that lesson.  I realized I had not been in the right frame of mind all week.  I usually engage myself with “Come Follow Me” videos and scripture study each day.  I realized I had not done any of that since we left Oregon – and boy what a difference it created within my attitude.  I would have been more pleasant if I had just stuck to my routine.  I realized that on Sunday.  And I realized that I need to take that leap of faith for what may be part of God’s plan and not necessarily my own. 

     Why should I view the next opportunity for myself, my family – a challenge.  I took the leap of faith when Richard proposed.  Acting upon God’s will rather than my own.  If I can take a leap of faith on a partner surely I can take that same leap to our next destination – and I won’t be alone.  God will provide a way for me to deal with what I foresee as problematic – until it isn’t problematic anymore.

    Richard didn’t seem to share in the same frame of understanding that I did.  It sounded to me like he felt defeat.  But even though we had the same lesson, I know that participation within the priesthood varies from what is discussed in Relief Society. He sounded as though he were ready to give up on the idea of interviewing or moving forward.  But that was obviously short lived.  Like Kevin and Jaime, Richard will bounce back.  All three of them choose to be happy and that is a good positive to be around.

     So now we’re just waiting and preparing ourselves for our next chapter.  Pluto still exists.  (That is how Tracy Browning starts out the talk) It may no longer be recognized as a planet – but it is still there.  Just like the bridge in Indiana Jones (a comment made by one of the sisters) – one that blends into the scenery but has always been there.  I know my mind is going faster than I am writing and the flow isn't smooth as I would like.  I wish I could more accurately share the Spirit that was felt.

At What Sacrifice? Or Whose?

         I recently learned that Brigham Young had told Ephraim Hanks to shave his face.  I have probably heard the story (here) several times but did not resonate like it does at present.  “Wear a mask”. How hard is that?  Few people enjoy being told what to do.  We all have our free agency.  Not everybody will wear a mask – or if they do, they will wear pretend masks or fail to cover both mouth and nose.

https://www.amazon.com/Mustache-Handmade-
Washable-Copyright-Protected/dp/B08DK461YP

        Ephraim Hanks had free agency.  He didn’t have to shave.  He chose to obey the council.  It’s not that he needed to prove anything to others or even God.  He had to prove to himself that he was willing to obey.  This act played a huge role with his ability to lead others. 

        This article reinforces that wearing a mask is showing Christ

like love.  We wear masks in order to protect others – even those that have received the vaccination.  Asking some people to get a vaccination shot is even worse than asking them to wear a mask.  Really?  What is the big deal? 

    According to several sources (here) we could have avoided prolonging the pandemic if we had all cared about one another in the first place rather than how uncomfortable it might make for ourselves.  I don’t mean to wish bad upon these self absorbed people but sometimes I think how would they like seeing a family member in need of surgery being operated upon by a team of unmasked surgeons?  Or have their dentists breathe into their mouths while working on them?  But too bad for all those unmasked surgeons and dentists. 

        My brother purchased a book called “Would You Rather” and each day he posts a question.  A recent one was “Would you rather to be able to control the elements or go back in time?”

        I have always questioned time travel.  It’s fun to watch in movies, but what would it change really?  Different outcomes?  Better?  Worse?  There are all kinds of scenarios.  The thing is going back in time to warn others about the pandemic will not change what is going on right now.  We were already warned.  We’ve been divided.  We’re at a civil or cold war with one another.  Even at church.  There are those who still refuse to follow the prophet. 

        How hard is it to wear a mask or shave?  How hard is it to look at the staff that is stretched before us?  

I don’t understand all the pride.  For what?  Things will only get worse before they get better.  Why is it so difficult for so many to see what is right before them?  Especially when it parallels with scriptures. 

Our current situation may not be exactly like Zion’s camp or the movement of the pioneers or picking up our tents to move even further into the wilderness and crossing the ocean into the unknown.  We put our faith in God that He really does have our best interest at hand.  I would rather follow God into the unknown as I know the He does know what’s ahead – even if I don’t. 

I have seen far too many westerns, sci-fis and other movies to recognize that human leadership is often faulty. Though not always, but often, bad things happen to those that follow – maybe not all of them, but a good number of them.  For example the movie Poseidon Adventure. 

https://www.cinemaessentials.com/2017/11/the-
poseidon-adventure-1972-review-gene-hackman.html

How many souls were lost?  Not all humans know what they’re doing.

        It’s mind boggling, too, that there are those who are still defending Trump.  I don’t trust a man who desecrates religion.  So many of his followers are portrayed as idiots.  I think there’s a difference between being ignorant and being stupid. Evidently I am surprised at the large amount of stupid people that exist.

        Still judging though I’m trying really hard not to.  Currently I am just shaking my head in disbelief.  I also pray a lot.

Be Prepared . . . Perhaps

When the “Come Follow Me” program was introduced at the same time as two hour meetings, we were told to use the third hour to study at home.  We were also told that we wanted to develop the habit for one day when we were unable to attend church meetings for whatever reason.  None of us had predicted this soon however.

We had cancelled our last RS activity due to the weather and decided to cancel our upcoming as well.  We had made the decision before the church announced NO MORE MEETINGS until further notice (here). Only seminary will be held unless the schools shut.  But as of now only seminary is the only meeting that will be held at the ward house.  No others.  Not even sacrament meeting. 

Why do people panic instead of remaining calm?  Why do so many always expect the worse.  Instead of viewing the police car at the high school as “Oh, good.  They are keeping my child safe” a parent may panic and demand, “What is going on?” or a fire truck at the elementary . . . of course Roland is looking at this with a business mind and political gain.  I seriously doubt the church is in it for either of those.  And it always takes much longer for the world to catch up to what God has warned us about all along.

Some are eye rollers and don’t understand the severity – or don’t want to.  Closing our eyes to what’s happening won’t make it go away.  When a sporting event is cancelled, then I know that it’s serious.  They haven’t cancelled the schools as of yet, but have limited to school only – no parent teacher conferences, no assemblies, no athletic or performing art events.  Today the air raids have been going off all day. 

We have “bug out” bags located next to our door.  Over the years we have added, borrowed and changed items but have never had to use for intended purpose.  Even now.  We won’t be “bugging out”, we will be staying in.  Hopefully with the benefits of electrical communication and running water.  We won’t stay marooned.  Jenna and I will go to the park or elsewhere if school is cancelled.  Hang out in the fresh air.  It will still be fresh air? 

I came to Oregon, not just to add years to my life, but decades.  I intend to claim them. 

When the Train Stops

Yesterday I was watching a movie on Hallmark.  The movie title is one I have seen before – but with a different description.  I enjoyed the 2019 version of “Christmas Town” starring Candace Cameron Bure (here). 

           The movie starts out with the focus on a man and his little girl.  He is struggling with some health issues.  The tree has been put up and decorated and he somehow loses his balance causing the angel to fall and breaks off a wing.  He promises that he will send it off to have it fixed.  If he had just used a form of Elmer’s or Gorilla glue, we might not have the story that takes place roughly twenty years later.

Lauren has recently accepted a teaching position in Springfield, Mass. and is anxious to leave behind her life in Boston. We learn that she has a boyfriend and a promised relationship, but her wants and his wants are not the same.  She is frustrated that she hasn’t been able to contact him to let him know that she is leaving and is a bit put-off to find him home ready to pick up where they left off.  She lets him know that maybe they really aren’t meant to be.

          She takes the train toward Springfield. As the train nears a small “tourist trap type”  town full of the Christmas spirit, they make an unscheduled shop as either the weather has failed them or the train is need of repair or something . . . they stop and all the passengers are required to get off and find some means of lodging.

The scenario reminded me of how many of us have chosen a destination and create a path for ourselves on how to fulfill our goals.  There are many of us who may ride a metaphorical train that makes an unscheduled stop that may throw our entire plan off course.  We don’t know why, but something prevents us from arriving to the destination that we thought we wanted in order to fulfill something greater – although we may not see it that way in the beginning.

         I have grandnephews and a grandniece that I’ve never met.  Lucas is the oldest and was born a few months before my second and third granddaughter.  Each of them will be turning five this year.  Holy Cow!  Lucas has a younger brother.  The two of them are inseparable.   Each of them has had a hard time sleeping without the other in the same room.

            Lucas has cancer.  He’s been in and out of the hospital in order to get the treatments that he needs.  His mom and dad have become writers of a blog (here)  though even if writing had been a part of their plans, they most likely would not have chosen gaining strength in a collided “two worlds, one family” quoting Phil Collins December 31 because that is how it felt.  One parent with Lucas in the hospital while the other stayed at the house with the two-year old – who at first was allowed to visit his brother but banned after flu season – though not completely.  Just at the hospital. 

            Lucas came home for Christmas before going into the hospital again for what hopefully will be his final treatment.  I think the cancer probably made a lot of people stronger – though I don’t associate with them as they are in Minnesota and we are in Oregon and I don’t even see my brother who is the grandfather of these two boys and currently resides in Utah.

            The train not only stopped for their family but several others as well.  And each has had his or her free agency on how to react to what wasn’t a part of their plan.  From what I’ve read, they seem to be enduring greatly and yes, at times mom and dad have been emotional boobs.  But who can blame them for that.  All the while they have tried to remain strong for Lucas.  It turned out that Lucas was the strongest one of all.

            That’s only one example of a stopped train.  Not all lives experiences end being wrapped up as neatly as the Hallmark movies and certainly not in such a small amount of time.  Trials are not easy.  Some callings are not easy – especially when the person called really isn’t comfortable about having the calling.  Again, we have our free agency.  We don’t have to accept the callings.  But it is an opportunity to grow if we will accept the challenge.

            I am reminded of a sister in the ward I currently attend.  She has had the calling of a Relief Society instructor.  She taught lessons once a month and always made it known that she was not comfortable in her position.  Never vocalize your thoughts in front of a congregation.  She is now the adult Sunday School teacher and now gets the opportunity of teaching not just once, but twice a month.

            I am reminded of a poem written by Carolyn Pearson (here) in which she talks about auditioning for a play and not getting the desired role, but the coveted role actually goes to one that she doesn’t consider worthy to play the part.  A transition is made for the girl who lands the part and it makes the author realize that we all have potential if given the opportunity.

            I hope that when I find myself on a path that I don’t particular think fits in my plans, I will focus on Him who knows better than I and I may express more gratitude for where I am. 

What Do Pineapples and Prayer Have in Common?

(Pineapple Members, 2016)

            Some people are blessed with learning from others' examples.  Unfortunately it seems there are more who just don't get it and have to figure out things for themselves.  Still there are some who go through trials and still appear to be clueless.  Allow me to share an example.

            When I was a youth, I remember seeing ads in the classified section inviting youth to earn money picking pineapples in Hawaii.  The ad itself was marketed in such a clever way that youth believed not only would they be earning money, but would have an opportunity to tour Hawaii as well.  I remember a bunch of Patrick's friends decided to fill out applications and asked him to join them as well.  My brother, Patrick, has always been logical and decided he would wait a year.  If things worked out among his friends, surely they'd want to return.  If things did not work, well, Patrick had spared himself.

            What the classified ads failed to mention was that picking pineapples is hard physical labor. I honestly don't know anyone who returned for a second year. 

(Picking Pineapples in Florida, 2011)

My sibs and I have been fortunate enough to weigh our options, find others with similar experiences and learn from those experiences - especially if we can spare ourselves from pain - be it emotional or physical.

            I realize that is not the best example of what I am trying to convey.  I'm certain there were many that may not have appreciated what they had gotten themselves into at the time, but may have had a deeper appreciation for the experience they received - though maybe not at the time.

Mareeba Gold, 2016

            Whether we choose to pick pineapples or not doesn't seem relevant to our salvation - not in the same way as turning to drugs or alcohol or something immoral.  Not like joining the service or giving a child up for adoption.  I think the latter examples are more inclined to stay with you and perhaps even haunt you more than the pineapple picking decision would.

            As I had mentioned in a previous post, I am currently reading The Children of Promise series by Dean Hughes.  I am just finishing the third book in the series "Far From Home".  So far I like how he starts each book so if you haven't read the books from the beginning, you can still follow who the characters are.

            World War II is nearly at its end, but the events will have forever changed the lives of those who lived during that time.  Some had been excited to sign up to join the cause - to fight for their country - whatever country that happened to be.  It had been glorified and certainly sounded more exciting than it was.  Even newsreels only touched the surface of how it really was.

            The character named Bobbie writes a letter to her sister-in-law. It is very short.  There is one sentence that really stood out for me - one I think that each of us can relate to:

            "I used to think if I prayed hard enough, nothing bad would ever happen, but now I understand life is all about surviving hard times" - Dean Hughes (1998, p 388)

            I think often are expectations are quite different from the reality that we face. We're not alone.  We can and should turn to the Lord to receive guidance and personal revelation.   Personal revelation is between God and the individual.  There are some who make decisions and appear to have given no thought to the decision whatsoever.  Take me, I agreed to marry Roland after only three days.   I know there were many in my family who thought I was making a mistake accepting a proposal of marriage and now wonder if any of them had felt anything other than apprehension. It had been my personal revelation to accept his proposal.  I was guided by faith not intimate desires.  There was apprehension on my part as well. 

             I know that my brother Corey had a tough go at his attraction to same sex.  As I mentioned in my last post, we all experience being in Gethsemane.  Corey's longest time in Gethsemane was while he was an active member of the church.  His life was a struggle.  He prayed constantly.  He received a personal revelation to embrace his gayness.  Not possible?  Because it goes against what we've been taught.  Of course we're going to question it.  He did.  For many many years.

            Personal revelation isn't restricted to any one religion. After excommunication, he has continued to receive personal revelation and is definitely happier than he ever had been.  Hard as it may be for some people to believe, some people have to leave the church in order to get out of Gethsemane.  Some people have a different mission and because the personal revelation is between the individual and God, who are we to question?  And yet we do because there's always concern - especially when it seems to go against what we've been taught all of our lives. But sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to experience situations that we may not understand at the time, but there is purpose whether we accept on faith or not.

            On the other hand, there are some choices made that don't include the Lord.  Often there is sorrow and devastation, but we can still learn from our mistakes or better yet, from the mistakes of others.  That's why we have biographies and scriptures.  That is why each of us may be called to give a talk and share our experiences.  That is why we fellowship on another - so we may learn from the lives of others.

            Yesterday I read this thought that my youngest son posted to facebook two years ago:

            "The greatest moments of stress people have faced in their lives have led to the greatest accomplishments or failures that brought experience and change. Learning...g from mistakes or looking back on trials conquered is why life is so exciting. Do not live your life scared or afraid. Living with optimism is what makes life great living any other way is not really living. from mistakes or looking back on trials conquered is why life is so exciting.  Do not live your life scared or afraid." 

            Turn the Lord when you need comfort and include Him with big decisions and listen to Him and act upon faith.  Continue to pray and be guided in righteousness.

Credits:
Hughes, D. (1998). Far From Home. In D. Hughes, Children of the Promise (p. 492). Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Picking Pineapples in Florida. (2011). Retrieved from clippix etc: http://etc.usf.edu/clippix/picture/picking-pineapples-in-florida.html

Pineapple Members. (2016, December 17). Retrieved from shadowverse: https://forums.shadowverse.com/index.php?/profile/1341-pineapple/

Ripe for the picking, another Mareeba Gold pineapple grown and marketed by Pinata Farms. (2016, December 20). Retrieved from abc news: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-12-21/mareeba-gold-pineapple-sweet-success-built-on-flavour/8138354

Somewhere Between Eden and Gethsemane

        A garden, by definition, is either a cultivated plot of ground or a gathering place such as a park which is generally adorned with plants and trees.  I guess I have never considered the definition until quite recently.  We had our Stake Conference this weekend, and one of the speakers mentioned two specific gardens found in the scriptures and discussed the symbolic differences between them.

          The Garden of Eden, as mentioned in Geneses,          is outlined as a paradise.  We see paintings of fruit and vegetation, peace and waterfalls, a beautiful place where everything is tranquil.  I guess it represents a kind of perfection.

          The Garden of Gethsemane, as portrayed by each of the gospels, does not have the same appeal.  Paintings often depict a drab setting with perhaps a few barren-looking trees, a hard rock or boulder, uncultivated dirt - it appears to be the opposite of the Garden of Eden.  There is no tranquility.  It represents hardships.  It represents trials.  There is sadness in Gethsemane and it takes faith to endure just being there.

          My youngest son seems to live in Eden for the most part.  He allows discouraging thoughts to roll off his back.   He tries to coax others to come into Eden by waving to them and showing them what the garden has to offer. Sometimes I have questioned whether he has been to  Gethsemane.  I know he's seen it. I don't know he's willing to leave his comfort zone to physically pull others out of Gethsemane.  I could be wrong.

          My middle son fluctuates between the two gardens.  He seems happy and content with one, but then something will set him off and he will mope around in the other.  And then there's my eldest who unfortunately has spent too many years in the Garden of Gethsemane and continues to delve deeper into the garden instead of trying to get out.

          Often his way of thinking (or lack thereof) remind me of John Steinbeck's character "Lennie Small" from Of Mice and Men.  Lennie is sweet for the most part, is seen as uneducated and slow-minded.  He doesn't mean to be harmful to anyone, but sometimes he gets frustrated and defensive when he is unable to communicate his thoughts to others.  I don't think that Biff is quite that far gone, but he tends to forget things he once believed. 

        Often our conversations are (and have been) like beating our heads against a brick wall.  I do believe that he would become bored with Eden in a matter of time, but I don't enjoy watching him struggling in Gethsemane, and I don't know how to help him.  Nor do I know how to comfort his mother-in-law who has visited Gethsemane more times than I have.

          I understand the need for trials.  I understand the need  for peace.  I'd like to see all of my children find their common ground between the two gardens.  I'd like that for everyone.

From What I Recall . . .

            I think my favorite talk for this past conference was this one given by Elder Ronald A. Rasband.   

He talked about a subject that I have touched on my blog before.  I was reminded of a post I created just over a year and a half ago.  I had briefly discussed Wendy Ulrich's book "Habits of Happiness".  The particular subject was "Don't try to get  Help from your Problems" - in other words, ask God to help you make your weaknesses become strengths - rely upon Him as the path you thought you may have chosen isn't necessarily the right one for you.

  

            It is interesting that so many of us can listen to or read the same exact talk and walk away from it with a different interpretation than another might - just as with the parables the Savior would deliver to those who would listen and those who were in tune (or are in tune) with the spirit will take from it what is needed in our life at that moment.

            I know there have been many unwilling to accept that the course of the path they travel is perhaps the best plan for them - or perhaps they are supposed to meet or influence others that they might not if circumstances were different.  Sometimes we feel that a situation might be better if we hadn't been at "the wrong place at the wrong time" but how do we know it was wrong.  Maybe it was a part of Heavenly Father's plan all along.  Maybe we had to overcome challenges to learn humility or some other lesson.  Maybe we need to set an example for somebody else.  

            In this post I compared Merida (from "Brave") and her desires to what was expected, what was desired, and how the course hadn't even been close to what had been expected - but had helped her to grow nonetheless. 

  

            Although Elder John D. Pingree's talk (here) seemed more aimed toward missionary work, it also reminded me of the examples that I used just trying to make it through our everyday lives and how to incorporate these four steps into helping others through service and talents and allowing ourselves to grow from our trials and use that to help others also.

           

    

Think Positive

        One of the gifts that I opened on Christmas was the Chicken Soup for the Soul "Positive Thinking"  stories full of reminders not to give up and to do whatever it takes.

        As I read I think of examples from my own life:

        Karyn was agoraphobic.  Her son had gone to a mission in Brazil and had developed feelings for a certain young lady.  After he had gone back to visit, he announced that he and this girl would be getting married and living in Brazil for a while.  Knowing that he needed some support from the family, he wanted his parents there, of course. Karyn and her husband had enough money for only one plane ticket. And because of her fears of dealing with crowds, it was decided that her husband would go.

        His job seemed to complicate the situation as far as the date was concerned.  It turned out that if he wanted to keep his job, he would not be able to fly to Brazil but said that his wife might be able to go.

        The reservations were changed so that they would be in her name, and she prayed.  She prayed long and hard.  It was a mighty challenge as she had to deal with the public at Salt Lake airport.  Imagine how terrified she was to fly into Brazil and face a more crowded airport and a more people than she could imagine.  Not to mention that the majority of people there would be speaking in a foreign tongue that she, herself, would not understand.

        She, of course, tells her story much better than I do.  I remember listening to her experience, fascinated with her determination.  I would have never guessed that she was agoraphobic - especially to the point which she expressed.  Now that's positive thinking.  I hate crowds but cannot fully relate to what she had to overcome.  What strength.  What admiration on my part.

        I wish I had all the details in order to accurately share Shauna's story.  There was a huge number of widows and shut-ins that I would go visit at least weekly.  I would go to uplift them - or at least that was my intention.  But I always saved Shauna for last or visit when I was the one who needed to be uplifted.    

        She kept records and journals that she didn't want anyone to look at until after she was gone.  She was such a great inspiration.  Her story needs to be told.  I had always thought that someone should interview her for an article in the Ensign Magazine or tell her story in any one of several  themed "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books.

        I had been told that Shauna had outlived her disease by 17 years.  I don't remember the name of the disease, but it seems to me that the tissues would swell to the point of choking out all of her other organs.  We were roughly the same age, and yet she was hooked up to oxygen while I was breathing on my own.  She remained active as long as her body would allow. 

        She had such a positive attitude and would always get dressed, because "only sick people wear pajamas all day"

        I was also told that she hadn't gone back to get her nursing degree until after she had been diagnosed.  She wanted to help people and make them feel better, and served others for as long as she was able.

        Laughter truly was the best medicine.  It was what kept her going - in addition to refusing to allow anyone or anything to take her down.

I also let the words to this song fill my mind each day.  I asked Jenna to color a sign that says: Daily Proverbs.  I change the thought every other day and try hard to apply the quotes to my life.  I really am trying to think positive.  

If you can’t question your religion, Why Are You In It?

         I don’t know if I had met Kelly prior to the being called to serve on the activities committee.  The first activity I remember being involved with was a “food storage/budgeting made-fun activity” Kelly played Betty Barker and I became the emcee who drew the names of contestants and invited them to “come on down”.

         Even then she was struggling with the Church and her family life – desiring to connect the two but feeling torn with her beliefs.  Her husband showed no sign of ever wanting to be involved with the Church or even anybody who belonged to it.  Perhaps Kelly wasn’t even active when they met but gradually came around with a desire for having God and direction in her life – perhaps not necessarily the “Mormon Church”

         That was five years ago.  And she continues to battle with herself and her maintaining a comfortable relationship and self worth which she is not finding in the Church.  I understand.  Perhaps not completely.  But I do understand why she would leave – although she hasn’t withdrawn completely.

         Her husband still gives her no support as far as showing any interest in church or church members.  I didn’t even know what he looked like until the other night when I glanced at him through the window.  He had heard we were coming and made his “get-away” before we were even out of the car.

         Kelly’s last calling had been a counselor in the primary.  Not where she wanted to be, but accepted the calling believing it would keep her on the path to and at that the Church is where she needed to be – until she was asked to create the program for the 2014 “Families are Forever” theme.  That became the straw that broke the camel’s back.  It wasn’t in her heart to create a program that she herself felt discriminated against.

         Actually, I had wondered how the majority felt as many of the primary children are from broken homes, inactive or part member families, many with barriers that seem to prevent the traditional “families are forever” theme. 

         Elenore sat on the stand near the pulpit, to help the children with the lines they might have forgotten. I wondered if the program had been difficult for her as she and her husband had divorced long before I had even met her. She’d gone back to her maiden name rather than identifying herself with her married name.  She has custody of their two children, but he has visitation rights.

         I hadn’t even paid attention to Kelly’s absence as I watched various children get up and recite lines that just didn’t seem to fit in their current living environment.  How many of them believed in the words that they said?  How many struggled through that program?  I did.

         Kelly’s youngest son and Jenna have often played together.  Kelly had told me about sending her son to a water park all summer.  I had been dragging Jenna to Kearns with me last summer.  Perhaps “drag” is not the correct word as she really did enjoy being with her cousins.  But I know she would have loved spending summer at a water park if given the opportunity. 

         I had asked Kelly if Spencer would be returning to the water park this summer and thought I would look into a pass for Jenna.  I thought we had talked just last month, but then she disappeared.

         I was substitute teaching the last three weeks of December.  I think there were five or six names on the role in Jenna’s class, but it was usually just Elenore’s son and Jenna.  Spencer wasn’t there during the three weeks I had taught.  I sent Kelly a message to inquire if she and her family had been out of town for the holidays.  Turns out she is actually attending another church – one that doesn’t push the “Families are Forever” theme.  One that doesn’t make her feel discriminated against.

         I had the same struggles when I was single for so long – not as long as several sisters in the current ward I belong to.  I was married at 39.  There are several sisters in my ward who are much older that have not had opportunity to marry – or perhaps they have and it just didn’t feel right with choice of partner.  I don’t know.  I know that there are several who feel discriminated against when lessons are given on eternal marriage or husband/wives relationships.  It’s hurtful to hear when that very thing doesn’t seem to exist in the earthly future.

         I recently read that divorce is 50/50 but that a marriage needs to be 100/100.  And there are some couples that each give 100% and then there are other couples in which one does all the giving while the other does all the taking.  I can only control what I give, but I cannot control what another might contribute.  Roland contributes 100% - perhaps more.  But not everybody has that.  Not everybody has the support from family members.  Not everybody gives 100%.

         Hannah moved into the ward about a year after we did.  For the longest time I believed that she was a single parent as I never saw her with a spouse.  She was diligent about coming to meetings and activities though it was challenging at times.  It wasn’t known to all that there were struggles, for Hannah wore a smile on her face and pressed on.  One day she announced that there were struggles and coming to church wasn’t easy. Her husband didn’t wish to attend church with her.

         When Asher (her son) got closer to turning eight, he begged his dad to please come back to Church so that he could baptize him.  Thus after eight or nine years of attending Church on her own, Hannah’s husband finally came around.  He is the one who baptized Asher.  Endurance.

         So where is Kelly’s reward when she has seemingly had to endure even longer?  Why are there some whose trials seem to outlast their faith while others seem to be rewarded in just a matter of minutes?  How many of us feel that we have been or are being dealt with unfairly?  For how long must we endure?

         One of my biggest hang-ups in this “pushing family” church is the discrimination that seemingly takes place at the temple.  The sealing ceremony in which only the worthy temple recommends holders can participate.  All loved ones who are not temple recommend holders are allowed to wait in the lobby but cannot witness the special event because they don’t have recommends.  They have been labeled “unworthy” How do you explain that? 

         I was married civilly over three years before I was sealed.  The civil marriage was a lot more personable.  I enjoyed having guests at my wedding that otherwise couldn’t come to see Roland and I exchange vows.  I don’t like to feel excluded because I don’t have a recommend (or didn’t; not when Patrick married.  Not when my cousin married her first husband) and I don’t wish for others to feel that way.

         What does a “Forever Family” mean in my case?  That the boys will go with Roland and their mom?  That Jenna will go with Roland and me?  And what’s to become of Roland’s oldest two girls?  They were born under the covenant?  But do they sense that now?  Do they even know what that means?

         The boys are adults with spouses (soon families) of their own.   How does that work?  Are they always going to reside with us in the hereafter or will they go with their wives’ families?  I don’t think our concept of “Families are forever” will be the same as what we may build up in our minds.  We are required to have faith that it will all work out.  God’s kind and men’s kind are very often not the same.

            Denise shared her testimony after her forty plus years of struggles – though not with the Church.  She had been baptized when she was 19.  The ward bishop had called her into his office to call her as a primary teacher.  But there was a condition that came with accepting the call.  She would have to stop dating her boyfriend.  It wasn’t because even because he wasn’t a member, but apparently the bishop objected to his race.  I don’t know if she saw that as discrimination coming from the Church or just that particular leader.  It wasn’t right that he had told her that.  She left the Church and did not return until over forty years later.

            The elder missionaries showed up on her doorstep shortly after she lost her dad.  She was in a state of depression.  She had answered the door in her pajamas and commented that one elder in particular was dead set about helping her.  She said she needed her dishes done but didn’t have any soap.  The elders dismissed themselves but said they would return.

            When the elders returned, they brought back some dish soap along with a missionary couple.  While the elders did dishes, Denise sat in the other room with the elderly couple and asked about her father.  It was a very good visit and an indication for her to return to the Church in which she had been baptized a member over four decades earlier.

            We all have our trials.  We all have our disappointments.  Endurance is not an easy thing.  For many, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  For many there is no life.  They have given up home.  Some hang on by a thread searching for a glimmer of hope.  May each of us find the strength needed to endure than we may find peace?  That is my hope.