Virtual Hugs Just Don’t Cut It

         It was the third week of Church for the ward I’m in.  My sister Kayla said her ward had returned last month – or possibly in July.  She said that the members will attend every other week in order to allow social distancing.  I think that’s great that there are that many in attendance as the last time I had gone to her ward the attendance seemed even less than what this ward has been – a lot of empty pews and much social distancing – even before it was a thing.

         Wearing a mask can be bothersome, but it’s not a tremendous sacrifice on my part nor am I too proud to wear one.  I appreciate surgeons and dentists wearing masks, all the frontline workers required to wear a mask all day.  Surely if they can do it for 4 – 10 hour shifts, a few minutes to a few hours shouldn’t be a big deal for me.  The mask is not the problem.  It’s not being able to connect in the way that we did pre-COVID.  It’s a learning curve, I suppose.  Finding things that we may have been unaware of or had taken for granted.  I want to be to be fed but also assist in feeding  - which I do not.  It feels lonely like I am observing through plated glass and cannot break my way through.  But it isn’t meant for me to break through and I’m just having a hard time accepting it.

         We did have a testimony meeting today which was nice.  I enjoy hearing from those in the congregation – especially as it has been almost seven months since our last testimony meeting.  Most talked about having opportunities and finding peace within the turmoil or stopping to appreciate what strengths were learned from the trials that we’ve had.

         One sister came up to me after the meeting.  The sparkle in my eye was obviously not there and she was concerned.  I just don’t care for the distance that’s been created.  I had smiled a couple of times during the meeting.  Apparently it hadn’t reached or remained in my eyes.  I did pray that I would be spiritually fed and to a degree I was but still left feeling hungry as I had two weeks prior.  As of now I think Jenna and I will do just every other week.

         I’m supposed to meet with the missionaries which I guess is every other Wednesday prior to or right after the Book of Mormon class. Jenna had been attending with the secretary for the Young Women’s.  But YW is now the same day as Book of Mormon.  It used to be the same day as Relief Society but we no longer have activities and will meet once a month for lessons.  It will in mornings so our older sisters can participate.  Many cannot see to drive in the darkness. I can’t see to drive in the dark. 

        I look forward to General Conference next week and hope my heart is more open than it has been.  I have been so wrapped up in emotions toward the direction the country has gone.  I struggle with thoughts I had when I had learned about this revelation in primary now turned into a reality that I’m really not happy to be a part of. 

    When Jesus spoke in parables those who had the spirit with them were able to find the message that spoke to them.  The Pharisees, so set in their ways, did not recognize truth.  I am overwhelmed by how many Pharisees I encounter today.  I am shocked and I am saddened and have come to learn that I really don't know these people.  I pray that the members may be blessed as they prepare to vote in the elections that they will be open to whatever direction that God may lead us and may we always rely on him.

So Many Emotions

        I seem to be on an emotional kick since my psychology class started last week.  I've dealt with a lot of emotions the last couple of months - so have many members of my family and Jeanie's family as well.

        Jeanie is the late wife of my eldest son.  She passed in June and Biff stayed with his in-laws until November 1 or just the end of October.  Biff has experienced a lot of loneliness, some anger, not always positive emotion during his lifetime. He's most happy at the gym.  Working out gives him motivation.

        Jeanie was protective of him much of the time, but not always.  Often there would be meds or demons that would interfere with her thinking.  Sometimes she was nasty and would kick Biff out of the house and would not allow him to see Ali.  Many of us envisioned a repeat of Roland's choices.

        Biff has felt a bit smothered by his in-laws - he thinks they interfere, but I think it's a psychological need on their part.  They have already lost three children in the last eight years; the other two live out of state.  Their single daughter-in-law is living with a guy that she's not married to - which Biff had said was wrong.  Perhaps his in-laws were holding on too tightly to Biff.  He decided to move in with a girl he just starting dating.

        What!?!?  Are you out of your mind?!?  Everybody seems to share in the reaction.  Did you not just say it was wrong for your sister-in-law to be in that situation?  Do you remember what happened with dad and his battle with his ex-wife?  Don't you remember what happened to you?  ?????  All these emotions.  Brothers.  Sister.  Sisters-in-law.  Parents.  In-laws.  I felt so helpless reading through his mother-in-law's posts as she tried to come to terms with what had taken place.

        Some kind of dispute.  I don't know the details but I know Biff can be defensive.  I'd been shaking my head over the entire situation.

        On Monday or Tuesday I had started my assignment for psychology.  We are supposed to find at least five steps to create a strategy for better emotional health.  I had written one sentence - only one.  Kayla emailed me with a comment about Biff.  She said she noticed that he was dating and looked happy and thought it great that he had someone to spend the holidays with.

        I watched a video on emotions.  I was seeing Biff's emotions and not my own.  I am supposed to be the focus of my assignment, not him.  But I had words.  Written words and thoughts.  Enough for an assignment.  Guess I'll use it for a post.  Maybe not.  I saw the picture and had a change of heart.  His new girlfriend describes him with the same exact words that Jeanie did.  Exactly.  We had the following conversation:

Me:     "You look awesomely happy.  Good for you!"

Biff:      "I am [pause] other then the drama it causes with  [the in-laws] but definitely worth it"

Me:     "I'm sorry there's drama with the in-laws.  They're just worried about your decisions as they were/are the welfare of [widowed daughter-in-law]. Sometimes revelations happen that just can't be explained. Take Corey and Joh for instance"

Biff:      "That's true!  Did I tell you it was a revelation?  Because it really was!"

 Me:     "You didn't [say anything to me].  It was something that Kayla said, actually - that and a combination of emotion from my psychology class.

            He mentioned a personal documentation (aka his personal scriptures) that gave him some insight to assist his way of thinking.  I related as I had gone through the very same thing just over sixteen years ago.  I know my mom really had a problem with my sudden engagement to Roland - hey, so did I!  But it was revealed to me.  It was my personal revelation, not hers.  And nobody else is getting David's either.

            It's hard to think that we would actually be inspired to do something contrary to what we've been taught all along.  Why would it be okay to be deceitful (Gen. 20:11 - 12) or kill (1 Nephi 4:10) or to lay down with one unwed (Ruth 3) or why would it be okay to embrace homosexuality? 

        We don't know another's heart or his/her revelations.  We can pray that we may have peace based upon another's decision.  We may not get the same revelation, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. I'm more at peace with it than I was last month - or even just a few days ago.  I have my sister to thank for helping me turn my emotions from turmoil to joy. 

What Do Pineapples and Prayer Have in Common?

(Pineapple Members, 2016)

            Some people are blessed with learning from others' examples.  Unfortunately it seems there are more who just don't get it and have to figure out things for themselves.  Still there are some who go through trials and still appear to be clueless.  Allow me to share an example.

            When I was a youth, I remember seeing ads in the classified section inviting youth to earn money picking pineapples in Hawaii.  The ad itself was marketed in such a clever way that youth believed not only would they be earning money, but would have an opportunity to tour Hawaii as well.  I remember a bunch of Patrick's friends decided to fill out applications and asked him to join them as well.  My brother, Patrick, has always been logical and decided he would wait a year.  If things worked out among his friends, surely they'd want to return.  If things did not work, well, Patrick had spared himself.

            What the classified ads failed to mention was that picking pineapples is hard physical labor. I honestly don't know anyone who returned for a second year. 

(Picking Pineapples in Florida, 2011)

My sibs and I have been fortunate enough to weigh our options, find others with similar experiences and learn from those experiences - especially if we can spare ourselves from pain - be it emotional or physical.

            I realize that is not the best example of what I am trying to convey.  I'm certain there were many that may not have appreciated what they had gotten themselves into at the time, but may have had a deeper appreciation for the experience they received - though maybe not at the time.

Mareeba Gold, 2016

            Whether we choose to pick pineapples or not doesn't seem relevant to our salvation - not in the same way as turning to drugs or alcohol or something immoral.  Not like joining the service or giving a child up for adoption.  I think the latter examples are more inclined to stay with you and perhaps even haunt you more than the pineapple picking decision would.

            As I had mentioned in a previous post, I am currently reading The Children of Promise series by Dean Hughes.  I am just finishing the third book in the series "Far From Home".  So far I like how he starts each book so if you haven't read the books from the beginning, you can still follow who the characters are.

            World War II is nearly at its end, but the events will have forever changed the lives of those who lived during that time.  Some had been excited to sign up to join the cause - to fight for their country - whatever country that happened to be.  It had been glorified and certainly sounded more exciting than it was.  Even newsreels only touched the surface of how it really was.

            The character named Bobbie writes a letter to her sister-in-law. It is very short.  There is one sentence that really stood out for me - one I think that each of us can relate to:

            "I used to think if I prayed hard enough, nothing bad would ever happen, but now I understand life is all about surviving hard times" - Dean Hughes (1998, p 388)

            I think often are expectations are quite different from the reality that we face. We're not alone.  We can and should turn to the Lord to receive guidance and personal revelation.   Personal revelation is between God and the individual.  There are some who make decisions and appear to have given no thought to the decision whatsoever.  Take me, I agreed to marry Roland after only three days.   I know there were many in my family who thought I was making a mistake accepting a proposal of marriage and now wonder if any of them had felt anything other than apprehension. It had been my personal revelation to accept his proposal.  I was guided by faith not intimate desires.  There was apprehension on my part as well. 

             I know that my brother Corey had a tough go at his attraction to same sex.  As I mentioned in my last post, we all experience being in Gethsemane.  Corey's longest time in Gethsemane was while he was an active member of the church.  His life was a struggle.  He prayed constantly.  He received a personal revelation to embrace his gayness.  Not possible?  Because it goes against what we've been taught.  Of course we're going to question it.  He did.  For many many years.

            Personal revelation isn't restricted to any one religion. After excommunication, he has continued to receive personal revelation and is definitely happier than he ever had been.  Hard as it may be for some people to believe, some people have to leave the church in order to get out of Gethsemane.  Some people have a different mission and because the personal revelation is between the individual and God, who are we to question?  And yet we do because there's always concern - especially when it seems to go against what we've been taught all of our lives. But sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to experience situations that we may not understand at the time, but there is purpose whether we accept on faith or not.

            On the other hand, there are some choices made that don't include the Lord.  Often there is sorrow and devastation, but we can still learn from our mistakes or better yet, from the mistakes of others.  That's why we have biographies and scriptures.  That is why each of us may be called to give a talk and share our experiences.  That is why we fellowship on another - so we may learn from the lives of others.

            Yesterday I read this thought that my youngest son posted to facebook two years ago:

            "The greatest moments of stress people have faced in their lives have led to the greatest accomplishments or failures that brought experience and change. Learning...g from mistakes or looking back on trials conquered is why life is so exciting. Do not live your life scared or afraid. Living with optimism is what makes life great living any other way is not really living. from mistakes or looking back on trials conquered is why life is so exciting.  Do not live your life scared or afraid." 

            Turn the Lord when you need comfort and include Him with big decisions and listen to Him and act upon faith.  Continue to pray and be guided in righteousness.

Credits:
Hughes, D. (1998). Far From Home. In D. Hughes, Children of the Promise (p. 492). Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Picking Pineapples in Florida. (2011). Retrieved from clippix etc: http://etc.usf.edu/clippix/picture/picking-pineapples-in-florida.html

Pineapple Members. (2016, December 17). Retrieved from shadowverse: https://forums.shadowverse.com/index.php?/profile/1341-pineapple/

Ripe for the picking, another Mareeba Gold pineapple grown and marketed by Pinata Farms. (2016, December 20). Retrieved from abc news: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-12-21/mareeba-gold-pineapple-sweet-success-built-on-flavour/8138354