Where Shall We Go?

           Roland has to take his vacation days or lose them.  He keeps on asking when and where we shall go.  He has a desire to go to North Carolina to see his mom who was supposed to come see us in May of last year – but because of the pandemic wasn’t sent.

          There’s still a pandemic.  We are not in the clear.  It was announced this morning that while some counties have advanced from extreme to high risk, other counties have been set back – ours for example.  We were at extreme and went to high risk but have been told that we are entering extreme again.

          I remember when we were told that the state would reopen in phases.  There would be four phases.  I don’t know of any county in the state who has gone beyond phase two.  I don’t wish for it to sound like I’m living in fear.  I think there’s a difference between fear and being cautious.  Roland will say that he needs to get the vaccine and then he will turn around and ask if we want to go bowling.  I refuse to go bowling during the pandemic.  Heck, I won’t even get into a public pool right now.  How my body has missed that during the summer.

          Before we went to New York last summer, we prayed about our decision.  Opportunities had changed.  Same thing today.  I told Roland that even if we book something we don’t know how things will be in three or four weeks.  We don’t know how they will change tomorrow.  It’s good to make plans – but as there are so many “if” factors right now.  Not only is there a pandemic but several states are experiencing tremendous weather conditions. 

I suggested we just stay around here.  It would be fun to see more of this state and parts of Washington.  Again, we have no guarantees that we would be able to find lodging.  Even so, could we trust it?  How many layoffs have resulted due to the pandemic?  I don’t think traveling at this time is a good idea.  I don’t think all the uncertainties would amount for a great vacation – and yet I am an adventurous.  I always retell situations of the unplanned and perhaps disastrous. 

Roland gave me a scenario of another who is older and Roland asked if he wasn’t worried about COVID to which he received the response, “I can’t stop living.”

I don’t think of the COVID in that same regard – certainly I want to live my life – but not at the expense of my family or my religious beliefs.  God sent plagues to His children in Biblical times.  He tested them. I feel like by going on vacation, by going bowling, by engaging in activities the way that I did before, I am failing the greater test.  I may survive my encounters.  I may have the time of my life.  But what greater blessings will I have missed by giving in?  Even the church itself has not reached phase four.  Who am I that I am better than that?

COVID is still a problem.  It hasn’t gone away.  We know people who have tested positive for COVID.  We know of many who have been hospitalized.  Some people just seem more tolerant somehow while others still have not accepted that all of this is real and that we must proceed with caution. We have a picture of ourselves with Joh's mom in our house when they dropped by 2 and a half years ago.  She passed away because of COVID.   

I am so grateful to President Biden and his messages of hope and encouragement.  Sometimes when I watch or listen to him, he looks and sounds like a general authority.  There is compassion in his voice that we have not had for the last four years.  How different things might have been if we had had a leader who set an example for us to begin with.

When the Train Stops

Yesterday I was watching a movie on Hallmark.  The movie title is one I have seen before – but with a different description.  I enjoyed the 2019 version of “Christmas Town” starring Candace Cameron Bure (here). 

           The movie starts out with the focus on a man and his little girl.  He is struggling with some health issues.  The tree has been put up and decorated and he somehow loses his balance causing the angel to fall and breaks off a wing.  He promises that he will send it off to have it fixed.  If he had just used a form of Elmer’s or Gorilla glue, we might not have the story that takes place roughly twenty years later.

Lauren has recently accepted a teaching position in Springfield, Mass. and is anxious to leave behind her life in Boston. We learn that she has a boyfriend and a promised relationship, but her wants and his wants are not the same.  She is frustrated that she hasn’t been able to contact him to let him know that she is leaving and is a bit put-off to find him home ready to pick up where they left off.  She lets him know that maybe they really aren’t meant to be.

          She takes the train toward Springfield. As the train nears a small “tourist trap type”  town full of the Christmas spirit, they make an unscheduled shop as either the weather has failed them or the train is need of repair or something . . . they stop and all the passengers are required to get off and find some means of lodging.

The scenario reminded me of how many of us have chosen a destination and create a path for ourselves on how to fulfill our goals.  There are many of us who may ride a metaphorical train that makes an unscheduled stop that may throw our entire plan off course.  We don’t know why, but something prevents us from arriving to the destination that we thought we wanted in order to fulfill something greater – although we may not see it that way in the beginning.

         I have grandnephews and a grandniece that I’ve never met.  Lucas is the oldest and was born a few months before my second and third granddaughter.  Each of them will be turning five this year.  Holy Cow!  Lucas has a younger brother.  The two of them are inseparable.   Each of them has had a hard time sleeping without the other in the same room.

            Lucas has cancer.  He’s been in and out of the hospital in order to get the treatments that he needs.  His mom and dad have become writers of a blog (here)  though even if writing had been a part of their plans, they most likely would not have chosen gaining strength in a collided “two worlds, one family” quoting Phil Collins December 31 because that is how it felt.  One parent with Lucas in the hospital while the other stayed at the house with the two-year old – who at first was allowed to visit his brother but banned after flu season – though not completely.  Just at the hospital. 

            Lucas came home for Christmas before going into the hospital again for what hopefully will be his final treatment.  I think the cancer probably made a lot of people stronger – though I don’t associate with them as they are in Minnesota and we are in Oregon and I don’t even see my brother who is the grandfather of these two boys and currently resides in Utah.

            The train not only stopped for their family but several others as well.  And each has had his or her free agency on how to react to what wasn’t a part of their plan.  From what I’ve read, they seem to be enduring greatly and yes, at times mom and dad have been emotional boobs.  But who can blame them for that.  All the while they have tried to remain strong for Lucas.  It turned out that Lucas was the strongest one of all.

            That’s only one example of a stopped train.  Not all lives experiences end being wrapped up as neatly as the Hallmark movies and certainly not in such a small amount of time.  Trials are not easy.  Some callings are not easy – especially when the person called really isn’t comfortable about having the calling.  Again, we have our free agency.  We don’t have to accept the callings.  But it is an opportunity to grow if we will accept the challenge.

            I am reminded of a sister in the ward I currently attend.  She has had the calling of a Relief Society instructor.  She taught lessons once a month and always made it known that she was not comfortable in her position.  Never vocalize your thoughts in front of a congregation.  She is now the adult Sunday School teacher and now gets the opportunity of teaching not just once, but twice a month.

            I am reminded of a poem written by Carolyn Pearson (here) in which she talks about auditioning for a play and not getting the desired role, but the coveted role actually goes to one that she doesn’t consider worthy to play the part.  A transition is made for the girl who lands the part and it makes the author realize that we all have potential if given the opportunity.

            I hope that when I find myself on a path that I don’t particular think fits in my plans, I will focus on Him who knows better than I and I may express more gratitude for where I am. 

Freeing Ourselves From the Snares

Warning folks - this post is a long one.  I have been trying to find the right words to convey my thoughts and hope that I have.  I somehow seem to have a big following in Italy - though I can't imagine why.  I know I don't have the greatest sentence structure and my thoughts somehow get clouded. May you have success in comprehending how this is written:

         

          I am so sick of marketing ploys that prey on people’s weaknesses or vanity that should you use said product you will not only look years younger but feel amazing.  There are products for getting rid of wrinkles, bags under the eyes, weight, etc.  One product claims tighter skin just by rolling their magic stone around your face.  It’s like society has conditioned us that if we should have turkey necks, wrinkles, scars, pimples or whatever – we are unworthy to be associating with second class citizens, let alone the first.  We are a disgrace and should feel bad about ourselves because we are so ugly and unworthy to be sharing the same planet as all the beautiful people.

          That is a bit how I viewed the church for so many years – perhaps not the church so much as perhaps some leaders who made it sound as if our being single, without children, without spouse, with addiction, working outside of the home, or heaven forbid, same sex attraction was a sign of weakness and our image wasn’t good enough.  There was the portrayal of being ideal – living up to a “forever family” image.  If we were single or anything else listed above – well, we weren’t on the path of righteousness.  There was something wrong with us.  We were sinners for not having partners (which we had been sealed to in the temple, of course) or any other mentioned above.

          I wasn’t ashamed of being single or family life.  I was born into quite an awesome family.  Mom and dad provided spectacular examples of married life and we were (still are) quite a loving family – why wouldn’t I want that for myself?  I did.  But I wasn’t dating.  I wasn’t going to get sealed in the temple to a man just for the sake of having a temple marriage.  The older I got, the harder it was to sit through “Today’s topic is on the family.  Of course we love the single people and would like to include you . . .” but they never did.  If anything, they pushed me further until I thought, “I don’t even want to get married and live this cookie cutter mold” which evidently doesn’t even exist.  Well, I suppose it does.  It’s rare though.  They did not tell us that as I was growing up.

          But today somebody has finally taken the time to admit that there is diversity.  Not many of us identify with the ideal or fully understand the proclamation (here) that seems to shout “DISCRIMINATION” to so many.  I know I’ve written about this before – several times in fact.  It was the topic on Saturday morning and again on Sunday.  Only we are no longer discriminating or pointing fingers – instead we are saying, “We don’t need the make-up or other fancy products;  we all have flaws and we need to reach out to others and let them know we can and should accept them regardless.  None of us fit into the ideal.

          On Saturday I had gone to the stake center for an RS activity.  Seems each year the attendance is less than the year prior.  I think there were only seven sisters there from our ward.  The theme I would guess was taken from Sharon Eubank’s conference talk (found here) about finding the light in the darkness.  The session started out with a couple of sisters sharing their “hardship” stories.  Slips of paper were passed to each sister with instructions to check boxes of challenges that we had experienced either first hand or within our families.

          The pencil I had been given had lost its led.  I took out a pen and checked three things believing I was doing well having only three challenges myself.  I had misread what I had experienced or close family members or else I would have checked them all – except perhaps “stay at home mom”. I have been and am currently a stay at home mom (for the most part right now anyway) but did not mark it as I never considered that a “challenge”.

          I have been single.  I started my post with that example.

          Blended family – if the blend had included only the boys, it would not have been a problem.  Jaime’s sisters themselves were not a problem.  Their mom was a problem.  A fat thorn in our side for years.  I still have not gotten over the feeling of resentment of having had her in my life.  Nor have I developed any sort of empathy or compassion toward her.  I have deeply enjoyed NOT having her in our lives.

          I know people who are divorced.  People who had gotten sealed in the temple.  People who believed they were headed for the ideal.  I have not witnessed this through my parents or boys but I do have cousins who have done the divorce thing.

          Infertility/Miscarriage -  my mom had two miscarriages and I had a miscarriage/abortion (see here) – I suppose it was a challenge, but it hasn’t haunted me to the point of depression.  I suppose a lot of this comes from my own interpretation and frustration of women in the Bible who somehow think or feel less than a person when it is discovered that she is barren.  I have rolled my eyes at the thought of feeling less than a person because one can not have a child.  I have always thought, “get over yourself . . . there are other things . . .” though I suppose in the Biblical times the women were treated even more inferior than they are today and that was their only purpose for being on the planet.  Oh, how grateful I am that there is more to womanhood than just bearing children.

          I’m not knocking motherhood or feel for those who can’t bear children or go through the process of adoption (I can empathize with those who try to adopt and the heartache they feel when others seem to have more control than do the couple) but there are certainly more a woman can contribute to society than just what takes place in her womb.  There are some woman who don’t want to become mothers.  There are many woman who should not be mothers. 

          Incarceration – Nobody in my immediate family has been in a physical prison though each of us have dealt with a prison either mentally, emotionally or spiritually.   Often those prisons can be more devastating.  It puts a strain on relationships especially where Satan is involved because much too often it is hard to pinpoint in which the prison walls started to build up.

          Same sex attraction – I compared it to peanut allergies in this post.  No one chooses to have peanut allergies.  It may be controlled as much as sexual attraction.  People don’t choose who their attracted to, it just happens.  Denying it or rather trying to doesn’t make it less true.

          Addiction - I have never been addicted to those mentioned on the list but I do know that sugar is an addiction and have had a hard time trying to control my sugar intake.  My mom had a hard time with it and never gave it up completely though she was diabetic.  Most of the people I know that have addictions are sugar addictions.  Perhaps I have to have a sugar addiction to have compassion towards those who abuse drug or alcohol though I have made the choice not to rely on those myself.  I don’t even like taking prescribed medicines in fear that I may become addicted to those.

          Depression is a big one.  There are different degrees of depression.  Some go through mood changes constantly.  Some become drug dependant because of that.  I have seen it in my late daughter-in-law and her mother – though I don’t suspect she had always been that way.  I understand that she is getting worse.  I was told that she may be committed.

          Chronic illness or injury – that could also be my late daughter-in-law.  She had psychological issues as well, but I have been told that she and two of her sibs all used to get seizures.  Each of them died at the age of 32.  That brings us to death of loved ones.  

          I have always had a positive reaction to death.  It happens.  I have never lost children and of course the death will affect me. I can’t say for sure that I will be/would be stronger than Biff’s mother-in-law (see here) but as of now I believe I wouldn’t dwell on it nor would I post a death date reminder indicating how many years ago it happened because there are people who do it on facebook right now (Biff’s mother-in-law for one) and it bugs me that they seem to be dwelling on the death rather than focusing on life.  I realize for some people it is therapy, for others, I think it has the opposite effect. I think this attitude will stay with me should Jenna go before me.

          I did have a problem with being a working mom when I knew the boys would benefit more if I were to remain at home.  I wish I had been there for them that first year.

          Being a stay-at-home mom has not been a challenge for me personally, though I know there are some mothers who feel like they need a break and would like at least one day to themselves and that is understandable.  But it certainly does not fit into yesterday’s definition of the ideal.

          Part member or part active families.  I think often times there are so many who just seem to go through the motions of going to church each week, perhaps accepting assignments that call for serving a day other than Sunday.  Each of my boys has been married in the temple.  Two of my sibs.  All happy marriages.  Corey was not married in the temple.  Corey is not temple worthy according to the code. He is happily married and lives the gospel though not through the church.  We are all happy.  We are all close to God. 

Patrick and Sunny have raised all their children in the same manner as mom and dad had raised us.  All four of their children have been through the temple.  The oldest two have been sealed to their spouses in the temple.  Kayla and Bill are raising their three who are still in elementary school.  I’m not as close to the boys as I’d like to be.  We are nowhere near the ideal of where my sibs are.  My oldest is living out a somewhat soap opera life. But that’s a post within itself.

Financial issues – oh, this is the one I can relate to the best.  We had three boys on missions unable to financially support any of them.  But how blessed we have been.  Though we have experienced state, church and family welfare, we have never been homeless.  I have always lived in a house.  That has been a blessing that I perhaps had taken for granted at times. I feel for those who are struggling to find a home, to keep a home, for those who can’t seem to make ends meet no matter how hard they try.  I don’t fully relate as I have never been that far gone.

My sister, Kayla, had a learning disability.  Her oldest also struggles with some learning concepts.  Each of them have a powerful faith despite their struggles.  I have always envied that.  My two oldest boys seem to have learning challenges as well.

I have never had to dote on someone who was physically challenged nor have I been a challenge to others to the degree of being totally dependent on others, but I suppose if I don’t take care of myself I could end up headed in that direction.   I’m definitely not as spry as Jenna and I think she gets frustrated with that at times.  I have NEVER had good sleeping habits. I know that my lack of a proper sleep has contributed to my moods and my physical well being.

Later on Saturday evening, Roland took Jenna and I up to Roseburg to see a concert.  We had programmed our destination into the GPS which had gotten us around the coast earlier this month.  But sometimes when we have gone to Roseburg, our GPS somehow manages to take us astray.  Saturday happened to be one of those nights.  It took us in the direction that we needed to go but had us stop at a fork in the road which supposedly marked our destination.  It was not our destination but Roland believed he could see a building he thought was where we needed to be. 

Though we could see the building in the distance, the path we were on was not going to get us there and so Roland turned around and programmed the address into Google (which is maybe what we should have done in the first place).  As he drove toward our new destination we saw a deer running fast.  Roland announced that the deer was going to try to outrun him and slowed down.  The deer jumped high to leap over the fence, but not high enough.  Her neck got caught in the barb wire.  Jenna and I were horrified.  Jenna asked Roland to do something.  Roland didn’t believe there was anything he could do as the struggling deer would kick at him were he to try and assist.

Initially I thought this might make a good metaphor for some of our struggling youth whose frontal cortex part of the brain hasn’t fully developed and they think they can outrun what they may foresee as harmful.  But after Sunday’s lesson I realized that the deer represents all of us.  Each of have (or has had) something that we have struggled with and some of us feel we are being hung by our necks and are struggling to get lose from the pain.  Some of us watch helplessly as we our loved ones fight to become free.  Some get defensive when/if we try to help them and perhaps it’s not our place on how to make it right.  We need to pray for inspiration on how we can help guide others as well as ourselves to free ourselves from the pain and stay in tune with the Spirit.  We need to have a witness to ourselves that we may know how we should go about making amends and finding peace that will feel us and help us see the light. We somehow each need to go through our own personal crucifixion.

When Roland opened the door of the car, the doe struggled harder until finally she was free and took off into an orchard (won’t the owners of the orchard be thrilled?) Thus it is possible to escape the darkness and find the light.  We may have scars, but we will be stronger for it. 

A Fork in the Road

            Many of us may have a destination in mind.  Some are fortunate enough to choose a path that they wish to follow.  For others, it may seem that life threw them a curve ball and the path they are on is not one of their choosing.  For example, you may be in a car accident on your way to work.  You may experience back injuries that will stay with you for the rest of your life.   

            You may have a son who is a victim of a knife wound that damaged his brain.  He can still carry on a conversation, even an intelligent one, but his social skills will always be like that of a nine-year-old and it will be frustrating for you to watch a forty-year-old man resort back to his immature childish reactions.  He might not be embarrassed when others snicker at him but perhaps you are.

           

            Your mother may get Alzheimer's or another form of dementia. She forgets names and events.  Her reality takes her back to another place in time - a time that you, yourself, have not experienced.  Her reality and yours are no longer the same. 

            Your niece had made plans of attending a more prestige high school in another city, but your sister gets pregnant with her second child.  Your niece now has to attend the local high school as your sister is now on bed rest and unable to drive her to the other school every day.

            Or you recently started having seizures and have been to several hospitals and doctors in less than a year and end up in a wheelchair.  You are not even seventeen.  This path you're on was definitely not part of your plan.

            Or your spouse dies three years after you marry and your only child hasn't even turned two yet.  Of course, all of these statistics affect many people.  We become caregivers or call on others to assist.  We don't wish to be a burden to anyone, nor do we wish to have our lives disrupted - not only emotionally but many feel financially drained as well.  So why does it happen?

            Why do some lose their minds at such a young age while others live to be old and just as sharp as ever?  Why are some more physically fit than others who have worked so much harder to stay in shape?  Why do some people always seem to have money while others struggle from paycheck to paycheck and never seem to get ahead?

            We might not be able to choose our trials, but we can choose our reaction - though at times displaying a positive attitude seems to be more of a challenge than our situation.  I feel bad for not being in Utah to be with my great aunt and uncle.  When my daughter-in-law passed, we went back for the funeral.  When my great uncle passed, we did not. 

            My great aunt has always been in good health and aware of his surroundings.  Her hearing had declined over the years - but she was sharp.  Both her and my uncle until his dying day.  She took a fall one Easter back in 2013.  She was in a rehab center for a while in 2013 and seemed to be getting better.  She passed the center and returned to her house. She gradually declined after that.  My cousins and family have been taking care of her.  In a way, I wish I was there to help them.  In a way, I am grateful that I have an excuse to not have to go through it again.

            Attitude is everything.  I pray that I may always have a grateful attitude.  Especially when I don't understand why the destination of the path doesn't look the same as where I thought I (or we) was/were headed.

Somewhere Between Eden and Gethsemane

        A garden, by definition, is either a cultivated plot of ground or a gathering place such as a park which is generally adorned with plants and trees.  I guess I have never considered the definition until quite recently.  We had our Stake Conference this weekend, and one of the speakers mentioned two specific gardens found in the scriptures and discussed the symbolic differences between them.

          The Garden of Eden, as mentioned in Geneses,          is outlined as a paradise.  We see paintings of fruit and vegetation, peace and waterfalls, a beautiful place where everything is tranquil.  I guess it represents a kind of perfection.

          The Garden of Gethsemane, as portrayed by each of the gospels, does not have the same appeal.  Paintings often depict a drab setting with perhaps a few barren-looking trees, a hard rock or boulder, uncultivated dirt - it appears to be the opposite of the Garden of Eden.  There is no tranquility.  It represents hardships.  It represents trials.  There is sadness in Gethsemane and it takes faith to endure just being there.

          My youngest son seems to live in Eden for the most part.  He allows discouraging thoughts to roll off his back.   He tries to coax others to come into Eden by waving to them and showing them what the garden has to offer. Sometimes I have questioned whether he has been to  Gethsemane.  I know he's seen it. I don't know he's willing to leave his comfort zone to physically pull others out of Gethsemane.  I could be wrong.

          My middle son fluctuates between the two gardens.  He seems happy and content with one, but then something will set him off and he will mope around in the other.  And then there's my eldest who unfortunately has spent too many years in the Garden of Gethsemane and continues to delve deeper into the garden instead of trying to get out.

          Often his way of thinking (or lack thereof) remind me of John Steinbeck's character "Lennie Small" from Of Mice and Men.  Lennie is sweet for the most part, is seen as uneducated and slow-minded.  He doesn't mean to be harmful to anyone, but sometimes he gets frustrated and defensive when he is unable to communicate his thoughts to others.  I don't think that Biff is quite that far gone, but he tends to forget things he once believed. 

        Often our conversations are (and have been) like beating our heads against a brick wall.  I do believe that he would become bored with Eden in a matter of time, but I don't enjoy watching him struggling in Gethsemane, and I don't know how to help him.  Nor do I know how to comfort his mother-in-law who has visited Gethsemane more times than I have.

          I understand the need for trials.  I understand the need  for peace.  I'd like to see all of my children find their common ground between the two gardens.  I'd like that for everyone.

From What I Recall . . .

            I think my favorite talk for this past conference was this one given by Elder Ronald A. Rasband.   

He talked about a subject that I have touched on my blog before.  I was reminded of a post I created just over a year and a half ago.  I had briefly discussed Wendy Ulrich's book "Habits of Happiness".  The particular subject was "Don't try to get  Help from your Problems" - in other words, ask God to help you make your weaknesses become strengths - rely upon Him as the path you thought you may have chosen isn't necessarily the right one for you.

  

            It is interesting that so many of us can listen to or read the same exact talk and walk away from it with a different interpretation than another might - just as with the parables the Savior would deliver to those who would listen and those who were in tune (or are in tune) with the spirit will take from it what is needed in our life at that moment.

            I know there have been many unwilling to accept that the course of the path they travel is perhaps the best plan for them - or perhaps they are supposed to meet or influence others that they might not if circumstances were different.  Sometimes we feel that a situation might be better if we hadn't been at "the wrong place at the wrong time" but how do we know it was wrong.  Maybe it was a part of Heavenly Father's plan all along.  Maybe we had to overcome challenges to learn humility or some other lesson.  Maybe we need to set an example for somebody else.  

            In this post I compared Merida (from "Brave") and her desires to what was expected, what was desired, and how the course hadn't even been close to what had been expected - but had helped her to grow nonetheless. 

  

            Although Elder John D. Pingree's talk (here) seemed more aimed toward missionary work, it also reminded me of the examples that I used just trying to make it through our everyday lives and how to incorporate these four steps into helping others through service and talents and allowing ourselves to grow from our trials and use that to help others also.

           

    

If you can’t question your religion, Why Are You In It?

         I don’t know if I had met Kelly prior to the being called to serve on the activities committee.  The first activity I remember being involved with was a “food storage/budgeting made-fun activity” Kelly played Betty Barker and I became the emcee who drew the names of contestants and invited them to “come on down”.

         Even then she was struggling with the Church and her family life – desiring to connect the two but feeling torn with her beliefs.  Her husband showed no sign of ever wanting to be involved with the Church or even anybody who belonged to it.  Perhaps Kelly wasn’t even active when they met but gradually came around with a desire for having God and direction in her life – perhaps not necessarily the “Mormon Church”

         That was five years ago.  And she continues to battle with herself and her maintaining a comfortable relationship and self worth which she is not finding in the Church.  I understand.  Perhaps not completely.  But I do understand why she would leave – although she hasn’t withdrawn completely.

         Her husband still gives her no support as far as showing any interest in church or church members.  I didn’t even know what he looked like until the other night when I glanced at him through the window.  He had heard we were coming and made his “get-away” before we were even out of the car.

         Kelly’s last calling had been a counselor in the primary.  Not where she wanted to be, but accepted the calling believing it would keep her on the path to and at that the Church is where she needed to be – until she was asked to create the program for the 2014 “Families are Forever” theme.  That became the straw that broke the camel’s back.  It wasn’t in her heart to create a program that she herself felt discriminated against.

         Actually, I had wondered how the majority felt as many of the primary children are from broken homes, inactive or part member families, many with barriers that seem to prevent the traditional “families are forever” theme. 

         Elenore sat on the stand near the pulpit, to help the children with the lines they might have forgotten. I wondered if the program had been difficult for her as she and her husband had divorced long before I had even met her. She’d gone back to her maiden name rather than identifying herself with her married name.  She has custody of their two children, but he has visitation rights.

         I hadn’t even paid attention to Kelly’s absence as I watched various children get up and recite lines that just didn’t seem to fit in their current living environment.  How many of them believed in the words that they said?  How many struggled through that program?  I did.

         Kelly’s youngest son and Jenna have often played together.  Kelly had told me about sending her son to a water park all summer.  I had been dragging Jenna to Kearns with me last summer.  Perhaps “drag” is not the correct word as she really did enjoy being with her cousins.  But I know she would have loved spending summer at a water park if given the opportunity. 

         I had asked Kelly if Spencer would be returning to the water park this summer and thought I would look into a pass for Jenna.  I thought we had talked just last month, but then she disappeared.

         I was substitute teaching the last three weeks of December.  I think there were five or six names on the role in Jenna’s class, but it was usually just Elenore’s son and Jenna.  Spencer wasn’t there during the three weeks I had taught.  I sent Kelly a message to inquire if she and her family had been out of town for the holidays.  Turns out she is actually attending another church – one that doesn’t push the “Families are Forever” theme.  One that doesn’t make her feel discriminated against.

         I had the same struggles when I was single for so long – not as long as several sisters in the current ward I belong to.  I was married at 39.  There are several sisters in my ward who are much older that have not had opportunity to marry – or perhaps they have and it just didn’t feel right with choice of partner.  I don’t know.  I know that there are several who feel discriminated against when lessons are given on eternal marriage or husband/wives relationships.  It’s hurtful to hear when that very thing doesn’t seem to exist in the earthly future.

         I recently read that divorce is 50/50 but that a marriage needs to be 100/100.  And there are some couples that each give 100% and then there are other couples in which one does all the giving while the other does all the taking.  I can only control what I give, but I cannot control what another might contribute.  Roland contributes 100% - perhaps more.  But not everybody has that.  Not everybody has the support from family members.  Not everybody gives 100%.

         Hannah moved into the ward about a year after we did.  For the longest time I believed that she was a single parent as I never saw her with a spouse.  She was diligent about coming to meetings and activities though it was challenging at times.  It wasn’t known to all that there were struggles, for Hannah wore a smile on her face and pressed on.  One day she announced that there were struggles and coming to church wasn’t easy. Her husband didn’t wish to attend church with her.

         When Asher (her son) got closer to turning eight, he begged his dad to please come back to Church so that he could baptize him.  Thus after eight or nine years of attending Church on her own, Hannah’s husband finally came around.  He is the one who baptized Asher.  Endurance.

         So where is Kelly’s reward when she has seemingly had to endure even longer?  Why are there some whose trials seem to outlast their faith while others seem to be rewarded in just a matter of minutes?  How many of us feel that we have been or are being dealt with unfairly?  For how long must we endure?

         One of my biggest hang-ups in this “pushing family” church is the discrimination that seemingly takes place at the temple.  The sealing ceremony in which only the worthy temple recommends holders can participate.  All loved ones who are not temple recommend holders are allowed to wait in the lobby but cannot witness the special event because they don’t have recommends.  They have been labeled “unworthy” How do you explain that? 

         I was married civilly over three years before I was sealed.  The civil marriage was a lot more personable.  I enjoyed having guests at my wedding that otherwise couldn’t come to see Roland and I exchange vows.  I don’t like to feel excluded because I don’t have a recommend (or didn’t; not when Patrick married.  Not when my cousin married her first husband) and I don’t wish for others to feel that way.

         What does a “Forever Family” mean in my case?  That the boys will go with Roland and their mom?  That Jenna will go with Roland and me?  And what’s to become of Roland’s oldest two girls?  They were born under the covenant?  But do they sense that now?  Do they even know what that means?

         The boys are adults with spouses (soon families) of their own.   How does that work?  Are they always going to reside with us in the hereafter or will they go with their wives’ families?  I don’t think our concept of “Families are forever” will be the same as what we may build up in our minds.  We are required to have faith that it will all work out.  God’s kind and men’s kind are very often not the same.

            Denise shared her testimony after her forty plus years of struggles – though not with the Church.  She had been baptized when she was 19.  The ward bishop had called her into his office to call her as a primary teacher.  But there was a condition that came with accepting the call.  She would have to stop dating her boyfriend.  It wasn’t because even because he wasn’t a member, but apparently the bishop objected to his race.  I don’t know if she saw that as discrimination coming from the Church or just that particular leader.  It wasn’t right that he had told her that.  She left the Church and did not return until over forty years later.

            The elder missionaries showed up on her doorstep shortly after she lost her dad.  She was in a state of depression.  She had answered the door in her pajamas and commented that one elder in particular was dead set about helping her.  She said she needed her dishes done but didn’t have any soap.  The elders dismissed themselves but said they would return.

            When the elders returned, they brought back some dish soap along with a missionary couple.  While the elders did dishes, Denise sat in the other room with the elderly couple and asked about her father.  It was a very good visit and an indication for her to return to the Church in which she had been baptized a member over four decades earlier.

            We all have our trials.  We all have our disappointments.  Endurance is not an easy thing.  For many, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  For many there is no life.  They have given up home.  Some hang on by a thread searching for a glimmer of hope.  May each of us find the strength needed to endure than we may find peace?  That is my hope. 

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda . . . Time Machine

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble; . . .” Ether 12:27

How many of us wish we had a time machine that we might have opportunity for do over.  If only I had made a different choice.  If only I had spent more time (and probably money) perhaps we could have found our runaway dog.  I wish I had been a more positive influence when Roland’s girls came to visit.  I wish I hadn’t left Jenna in all day kindergarten after we moved.

Regrets are demons if we allow ourselves to dwell on what could have been instead of just moving on.  Perhaps we may learn from or see growth from what it is we think we’d like to change.  Allow me to use Jenna’s kindergarten experience as an example.

The school by our first house offered two all-day kindergarten classes.  There were few parents who desired just half day.  The instructors were able to devote more time to their students and the children learned more than they would have in half day.  That is what I was used to.  That is what I wanted to continue with.

But we didn’t necessarily have that option at the second school.  The all day kindergarten program was definitely NOT the same.  I didn’t know that.  Either it hadn’t been explained to me or I just wasn’t listening or I hadn’t understood.  Nor had I prayed about my decision to put her in all day kindergarten.  But even if I had, would the results have been any different?

Jenna LOVED her first school and she tried loving her second.  But she was as a disadvantage as she was so much smarter than the other children who didn’t know how to accept Jenna.  I don’t think they were mean to her necessarily, but they certainly weren’t friendly.  Jenna felt so alone – which she would have in half day as well, but it would have been fewer hours at school and more time with me teaching her at home.

I’ve known all along that it was/is stupid to have this regret.  It has already happened.  I can’t change it.  And yet I realize that without the tragedy of how Jenna and I each felt about her education (or rather lack of) that we would most likely not be where we are today.  For without that experience I may not have searched so hard to find another school.  Nor would I have even considered another school if we were still living in our first house. She’s had many awesome opportunities with her current school that she would have missed out on with the other two. I think it was worth the four month struggle we both faced after we moved.  But it’s taken me a long time to figure it out.

Whenever I think of the apostle Peter, I wonder if he had regrets.  He made some huge errors that are recorded for the entire world to read about.  And yet, how much stronger and diligent was he at fulfilling his mission?  Did he not turn his human weaknesses into strengths?  Was he not a stronger leader after the resurrection than before Christ was crucified?

There are no time machines.  We can’t change the past.  Regret will only get in the way of our growth and happiness.  We need to move on.  We need to find our strengths.