Christmas Angels

           My first daughter-in-law is a lot more creative and frugal with money than I have ever been.  Both skills I am certain that she learned from her mother who was able to make her husband’s paycheck stretch among feeding seven children and providing for medical and clothing needs.  I don’t know what her dad did for a living, but I highly suspected that there had been struggles.  I, unfortunately, never got to know her mom as she passed two months after Tony and Rochelle were married. 

          Roland sent each of the boys a check to use for Christmas gifts this year.  I don’t like going to the post office in December as it is.  And we always end up spending more on shipping than for the items themselves. Of course this year presented even more challenges.  For the last couple of years we have sent out gifts to Tony’s family and sometimes my sister.  We had both told Tony that we wouldn’t be doing a gift exchange this year. Oregon seems to have more restrictions than does Utah – or else there are just more people in Utah that don’t care.

          Tony said they had gifts for us regardless.  I am so happy about the gifts he sent for there was a lot of thought put into them – and I’m certain the family had fun making these:

 

          One year Rochelle had traced each child’s handprint and added faces to make them deer.  This year she turned the handprints into Angel wings:

 

          They also made a nativity which we will hang on our tree next year. 

 

          I received a cup that displayed the photos of the three grandchildren from that side.  There was also a 300 piece puzzle which we will start after we take the tree and other decorations down.

 

          Jenna took pictures of our opening packages and all the games that were sent.  We will be playing one this morning.  Most require more than two people.  Look forward to when we will be able to do that with other people.

Try to See With God's Eyes

 

We are all made of many puzzle pieces 

some more complex than others. 

Some seem near completion but we don’t really know. 

Only God sees the entire picture. 

He knows what puzzle pieces go where. 

 Sometimes He will send people into your life

to help you find your puzzle pieces

 but the picture is never complete for ourselves

 why would it be for another?

  If I don’t know about all the pieces that

are missing from my life or what pieces will

make me whole or tie me to somebody else

 what makes me think I can see

another’s completed picture?  I can’t. 

 

I know I can only see a small handful at best

but I’m not an expert who can always figure out

how they connect. 

I want to be a good friend. 

I want to help others feel more complete. 

Especially during this pandemic. 

We definitely are living an odd era.

God sees the complete picture. 

He knows how we fit.

Food To Go

         On Wednesday one of our most beloved ward members returned home after fighting a battle with cancer.  I don’t know if she had cancer before she and her family had moved out of the ward.  I first learned about it at the Christmas party last year.  She had lost a lot of weight and told her that she looked good.  That is when she sprung the news on me “in confidence”.  She said she had told only a few selected people – those who were her closest friends – which I learned yesterday was just about everybody.  That seemed to be her purpose in life – making each person feel as though he or she was her best friend.  

        I have referred to her as Aurelia in my blog and so will continue with it.  She was the 2^nd counselor in the Relief Society when my family moved to Oregon in 2015. I think she lived further southeast than anybody as it would take her 45 minutes to just over an hour to get to church – depending on the weather.  But she was diligent in making that drive and visiting those she loved.  She would come to the ward once a month to set up for lunch and games.  She loved the ward members.  She loved to laugh.  She loved playing games.  She was so much fun to be around.

        Even after she had moved out of the ward and no longer had a key to the building, she would still come around for those once-a-month Wednesdays until the weather turned.  It made for a longer drive.  Sadly, she didn’t feel connected to the ward she had moved into.  Boy, did they miss out!  Aurelia is one of the most Christ like people that I can think of.  She didn’t gossip or speak unkindly of anyone.  If she did let an unkind word slip (which was rare) she would immediate get on her own case and say that she would have to repent.  Everybody knew and loved Aurelia. And had it not been for this strange year of masks and social distancing the church would have been packed yesterday with those who wished to celebrate her life.

        It has been a tradition within many wards to prepare and serve food to those family members who have traveled for the funeral.  As with many other traditions 2020 has managed to cancel or provide opportunity for those to make adjustments, we did not do the traditional luncheon.  We were told that there would be 20 family members.  Before the services started, we were there to prepare 20 sack lunches for the family to take with them as they drove away.  No social distancing in the kitchen.  Only two people could be in the kitchen in order to accomplish that.  I believe there were five of us. 

        There was no casket, no viewing of the body.  I don’t know if Aurelia had been buried already, where, or surrounding events.  Her family had wanted to hold services where she had been comfortable and had served diligently.  It was a nice service but we sat spaced out and were excused right after the service.  At least three in the back rows (who were excused to leave first) went to our cars and left the parking lot.  I wasn’t there to see how quickly the rest had filed out.

        Various ward members gave brief talks before the family members were invited to share their memories.  Her youngest daughter shared a memory of being sick as a child – she’d been down with the flu or a cold and Aurelia had gone toward her room to check on her when there was some kind of crash that had encountered her leg.  The child got out of bed to come to her mother’s aid but became disoriented and fainted.  Each was concerned about meeting the needs of the other.

        When it was discovered that Aurelia needed care, she was taken to the hospital but still concerned more about her youngest daughter than of herself.  Aurelia left the hospital with 58 stitches in her leg.  The speaker had checked out with no concerns.  That’s just the kind of person Aurelia was – always thinking of others more than herself.  It didn’t matter if we were even blood related. 

        She had told me that she saw the cancer as a blessing.  I understand she was bed ridden toward the end.  Oh, how I have missed her.  How blessed Heaven is to have her back.

Christmas 2020

         Last week I had taken Jenna to the church with me in order to wrap gifts for some members in the ward.  Another sister had dropped by the church to donate some games – which Jenna volunteered to take home.  I’m not really certain how that came about but we did end up with them.

        Thursday night Jenna’s Sunday School teacher dropped off a candy filled sock.  Jenna added the small sock to our fireplace; she said it would be for Bonnie.

 

        It turned out to be a really nice Christmas.  Each of us had three gifts beneath the tree plus the two games we dubbed from Santa Clause. Traditionally we will first open our socks.  Jenna passed them out one at a time.  I noticed my sock was bulkier than it had been before I had gone to bed.  Gloves, toffee, a chocolate orange and a notebook had been added to what I had already put in. 

 

        We each ended up with chocolate oranges – though Roland’s was dark while Jenna and I both received milk.  Roland also had sugar free chocolates and a McDonald’s card.  Jenna and I both received peppermint bark which Roland doesn’t seem to care for all that much. 

Jenna also received some Christmas cubes in her stocking.  She said it was meant for me but had to put it in her sock as there was no room in mine.      

me doing an elf jig while singing a Christmas carol

  

Bonnie's stocking

        After the gifts were open we watched Light the World here.  I like watching the virtual recording as opposed to seeing it in person – which I think I’ve only done once.  Watching so many faces (and not just doll-sized figures on the stage) from the comfort of my couch was so much better than going downtown Salt Lake. While I listened to the music, I filled out this Christmas themed paper.

 

 Afterward we played Mormon-opoly (one of the two games from Santa) It seems like a good theme for the transition from Book of Mormon, Christmas, and the Come Follow Me program which starts the Doctrine and Covenants.  The properties start at the New Testament (Bethlehem, Gathsemane), Book of Mormon (Zarahemla, Jeruselem) and church history (three places in New York, Nauvoo, Illinois and Kirkland Ohio and the progression of the church) also included are four newspapers instead of four railroads, “faith” and “bishop’s storehouse” instead of “chance” and “community chest”, and “spiritual darkeness” instead of “jail”.

        I like reading the information on the properties for example “Fayetteville Township, New York” says

 

·        The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was organized here on April 6, 1830.

·        The first conference was held here on June 9, 1830.

·        Where the Book of Mormon translation was completed.

 

Temple Square:

 

·        The Temple Square Mission began in 1875.

·        Home of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, which held its first broadcast on July 15, 1929.

 

Some of them offer scriptures to read while the game is being played.  Bishop’s Storehouse and Faith cards also include scriptures at the end of each direction.  For example I had to pick a property to donate to charity and then I was sent to spiritual darkness the next round.  Jenna had passed go five times before I would make it around the board once.  And they made me the banker and all of the money and cards stuck together which added more time to the game.  When I landed on Roland’s properties for the umpteenth time I forfeited the game and so Jenna declared Roland the winner. 

 

        Jenna took Bonnie for a walk while Roland and I ate an early lunch.  She had returned after only a few minutes as it had started raining and Bonnie doesn’t like the rain. It was raining for most of the day and into the night.  It is still raining.

         Throughout the day Jenna and Roland played the Book of Mormon chess set while I took a few pictures and started this post for my blog.  I was unable to finish all of my thoughts until this morning.  My post would have probably included more detail if I had not been interrupted.  I suppose it already appears too long.  Oh, well.

how our tree looked Christmas morning

shirt received on Christmas - the only unwrapped gift beneath the tree
pictured: a chicken with the caption keeping it rural.  Also got matching
socks with roosters with the caption: rise and shine (pictured below)

Roland sent this doll to his mom and we got to watch her open it

This was taken later in the night; played our last game - not a new one

Weather, Repairs, Crafts and Desktop

Jenna had wanted to do a craft.  We went and gathered pinecones on Tuesday.  Yesterday we made these:

 Jenna also found the perfect rock and painted a scene.  I thought it turned out well.

 

Roland had purchased some sensors for the house in order to detect anyone in our driveway or anyone on our porch.  One was more sensitive than the other and had gone off more times than needed.  He decided he would take care of it when he got off work yesterday in addition to putting up lights for the stairs and moving the initial light he had purchased which wasn’t serving the purpose as he had hoped.

 We were about to lose light and I didn’t want him to climb the ladder and not be able to finish the projects he had on his agenda.  He was tired and I could sense that he was already frustrated without a darkness challenge.  I suggested putting everything away and trying again today.  He had the entire day off after all.

 He asked me if I would go out with him at 11:00.  The fog was still lingering and it was cold.  Darn cold.  34 degrees Fahrenheit.  I don’t recall ever being so cold in Oregon.  Not even during snowmegeden when the power went out.  COLD.  The first picture was taken before 11:30.

 

The fog started lifting after that.

 

as the sky cleared in the east there was still darkness to the west

tried to highlight above of snowcapped trees

tried to capture dew as it glistened in the trees

 

I turned on my computer to write down my thoughts.  I was greeted by this picture.

My youngest niece and two nephews Halloween this year.  I had to put this on my desktop because it makes me smile.

Light Inspiration and Gratitude

 

I didn’t know what inspirational story to share on facebook – though I thought it should be personal.  I had considered the last day my mom was in the hospital and how all four of her children were there trying to plan her funeral and asking her questions that related.  She was between worlds and so when she gave us answers we weren’t always certain which side she was talking to.  For example Corey had asked about what hymns she would want to be sung.  I knew she likes “I Am a Child of God” and would like it sung at her funeral. When Corey asked “What hymns do you like?” she smiled and said, “That’s a secret.”

I don’t remember all of our conversation.  I know it was a good conversation and all four of her children laughed together.  It felt like an inspirational mood.  I had also considered a time when we had gone to see my great grandma at the nursing home.  Mom had gone diligently every week and grandma, for the most part, hadn’t seemed too with it or able to communicate. 

It was in December – I think just before or maybe on Christmas day – my dad was with us and we sang some Christmas carols and Grandma sang with us.  That was really touching to have her join us and feel like angels were present.  It was later in the evening when I wrote the following:

 

“I did not get dressed today. I wasn't going anywhere and thought my pajamas felt comfortable. As I was thinking about an inspirational story that I could post, I thought about Shauna Hamp who would always get dressed no matter what ailed her because "only sick people stay in their pajamas".

“Shauna was a HUGE inspiration to everyone who knew her. She laughed and smiled and always focused on the good and service of others. I did not know her before she was diagnosed with Scleroderma - a disease that seemingly suffocates the skin and tissues within. When her crippling disease became to painful for her to work in her profession of physical therapy, she went back to school to get her license to become an RN. Shauna outlived her disease by 17 years due to her healthy attitude. She truly was an inspiration. I have good memories of many people in that ward who endured and have taught me a lot.”

         

From that same ward I had interaction with two members who had overcome agoraphobia.  Sharon had shared her story with a small group.  I would have never thought that had ever been a problem.  It seems like this pandemic would have been the perfect place for them at one time.  

There are countless things that I am grateful for. The “light” I shared today was this post:

I have been grateful for the "Come Follow Me" program since its introduction. I am grateful for those who have taken it upon themselves to share their insight. I love watching Don't Miss This with Emily Freeman and David Butler. I also learn a lot from Teach With Power presented by Brad Wilcox. It is especially wonderful to have these tools during the pandemic.––

More Emotions and Light the World

               Three hours after my last post I had gone from hurt to angry – which is not a cool emotion either but I would rather be angry.  I don’t have to deal with mucus or go through tissues when I am angry. In my last post had said that with each “fuel” added I have relived past emotions believing I hadn’t learned anything. However I have gone through the “stages” a lot quicker this time than in years past.  Before I had gone to bed I had convinced myself that I no longer care.  I’m not saying that’s a good thing.  But I am happy to feel this way as opposed to sobbing uncontrollably.  I also realized my poor reaction may have been due to a lack of sleep. I have been able to sleep much better when I am no longer emotionally invested.

            I believe that God experiences emotions such as joy, anger and sadness.  God is immortal.  He may cry but I don’t believe that he has to deal with mucus or tissue. I’m a mortal who has shed thousands – possibly even millions of tears.  I don’t want to cry anymore. Lots of healing to be dealt with still.  As I was writing Jenna shared two really great quotes on how I feel vs. them:

What’s motivating to you may be crippling to others – Victor Lineo.

The same boiling water that softens the potato makes the egg hard

Jenna and I had watched the movie “Big” and it felt so good to laugh. I remembered the baby corn but had forgotten about the celery he returns after licking off all the filling.  It has been a while since I had watched “Big”; I don’t know if I had laughed that hard whenever I had watched it before.

             Before “Light the World” started, Jenna wrote down what it is she wanted to do for each activity.   

For December 17 she thought it would be fun to go to McDonalds and pay for the order of the car behind us.   Jenna’s food order wasn’t ready and so they asked for Roland to pull forward – which he did.  So the payment was not anonymous.  

On Friday I was supposed to have a meeting with the RS presidency, but the meeting did not happen.  We sorted and made up food boxes and added the presents we had wrapped two days before.  After I returned home we connected with my middle son and read two stories to his two daughters

We also sang Rudolf with them and then Jenna and I sang "Happy Birthday" as I thought today was Rochelle's birthday.  I was a month early.  Oh, well.

          Yesterday Jenna decided to try her hand at once again paying for the car behind her.  She and Roland had gone to Roseburg and had stopped off at Taco Bell on their return.

 

         Instead of  going to a nursing home, Jenna decided to tie a note to a helium balloon that indicated the reader is loved and has value and encouraged the receiver her to find her on instagram – provided the receiver has instagram. Jenna released the balloon into the air last night. 

         I don’t know how far it may have gotten but suspect it’s somewhere on the ground in Oregon as it rained last night.  I hope that the message may still be readable.  

Investing Emotions and Getting Burned

             When I was younger I remember psyching myself into believing I didn’t care.  I didn’t care about boys or dating.  I didn’t care about peers or school.  I didn’t care if plans fell through.  I knew it was wrong.  I knew it was unhealthy to deprive myself of feeling any other emotion. I just knew that if I could convince myself that I believed I didn’t care it would be so much easier to handle than disappointment or rejection.  It was.  It truly was.  This heartache and turmoil is such a bunch of crap that most anybody would rather do without.  We’re told the sad/bad/hard emotions gives us strength.  Boloney!!!  Disappointment and heartache bite big time!

            When Jenna was younger we befriended a family that consisted mostly of Khonnie and her two children.  Dennis was gone for the most part driving trucks across the country.  Their children never saw the inside of a public school building as they were both home schooled.  I think her youngest was four years older than Jenna.  Oh, but they had a connection.  All of them did.  She loved them and they loved Jenna.  I thought we were good friends for a couple of years and then something happened that made Khonnie snap.

            We had been out walking and Jenna was in dire need of a nap.  Khonie's youngest wanted to play with Jenna and kept on prodding her.  I kindly asked him to leave her alone.  But he kept add it. I did not feel it my place to discipline but Khonnie was not doing anything to discourage his behavior.  Perhaps I raised my voice at him?  I don't remember. I had told the family earlier that I was taking Jenna to the aquatic museum and they could accompany us if they’d like, my treat.  But Jenna would have to take a nap first and perhaps if she had been left alone she would fall asleep.  Khonnie saw this as a threat, decided to no longer walk with us and took her children home. 

            When I cry I like to keep my emotions to myself because when I try sharing, I blubber more, I go through more Kleenex and I tend to lose huge amounts of sleep (not that I have ever had the best sleeping habits to begin with).  Khonnie evidently called Roland to tell him how mean I was and he brought home some flowers and tried to comfort me.  I felt bad that I was being comforted with a doting husband when hers was rarely even around – and I doubt that he ever doted at that.

            After that it was off again on again with her flippant behavior and attitude.  I finally had to say,

 

“Enough!  My heart can’t handle this.”

 

Roland, Jenna and I had moved to Oregon the summer of 2015 – about six to eight weeks before two of our granddaughters were born.  Both daughters-in-law seemed supportive about the move.  However once the babies came my eldest daughter-in-law turned into Sybil (a case of multi-personality for those who have not seen or read).  She unfriended me on facebook at least twice and would block me each time.  The second time she blocked herself she had also gotten a hold my son’s account and blocked him from my facebook account as well.  I went through a whole array of emotions during that entire ordeal.  What I didn’t make a connection to was her on meds  (here).  

I had never considered how drugs can have major side effects that while possibly taking care of the problem at hand may have empowerment over one's mind that isn’t controlled.  When I think about it, I have been disoriented due to lack of medication or the medication itself.  I would think that kind of rationalization might help the situation – but it doesn’t.  It still sucks to be treated with such an ill manner by someone – even if it’s not intentional. 

Not only did I feel emotionally scarred by Jeanie’s actions but had unwillingly allowed myself to relive my days with Khonnie.  The emotional stress I felt with Khonnie did not prepare me for any heart-bleeding turmoil I would feel with Jeanie.  Jeanie’s flippancy only added fuel to the fire.  I took sleeping medicine but it didn’t help. I was emotionally drained inside and out.  And I don’t want to be an emotional wreck in front of Jenna.  She is positively happy.  I don’t want this anguish I have felt to bring her down.

Seven years between the two and now (five years later) I have just experienced the latest attack.  I knew it was the meds talking.  But there were so many parallels between the latest (nice way to wrap up 2020) and Jeanie that I had gone from hurt to angry within only a couple of days.  I had gone into more detail with this initial post created on December 18, 2020 but have removed the details after three months.  I don't need to remember the details.  I need to forget.