I
don’t know why I feel compelled to post my thoughts on the temple. I certainly don’t want my opinions to seem
like desecration to what many value so dear and sacred. But I don’t have that sacred
spiritualness. For the most part
entering the temple (to me) seems discriminatory and overall (more than any
other emotion) I have felt lonely being there.
And I know I’m not alone with how I feel towards attending the
temple. I have at least two other family
members who have also gone out of obligation but have walked away with less
than satisfactory desire to return.
Recently
I filled out this survey
for LDS woman to get opinions mostly on plural marriage – which I actually
don’t have a problem with in the hereafter.
The survey also asked for feedback
with the sealing process made in the temple. I would have answered the survey questions
a lot differently just two years ago than I did this week when I took this survey. I do have a hang-up with so much that takes
place in the temple – sealings being high on the list.
Roland
and I were not allowed to marry in the temple at the time we were married civilly. Though he and wife #2 had been divorced, they
were still sealed to one another in “the eyes of the Lord”. In order for Roland and I to get sealed in
the temple, we needed a clearance from wife #2 – which she saw as leverage to
control us – well, Roland in particular.
I don’t know why she continues with membership in the Church – or why
she hasn’t been called to a disciplinary counsel. She may not admit desire for following in
Satan’s footsteps – and yet she does.
Almost as though she idolizes him.
And so it was as if our fate to be sealed in the temple was dependant on
Satan herself. That doesn’t seem fair.
Our
civil marriage was thrown together after months of postponing and changing the
date and hoping to be sealed. It was
what I’d been taught all of my life.
It’s what I was told to strive for.
And I was content with my civil marriage but somehow wouldn’t allow
myself to feel complete.
Roland
and I were able to do sealings for the dead.
I would cry each time we did them.
It didn’t seem fair that I could be sealed for others but not for
myself.
In
this earlier post I gave three reasons why I had given Jenna my maiden name,
but I left one out. When I was pregnant
with her and Roland and I were still not sealed to one another, he was told by
the bishop that Jenna was automatically sealed to him – and his first
wife. Oh, I get to carry the child for
nine months but she can’t be sealed to me?
And yet Deborah (Roland’s first wife) was taken from earth while the
boys were all young. 6, 4 and 3. Plus the unborn twin boys that were taken
when she was.
One
of the reasons I agreed to marry Roland is because he was already sealed to
Deborah and so he could obtain Celestial glory with her while I may be destined
to obtain “angelhood” in another kingdom.
Roland
and Deborah were sealed in the temple a week before she passed. I raised boys – well from the time
they were 11, 12 and 14 – so it seemed okay that she would get to raise my girl
in the hereafter. But she would still
have my family name - at least while on earth.
How
does that work anyway? The entire
sealing thing? I mean, won’t the
majority of us be adults in the hereafter?
It’s not as if we will be “raised” in the same way which we are on
earth, does it?
Our
knowledge of the hereafter is actually quite limited. We don’t know how we’re going to feel or how
it’s all going to “work out” or what we will be. Based on my earth knowledge, the Celestial
kingdom just doesn’t seem inviting to me personally. Oh, I strive for a Celestial life because
it’s been conditioned into me that that is what I want – but it really
isn’t. The very idea of creating worlds
and living in spiritual and perfect glory honestly doesn’t appeal to me. Too out of my comfort zone to maintain living
in white clothing while playing harps (so to speak). Although that’s just how heaven in perceived
by some, doesn’t mean that is how we will spend all eternity. At least I hope not. But I certainly don’t want to be cast into
hell either.
Growing
up I had always heard: “Any kingdom
below Celestial Glory might as well be hell,
because you’ll be all alone and you will always regret your decisions thinking
‘I could have made it’” Okay, I’m paraphrasing – and I had never actually heard
that from leaders but rather cocky youth who’s minds worked like mine did
because that's how we were conditioned to believe.
I don’t mean for it to sound like I resent the Church or Temple
attendance. I still have love and
respect – but I also have hang-ups. And
though I had agreed with the un-Celestial/hell thing, I don’t anymore.
Jeanie
and Biff have decided that they will be married civilly before they are
sealed. They were planning on being
sealed. They had set up a time and place
from what I understand. But guess
what? Jeanie’s first husband has a
say. They are still sealed. The clearance presents all this red tape that
is every bit as frustrating (perhaps even more so than) as it is with the
government.
I think that’s what bothers
me the most – all of the politics that have crept into the Church – leading me
to believe that the church and the temple are both run by the leadership of
imperfect men and not always by inspiration.
My
attitude now is a lot different than just a couple of years ago. If Jeanie and Biff never get married in the
temple, so be it. It’s not as though
they hadn’t tried. And I expect their
civil marriage will be far more beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen in the
temple. They are currently at the temple
right now – just not as husband and wife.
I
know that by the time Roland and I were finally sealed, it just seemed somewhat
rushed and very impersonal. And I was
not alone in feeling that way – though there were several in attendance who
thought it was the greatest thing ever.
Truthfully, I have only attended one sealing in which the officiator
really seemed to know the couple – and provided a sense of comfort that I had
not seen at any other. The ceremony was
very well attended. For some it was
standing room only. Thus in that aspect
it really wasn’t comfortable physically.
There
are some sealings I haven’t attended because of the high population of family
being smooshed into even the largest of sealing rooms. And there are many I was unable to attend
before I was of age to have my own recommend.
There is a waiting room for those who cannot go through the session with
their loved ones. Big whoop. “Here’s a place to sit and wait for your
loved one who is getting married which you can’t participate in witnessing because you
are not worthy”
I
don’t actually know if that’s how the lot of them feel, but that is sometimes
how I felt.
I
do understand the sacredness of not allowing those that would be spectators
with limited understanding who may desecrate the sacredness whether intentional
or not. But still – excluding family
seems a huge sacrifice that one may later regret in the future. And yet there
are several couples whose sacrifice have made their marriage more complete and
have provided a sense of peace and closeness.
And
for every story of resentment there are just as many (if not more) experiences of
the positive nature. One example comes
from my friends who had made arrangements to be sealed on a specific day. He had cancer and was strongly advised by the
doctor to schedule his surgery as soon as possible. First available date happened to be the same
date of the sealing.
The surgery was put
on the back burner against the doctor’s advice.
My friends said they return to the doctor’s the day after they were
sealed. When the returned, the doctor
could not find any signs of cancer. And
so I know there is a greater power behind the temple experience. I also know that there has been heartache
involved in others. Apparently I’m one
of those “others”.
There
is the joke about St. Peter showing a Protestant couple around the kingdom of
heaven. As they pass a large door St.
Peter motions for them to keep quiet.
After they pass the door (while wearing puzzled expressions) one of them
asks what is behind the door.
Peter
replies that the room houses all the Mormon folk who believe they’re the only
ones there.
How
sad it is that so many have been conditioned to believe that very thing, for
there are many outside of the LDS faith who live wholesome and Christian lives
better than many who are in the Church - as though the Mormons own the title "Church" to be spelled with a capital "C"
I
once had a religion instructor explain kingdoms and the individuals’
capacity. He compared these to vessels
of water. A Dixie cup can never hold the
same amount of water as the Pacific ocean, and yet a Dixie cup is capable of
being full. I can be full to my own
capacity and live happily in the kingdom in which many will share the same
thoughts as I.
I will not be happy
living in man’s idea of the Celestial “mold”
As I mentioned in this post, there were more of us who ended up in the
Terrestrial kingdom than the other two combined. Overall, those are the people I would like to
hang out with for all eternity.
And
as Corey and I may not be able to visit my dad (according to Mormon Doctrine –
as we believe he will be obtaining the greatest of Heavenly rewards) we are
hoping that dad will make the time to come and visit us according to where we
are (or might be) I would like to obtain
meekness to be more like my dad. I just
don’t seem to have it in me right now – though I would like to obtain that
quality. Perhaps by becoming "meek" I would have a different perspective than what I have for myself right now.
