Investing Emotions and Getting Burned

             When I was younger I remember psyching myself into believing I didn’t care.  I didn’t care about boys or dating.  I didn’t care about peers or school.  I didn’t care if plans fell through.  I knew it was wrong.  I knew it was unhealthy to deprive myself of feeling any other emotion. I just knew that if I could convince myself that I believed I didn’t care it would be so much easier to handle than disappointment or rejection.  It was.  It truly was.  This heartache and turmoil is such a bunch of crap that most anybody would rather do without.  We’re told the sad/bad/hard emotions gives us strength.  Boloney!!!  Disappointment and heartache bite big time!

            When Jenna was younger we befriended a family that consisted mostly of Khonnie and her two children.  Dennis was gone for the most part driving trucks across the country.  Their children never saw the inside of a public school building as they were both home schooled.  I think her youngest was four years older than Jenna.  Oh, but they had a connection.  All of them did.  She loved them and they loved Jenna.  I thought we were good friends for a couple of years and then something happened that made Khonnie snap.

            We had been out walking and Jenna was in dire need of a nap.  Khonie's youngest wanted to play with Jenna and kept on prodding her.  I kindly asked him to leave her alone.  But he kept add it. I did not feel it my place to discipline but Khonnie was not doing anything to discourage his behavior.  Perhaps I raised my voice at him?  I don't remember. I had told the family earlier that I was taking Jenna to the aquatic museum and they could accompany us if they’d like, my treat.  But Jenna would have to take a nap first and perhaps if she had been left alone she would fall asleep.  Khonnie saw this as a threat, decided to no longer walk with us and took her children home. 

            When I cry I like to keep my emotions to myself because when I try sharing, I blubber more, I go through more Kleenex and I tend to lose huge amounts of sleep (not that I have ever had the best sleeping habits to begin with).  Khonnie evidently called Roland to tell him how mean I was and he brought home some flowers and tried to comfort me.  I felt bad that I was being comforted with a doting husband when hers was rarely even around – and I doubt that he ever doted at that.

            After that it was off again on again with her flippant behavior and attitude.  I finally had to say,

 

“Enough!  My heart can’t handle this.”

 

Roland, Jenna and I had moved to Oregon the summer of 2015 – about six to eight weeks before two of our granddaughters were born.  Both daughters-in-law seemed supportive about the move.  However once the babies came my eldest daughter-in-law turned into Sybil (a case of multi-personality for those who have not seen or read).  She unfriended me on facebook at least twice and would block me each time.  The second time she blocked herself she had also gotten a hold my son’s account and blocked him from my facebook account as well.  I went through a whole array of emotions during that entire ordeal.  What I didn’t make a connection to was her on meds  (here).  

I had never considered how drugs can have major side effects that while possibly taking care of the problem at hand may have empowerment over one's mind that isn’t controlled.  When I think about it, I have been disoriented due to lack of medication or the medication itself.  I would think that kind of rationalization might help the situation – but it doesn’t.  It still sucks to be treated with such an ill manner by someone – even if it’s not intentional. 

Not only did I feel emotionally scarred by Jeanie’s actions but had unwillingly allowed myself to relive my days with Khonnie.  The emotional stress I felt with Khonnie did not prepare me for any heart-bleeding turmoil I would feel with Jeanie.  Jeanie’s flippancy only added fuel to the fire.  I took sleeping medicine but it didn’t help. I was emotionally drained inside and out.  And I don’t want to be an emotional wreck in front of Jenna.  She is positively happy.  I don’t want this anguish I have felt to bring her down.

Seven years between the two and now (five years later) I have just experienced the latest attack.  I knew it was the meds talking.  But there were so many parallels between the latest (nice way to wrap up 2020) and Jeanie that I had gone from hurt to angry within only a couple of days.  I had gone into more detail with this initial post created on December 18, 2020 but have removed the details after three months.  I don't need to remember the details.  I need to forget.

Deflation, Deception & Painful Reality Check

                I have been feeling overwhelmed with emotion since last Friday afternoon when Roland came outside to "let me know what's going on."     

            I didn't think I would ever see the day when Roland would be angry with Randy or not believe him.  My youngest son has always been a storyteller.  It started out as a form of entertainment, but gradually became a method of deception, and if he gets caught in the lie, will try to mask it with "Oh, I was just joking." 

            It has gotten old.

                Most everyone in the family had stopped trusting anything that came out of Randy's mouth.  Oh, he's got charm, charisma, so many likable qualities really, but also the gift of gab that's as easy to believe as a politician. He's got the same integrity as the second example found in this post.  

                I'm trying hard not to air dirty laundry on my blog, and yet it's something I feel I need to write about.  I just haven't found the right words of what I'd like to convey - perhaps even to myself. 

                As I mentioned in the last post, I'm taking two classes now, one in accounting and one in ethics.  Again they are connected to each other and may be connected to what is currently going on in my own personal life right now.

                When we initially moved to Oregon, we were still paying off a loan on an A/C unit we had purchased for the WV house along with a gas stove and a fridge.  The fridge we brought with us, but the gas stove was left behind as it doesn't seem to be a popular method in the areas we were looking at to house in Oregon.  And of course, the A/C had to stay with the house as it had become a part of it.

                We had made arrangements for Tony and Rochelle to rent from us - though Roland had mentioned to them time and time again that they could purchase the house.  They didn't wish to live in the neighborhood and I can't say that I blame them.  The neighborhood had started to go downhill while we lived there. Randy informs us that the situation is a lot worse now.

                Randy said he'd be willing to buy the house at cost, which I really wasn't crazy about.  I thought it should be sold so that we could pay off our loans.  But with Randy and Carrie moving in - even at a loss to us - I knew we wouldn't have to come up with two mortgages (one for Oregon and the WV house in Utah) each month should the house not sell right away.  I also knew that Randy and Carrie would take better care of it than we had and be able to sell it for more, which they did.

                 Before they moved in, Roland had asked Randy to send us some money on whatever they made whenever they sold the house.  Roland would have liked half but would settle for the loan amount.  He reminded Randy of this several times.  Nothing was put into writing.

                I honestly didn't think we'd see a dime, let alone thousands of dollars to pay off our loan.  I had stopped trusting Randy years ago.  Pretty much the entire family had.  Randy's actions seldom ever followed his words. He loves the sound of his own voice. He'd make big plans saying he was going to do this, he was going to be that.  They were just hollow words after a while. Yet, Roland continued to believe in him.  

                Don't get me wrong.  Randy has a lot of fine qualities.  When we went to Utah for Jeanie's funeral, I was impressed at how well he had been taking care of his brother.  It did my heart good to see him with his arm around Biff trying to comfort him.  He really does have a kind soul.  I don't guess integrity needs to be present to display acts of kindness.  

                He betrayed Roland's trust last Friday while Jenna and I were at our water fitness class.  Randy tried to convince Roland that it was he and Carrie that had helped us out by moving in so that we didn't go into foreclosure.  I don't know if he was trying to con Roland or perhaps he's just been deceiving for so long that he is actually believing his own stories.  

                One of the qualities I have always admired about both Roland and Randy is their ability to let things go and bounce back. But Roland hasn't let this go and he isn't bouncing back. I have never seen him look so deflated.  He has seemed to advance through stages and had wanted to get even. He has also been ignoring the phone every time Randy calls.  I can't believe I am the practical one who's doing the consoling and he is behaving like I had in the past.

                The money is not even the issue.  Well, not entirely. The true pain has been caused by the deception.  I don't know if he will ever trust Randy again. He hasn't earned my trust or respect.  I wish I could have the same relationship with my own children as my mom did with hers or my Aunt Fern has with hers or Sunny has with hers, but I don't.  I think I felt deflated at one time as well, but I'm over it.  It doesn't change my relationship.  I just don't dwell on it.

                But Roland is broken.  He wonders if something should happen to Jenna and me, who will take care of him.  He put too much stock in Randy and has now come to terms that none will be able to care for him when his independence gives out. 

                Before starting a discussion post for my ethics class, I had wondered what the difference is between ethics and integrity as they both sound similar in my mind. Integrity is the strength of one's character. It is a personal matter whereas ethics are based on moral values and encompasses more than one person. Ethics (or lack thereof) are determined within a company or nation or group of individuals and so the outcome is more widespread than the integrity of one individual.

                For my assignment, I had to have a scenario about a situation that relates to my field of major - which would be accounting.  Never having worked in accounting before, I made up a scenario, along with names of co-workers and job (I find it easier to refer to actual names than "my boss", "his boss", person A, person B, etc.)  I gave a description of my boss who is well-liked and seems honest.  I gave him the first name of my youngest son and used his middle name as the last name for my character.  I have turned in my assignment yesterday.

               

New Year to Finals

            It is really a sad thing to have finals right after a two week vacation.  Instead of having just one assessment or assignment - all of it is expected from here on.  Every week will be the same.  That is fine for the times I have just one class, but it seems quite challenging this particular week when I have two and have not bounced back with my mind.

            Theoretically I should be working on my assignments or posting a comment to a fellow student on discussion, but I first need to clear out my brain.  Perhaps if I brainstorm here I will have  a better understanding about what to write for my class assignment.

            We're supposed to set goals on improving our self-management.  Yesterday's daily check point had us watch a video on sleep hygiene.  Now there's my inspiration.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I KNOW I need to sleep  better to control my emotional intelligence.  I slept much better as a single person than one who is expected to share a bed.  Forget my disability to find comfort on a flat surface.  Roland and I have never been able to agree on room temperature.   If he's comfortable, I am too hot.  If I am comfortable, he is too cold.

            The air doesn't seem like it will push through the vents unless the thermostat is above 72.  There's another brilliant error design that came with our home.  The thermostat is set between the back door and kitchen and so never does get an accurate temperature of the entire house.  Duh.  Of course we never have the finances to fix or change anything.

            So last night we used a space heater that plugs directly into the wall and is not on the floor. 

   

          

The instructions are quite simple and say that the temperature goes from 60 to 90.  Who in their right mind is going to set it to 90 degrees?  I think 75 is too hot.  At the advice of a column I will reference for my assignment, on suggestion for better sleep is to keep the room cool.  I think 65 may have been a bit too cool - especially for Roland.  He was pleased to see me this morning as I usually wander into the living room during the night;  the air quality in the living room has been the right temperature for me - but the couch is a beast to sleep on.

              I don't know that either one of us really slept any better than we have been.  I usually wake between 1:30 and 2:00 because I'm hot.  My bladder woke me up at 2:30 - ah, the drawbacks of cool verses warmth.  My pipes don't leak in the warmth, but when I'm cold I've suddenly got water bursting through me.  Where does it even come from.  It's not as though I am sipping on Big Gulps during my sleep

 I've also noticed that electric heat seems drier than natural gas.  We don't even have a natural gas option in this house.  I wonder if that is what has contributed to my stomach rash.  It doesn't make sense to me, but is the only thing I can think of that is different from my normal routine - or what started out as routine anyway.

            Still searching for answers.  I do need to eat better, and that will help me sleep.  But I still need to find that perfect t temperature for both of us.

            I hadn't made the connection of exposure to light.  The article discussed getting out in the natural daylight.  There haven't been many hours of light for several days at a time.  It's been overcast, foggy, dim, kind of depressing.  The daylight effects the moods of almost all people.  All the sudden it has made sense to me.  I don't know if this post does, but I plan on posting it anyway.  Take a shower, say a prayer, get on with my day.  Hopefully I will become more alert than I am at present.

7th Day of Christmas

    

                Today’s challenge is to think about the best parts of my life while waiting in line or at a stop light.  I am done waiting in line this season.  There is one traffic light in Myrtle Creek and one in Tri-City.  I am never at either light long enough to reflect my life.  The best part of my life may be now or since we moved to Oregon because I am not so uptight.  I miss my sibs and families, but overall, I really am happier living in Oregon.

                Day four I had a problem.  I wrote a lot of detail about why.  Roland wanted to go shopping.  I don’t like shopping.  I try to remain positive.  It was a Saturday in December. He wanted to go furniture shopping.  He wanted to take Jenna with us.  The idea of shopping with both Roland and Jenna is a challenge for my emotions.  There is ALWAYS tension between them when Roland is shopping.  She really didn’t want to go and I told her she could stay home if she wanted to.  I love Jenna.  I really do, but allowing her to stay home would be preventing some of the negativity, so that counts, right?

                We’d gone to a baptism first.  I had been asked to speak about the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I printed out two talks – one with pictures for my primary student and one for me.  It was probably the best part of my day.  I think I was pleasant throughout the remainder of the day.  Whatever negative feelings were inside of me stayed there – but I don’t guess they were eliminated.

                I did well on day 5.  When I do give compliments, they really are genuine.  I gave out more compliments on day 5 than yesterday. Perhaps I should have switched the two around.  My soul purpose for leaving the house yesterday was to have the opportunity to run into others that I might fulfill complimenting three different people.  I forgot.

                On vacation from my emotional class – though I had set up a goal to write down my emotions each day.  I’d somehow forgotten about that too.  I guess my mind really did go on vacation . . . 

Attitude is Everything

          The discussion post this week is on being an effective leader.  We need to have examples about our emotional intelligence and what skills we need to improve on and how we would improve.  Roland is always coming up with ideas that I've never thought of.  I don't see myself as a leader and I knew that Roland would have some suggestions - one was my position in the family, which of course I hadn't considered.  I tried writing a few paragraphs about that - but each paragraph felt too biography and introductory and perhaps a little too horn-blowy - which is not what I wanted.  I don't know how many times I changed it before I finally turned something in.  Meanwhile I have come up with some more thoughts for a blog post.

          I remember going to a wedding reception held outdoors.  I don't even recall what time of the year, but I remember the weather was cool but not cold.  There had been a few light breezes joined by a more powerful wind.  It had knocked over the wedding cake onto the ground.  Now there are many (I'm thinking more from bridezilla's point of view) that would be upset by it - but the wedding party - for the most part just smiled and said, "Oh, well"  

          It could have been an act - but with pleasure, they can honestly laugh about it now.  It really is a healthy thing to be able to laugh about a situation rather than get angry about it.  Our family would have never gone on family vacation if we couldn't laugh at the unexpected.  What family vacation has ever gone smooth?  Our problems were always with the car or the weather, sometimes both.

          Our muffler fell off in California.  I think it was our engine that died during our trip to Canada.  There'd been heavy rain during that trip but not like we had at Universal here. 

          I remember having a rooftop cargo carrier on our station wagon.  I think it was a wind that knocked it off.  My dad, normally calm and even tempered said in frustration, "Oh, just leave it" but the rest of us somehow believed it was worth saving.  Mom had a pair of panty hose that she cut into strips and she and my brother Patrick used them to tie it down to the roof, and three of us held it down while my dad continued to drive.  We may not have seen the humor in it back then, but it is hilarious to talk about it (or think about it) today.

          And then there was the time we just coming home - though I can't remember where.  My mom was driving our little orange Honda.  The car threw a rod and she pulled over.  She chose to walk to get help and the rest of us stayed in the car.  We were fortunate as to where we broke down as we were entertained by watching hang gliders soaring through the sky.  It was awesome.  Had the car not stalled where it did, we would have not even noticed the hang gliders - though I don't think mom had the same positive experience as she chose to climb over some barb wire fencing in search of assistance. 

          There was another time when we had gone to the movies during a really cold season.  The doors had froze and wouldn't open - except for the hatchback.  We sent Corey through the hatchback and asked him if he could open the doors.  We weren't really surprised that he couldn't - I don't believe he was quite four years old at the time.  So Patrick and I (both pre-teens) also climbed in through the hatchback.  The doors wouldn't budge.  Too bad mom didn't think of giving Patrick the keys to the car to at least warm it up a little.  Mom was 8 months pregnant with Kayla.  She also climbed in through the hatchback.  What a memory. 

Too Many Words for a Discussion Post

            Yesterday I started two new classes in addition to a grant class I'm taking for the library.  The two classes I'm taking currently delve into personality.  I have a feeling my head will fill faster than my fingers will be able to keep up. I've taken intelligence quizzes before - even before I started taking classes online.  I see the growth in my answers.  The instructor made the suggestion to look at where we were ten years ago and where we are now emotionally.  This is what I've written - but feel that it's too long for the discussion.  Even if I reference myself, I don't have anything to put in APA form as a reference.  So I'm posting it here - although you may have read it all before.

            Ten years ago I walked with my three year old daughter to the school.  We took many walks around not only our neighborhood but my mom's neighborhood as well.  Jenna was enthusiastic and eager.  I loved seeing the world through her eyes.  I'd often volunteer assisting in her pre-school classroom.  I needed her. I needed her radiance.

            I did fine with her one-on-one, but was often an uptight individual around other family members.  Roland had two other girls whom he was suppose to have visitations with every other weekend.  I was tense whenever they were there - nothing against the girls themselves, but rather their psychopathic mother that made my uptightness feel as light as whipping cream.  I would cringe at the very idea of her existence.  I was happy if I just focus on Jenna but not happy overall - if that even makes any sense.

            I've been married for over 16 years now.  During that time I have lived in four different houses.  We saw the girls (occasionally) when we lived in the first house. Two of our boys had to leave whenever they came.  That wasn't right.  I was angry and I was sad.

            We moved to our second house when our two youngest were out serving missions.  The economy (along with Roland's ex) had been unkind to us.  We were there when Jenna finished kindergarten up until the 5th grade. We  would walk around the neighborhood, to the bus stop and to the school. I had encountered many sinus infections and dizziness while living in our second house.  I blamed the low ceilings. I tried to be happy but wasn't really.  All three of the boys married while we were living in our second house.

            Our third house was a rental in Oregon.  It seemed to have better ventilation than our Utah houses did - more windows, higher ceilings.  My breathing was better.  There's very little in the way of traffic here.  Don't see or hear about crime in the county as we did living in Salt Lake. Jenna and I would go for walks around the surrounding neighborhoods.  I was a much happier person than I had been in Utah. I miss my Utah family members.  There are always pros and cons.

            We are now in the forth house since being married.  I started taking online classes shortly after our last move.  Jenna is now a teenager.  We take walks around the park.  We talk about subjects that we take in school.  Still miss my family and public transportation, but overall I am in better control of my emotions - I think.  I am healthier - therefore happier (or maybe it's the other way around?) and I like who I am - which hasn't been the case for a really long time. 

            The air has been cleaner.  The weather more consistent.  I am discovering myself through many of the classes that I have been taking.  For me personally, that means more than any degree I may obtain or job I can find. 

            I believe I will have more to add as the weeks go by, but don't know how often I'll make the time to post to my blog as I should really be focusing on my classes first.  I still have to create two discussion posts (well, maybe just one and a half as I did start one yesterday, but have not completed or posted)  still trying to figure out how to connect the words I do have . . .