Deflation, Deception & Painful Reality Check

                I have been feeling overwhelmed with emotion since last Friday afternoon when Roland came outside to "let me know what's going on."     

            I didn't think I would ever see the day when Roland would be angry with Randy or not believe him.  My youngest son has always been a storyteller.  It started out as a form of entertainment, but gradually became a method of deception, and if he gets caught in the lie, will try to mask it with "Oh, I was just joking." 

            It has gotten old.

                Most everyone in the family had stopped trusting anything that came out of Randy's mouth.  Oh, he's got charm, charisma, so many likable qualities really, but also the gift of gab that's as easy to believe as a politician. He's got the same integrity as the second example found in this post.  

                I'm trying hard not to air dirty laundry on my blog, and yet it's something I feel I need to write about.  I just haven't found the right words of what I'd like to convey - perhaps even to myself. 

                As I mentioned in the last post, I'm taking two classes now, one in accounting and one in ethics.  Again they are connected to each other and may be connected to what is currently going on in my own personal life right now.

                When we initially moved to Oregon, we were still paying off a loan on an A/C unit we had purchased for the WV house along with a gas stove and a fridge.  The fridge we brought with us, but the gas stove was left behind as it doesn't seem to be a popular method in the areas we were looking at to house in Oregon.  And of course, the A/C had to stay with the house as it had become a part of it.

                We had made arrangements for Tony and Rochelle to rent from us - though Roland had mentioned to them time and time again that they could purchase the house.  They didn't wish to live in the neighborhood and I can't say that I blame them.  The neighborhood had started to go downhill while we lived there. Randy informs us that the situation is a lot worse now.

                Randy said he'd be willing to buy the house at cost, which I really wasn't crazy about.  I thought it should be sold so that we could pay off our loans.  But with Randy and Carrie moving in - even at a loss to us - I knew we wouldn't have to come up with two mortgages (one for Oregon and the WV house in Utah) each month should the house not sell right away.  I also knew that Randy and Carrie would take better care of it than we had and be able to sell it for more, which they did.

                 Before they moved in, Roland had asked Randy to send us some money on whatever they made whenever they sold the house.  Roland would have liked half but would settle for the loan amount.  He reminded Randy of this several times.  Nothing was put into writing.

                I honestly didn't think we'd see a dime, let alone thousands of dollars to pay off our loan.  I had stopped trusting Randy years ago.  Pretty much the entire family had.  Randy's actions seldom ever followed his words. He loves the sound of his own voice. He'd make big plans saying he was going to do this, he was going to be that.  They were just hollow words after a while. Yet, Roland continued to believe in him.  

                Don't get me wrong.  Randy has a lot of fine qualities.  When we went to Utah for Jeanie's funeral, I was impressed at how well he had been taking care of his brother.  It did my heart good to see him with his arm around Biff trying to comfort him.  He really does have a kind soul.  I don't guess integrity needs to be present to display acts of kindness.  

                He betrayed Roland's trust last Friday while Jenna and I were at our water fitness class.  Randy tried to convince Roland that it was he and Carrie that had helped us out by moving in so that we didn't go into foreclosure.  I don't know if he was trying to con Roland or perhaps he's just been deceiving for so long that he is actually believing his own stories.  

                One of the qualities I have always admired about both Roland and Randy is their ability to let things go and bounce back. But Roland hasn't let this go and he isn't bouncing back. I have never seen him look so deflated.  He has seemed to advance through stages and had wanted to get even. He has also been ignoring the phone every time Randy calls.  I can't believe I am the practical one who's doing the consoling and he is behaving like I had in the past.

                The money is not even the issue.  Well, not entirely. The true pain has been caused by the deception.  I don't know if he will ever trust Randy again. He hasn't earned my trust or respect.  I wish I could have the same relationship with my own children as my mom did with hers or my Aunt Fern has with hers or Sunny has with hers, but I don't.  I think I felt deflated at one time as well, but I'm over it.  It doesn't change my relationship.  I just don't dwell on it.

                But Roland is broken.  He wonders if something should happen to Jenna and me, who will take care of him.  He put too much stock in Randy and has now come to terms that none will be able to care for him when his independence gives out. 

                Before starting a discussion post for my ethics class, I had wondered what the difference is between ethics and integrity as they both sound similar in my mind. Integrity is the strength of one's character. It is a personal matter whereas ethics are based on moral values and encompasses more than one person. Ethics (or lack thereof) are determined within a company or nation or group of individuals and so the outcome is more widespread than the integrity of one individual.

                For my assignment, I had to have a scenario about a situation that relates to my field of major - which would be accounting.  Never having worked in accounting before, I made up a scenario, along with names of co-workers and job (I find it easier to refer to actual names than "my boss", "his boss", person A, person B, etc.)  I gave a description of my boss who is well-liked and seems honest.  I gave him the first name of my youngest son and used his middle name as the last name for my character.  I have turned in my assignment yesterday.

               

Philosophy and Religious Values

        I've been quite emotional for the last couple of weeks or so.  Watching "The von Trapp Family: A Life of Music" and seeing the horrors of bullying by supporters of Hitler. Crying over different stories featured in 60 minutes.  It's almost like five years worth of PMS took over.  What's up with that?

            In my philosophy class, I was supposed to take a quiz and post my results about taking the quiz.  I just now finished the assignment of what I learned about contextualism or relativism and explaining the similarities between those and virtue ethics.  Actually, I am only supposed to pick one value and one ethic.  I am really quite confused by moral values - which, by the way, are part of my religious upbringing and NOT philosophy.

            So I start off the discussion by saying that I really don't put much value into logic quizzes or emotional evaluations.  Keep in mind that I do not appreciate being analyzed and find the results of the test confusing.  I found the explanation of values even more confusing.  If I understand the definitions it seems I would fall into the category of contextualism more than relativism.  Even during the lecture I was in agreement but have not retained what it was I thought I had agreed to. So perhaps I accept either relativism or contextualism.  

"Let you give you an example and perhaps you can help me with the analyzation.

          "My mother has always expected each of her children to tell the truth.  She was a woman with a sixth sense or eyes in the back of her head or something.  She ALWAYS knew when we were lying.  Always.  The fact that we often got punished more for lying than whatever we had done wrong made us realize it would be better to just tell the truth and not bother with trying to hide it from her.  I was taught to tell the truth.  Not everybody has learned the same values I was taught.  I get that.  I can even accept that.  This next part of the post is what I'm having issues with. 

          "About ten years ago she was diagnosed with a form of dementia (she did not have Alzheimer's) and lost touch with reality - though in her mind everything she spoke was the truth.  Her children were told to "play along" and accept her reality - because really, what was the point in making her sad or angry by correcting her on something she was just going to forget in five minutes anyway.  When she was up for an evaluation, I opened the door to two strangers.  One sat with her and asked her questions while I took the other into my mom's room to show her what medications and dosages my mom was taking for various things.

          "When the two aides left, my mom got really defensive and asked why she had been interrogated.  I lied to my mom about who they were and why they had come.  [My exact words were, "Oh, those weren't your visiting teachers?" though I knew full well that they weren't] It was easier for both of us for me to do it that way.  That doesn't make it right.  The evaluation was more necessary than my telling the truth.  Still, it bothered me as I have been taught not to lie and there I was lying to the one that had taught me not to.  Is that contextualism or relativism? Does it matter?"

            Before I was more than halfway into my thoughts, I was crying about the lie and dementia and missing my mom.  I'm crying because my arm hurts as I haven't had it in a relaxed position while trying to operate the mouse.  I cry because I'm not able to have a face to face conversation with different family members like I used to. An uplifting post this is not.  Sorry about that.  But if it's of any consolation, I am feeling better than when I initially wrote this (I think it might have been Monday?)

Truth Among Bibical Deception

            I have the hardest time teaching the old testament to children - the story of Abraham's willingness to sacrifice Isaac or all the lies and deceit that took place and seem contradictory to the message I am supposed to convey.  Yesterday's lesson was on Jacob and the 12 tribes.  The last time our class met, the lesson was on Jacob and Esau.  We related the account of how Esau sold his birthright for a mess of pottage.  Rebecca dressed Jacob in goat skin in order to trick Isaac into giving him the blessing that was supposedly given in Esau's name

            It's been suggested that both parents played along as it had been revealed when Rebecca was pregnant with the two that each twin would bear nations but that the elder would serve the younger.  Perhaps Rebecca and Isaac had put on the charade for Esau's sake.  It's still deception.  Yesterday's lesson was on Jacob returning to Haran to take a wife because no maiden in Canaan was worthy of the Abrahamic line - and yet the family continued to return to Canaan.  I don't get it.

            Jacob labors seven years for Rachael but is tricked into marrying Leah instead of Rachael.  In my mind, Laban's deception toward Jacob doesn't seem any different than Jacob's toward Esau or Isaac.  It was still a part of the plan, right, that Jacob marry multiple wives and have many children?  The scriptures will have us believe that it was Leah who was the most fertile as she had more children than the other three put together.  But does Dinah even count?  There is no evidence of our having a tribe through her.

            In addition to lots of prayer, I used this summary and this video to assist my understanding, though I knew I'd be limited in what I could share with the children.  My absolute favorite quote in this movie is when Jacob finds Leah in his bed instead of Rachael and she says, "Have you never wanted something so badly that you were willing to deceive even those you love in order to get it?"  Duh, Jacob.  

            I know it's just speculation, much interpretaion is - how can one really look at the Bible (either old or new testament) and think it complete?  Perhaps the details aren't important, but it would certainly help me to have more of them.  In the TNT production, it shows that Laban and his family use deception for gain - not so much because it is tradition to marry off the eldest girl first, but because "Whatever Jacob touches, flourishes".  Laban did not wish to lose that and thus continued to lie to Jacob until finally Jacob and the others snuck away when Laban and his servants were unable to see.

            And what makes one a servant anyway?  A population is just born into being?  I don't relate to their customs at all.  With Laban's daughter's getting married, he gives each a gift - a handmaiden.  My gift to you is a person?  This person is going to come in handy when you learn that you won't be able to bear children after your own sister has had four and three more after that?

            My lesson that it is wrong to lie or to break a promise.  I wholeheartedly agree.  It is wrong!  It was wrong for Laban to do it and I think it was equally just as wrong for Rebecca to do it.  But it's just.  It was part of the plan.  But why is it just for her and Jacob and not Laban since Laban's deception also fulfilled a necessary part of the plan - not that I condone plural marriage either nor do I understand why Jacob was able to father with others if he wants us to believe that he was so devoted to Rachael?

            Of course I hadn't planned on mentioning any more than the lineage.  I printed two for the class to look at and ended up talking more about personal genealogy rather than Abraham and Jacob's.  Thomas and Carli listen better when their hands are busy and so I don't always know they are listening, but was actually impressed at how much each of them retained and contributed.  

            Three more lessons about Joseph and Moses after that. I am so grateful to live in a time with easy access to the scriptures and words of the prophets and paved roads and many methods of transportation and choices of footwear, written communication and photographs.  Those old testament people always seem so lost and often out of touch - and incomplete.