52% Feeling

 

I think in many cases the “personality” quizzes are geared towards job/career and not so much “personal” life.  But I seldom ever take a quiz with a job in mind, let alone a career.  Why not just make a career out of uplifting others?  Even if it means one doesn’t get paid.  Money isn’t everything.  Nor does it necessarily equal success.  Not in my book anyway.

There have been many times I have passed up opportunities or advance in promotion when I know that someone else can benefit.  I think putting another’s happiness before my own can make me equally as happy if not more than if I allowed myself to take the reigns. 

One example that comes to mind is when a friend and I had joined a bowling team.  One of the members was a single guy who seemed to be interested in both of us, and I knew she liked him.  I could have gone out with him but thought she might do better in his company.  They were married and as far as I know are still together. 

I do tend to allow my emotions to get the better (or worst?) of me – especially when finances are involved.  I don’t think I’m nearly as sentimental as I used to be – still I do miss items based on sentimentality and not so much financial worth.  I will generally follow my heart over more head – or at least wish that I would.  When I go by my head it generally has a negative effect.

I used to be impatient with others for not understanding my point of view but have gone from tolerance to an almost compassionate state.  I didn’t think I would ever say or feel this, but I know that having Biff and Clair here has been really good for me.  They are different people who think different thoughts, experience different emotions and will never change to my way of thinking or how I feel. 

The diversity in our household right now is less than ideal but somehow has created a sense of peace and acceptance.  Be lying if I said I was totally happy with the situation.  I would still like my own space but have come to realize that they are more important.

Richard will often turn the TV on to Maury or some other related show where people argue in front of the camera.  I don’t enjoy watching people argue or take pleasure in other’s misery.  It isn’t funny.  It’s sad and pathetic.  I don’t support that kind of behavior.  And yet there are many in the nation who thrive on it.  The disrespect between others boost ratings.  Violence is fun to watch.  I don’t get it.  It either upsets or disgusts me. 

I do tend to allow my emotions to control me more than I control them, but I am learning.  I hope that through the experiences that I am currently experiencing that I have become a better person than I was last week or last month – surely I am a better person than I was a year ago.

I tend to let the weather control my mood also.  I don’t know how to change that one.

Golden Dox

               This morning I took Bonnie for a longer walk than usual – or rather she walked me.  I don’t know why she thinks she has to move at freeway speed.  I know it isn’t comfortable for her to have her collar choking her as I am leaning against the leash trying to slow her down.  She never learns.  For the most part she has pulled either me or Jenna along. 

          I don’t know what triggered my memory of Houdini or entering him in the pet contest at Cinco de Mayo celebration that Kearns does every year – or at least each year we had lived there.  We had this hairy dog who loved his boys and would often “escape” to look for them – sometimes ending up at the elementary school or pound. 

          There were several categories in which we could have entered Houdini.  He would have blown all other dogs out of the water if we had remembered his toys.  Houdini could catch darts in his mouth, bounce a basketball off his nose, and of course, fetch.  Since we didn’t have a ball or other object to use we had entered him in “The most fluffy” category.  I think he took second.

          There had been a category for most “unique” or something to that effect.  A little girl had entered her dog as not many people have ever seen anything like it.  I know I hadn’t.  I wouldn’t consider it ugly necessarily but certainly not beautiful - as a whole.  His head was beautiful.  It just didn't seem to match his body - at all. His head was that of a golden retriever while his body was that of a dachshund – as though Dr. Frankenstien had sewn the two together.  The oddest part was that his head seemed to be the same exact size as the rest of his body. 

          It didn’t matter how oddly shaped he was or that he wasn’t the most sought after pet among all that were there, the little girl loved him unconditionally.  He was her friend.  It didn’t matter if others thought he looked flawed.  In her eyes he was beautiful and she was overly grateful to have him in her life.

          It reminds me of a talk I heard at sacrament.  Given by Brother Brown.  We have several Brother Browns in our ward.  Each seem to shed a stream of tears before he even make it to the pulpit.  He talked about a statue he’d seen recently – someone’s interpretation of how Jesus must have looked after he had been lifted off the cross.  Bro. Brown said the image was of one who had been weakened and appeared to be in despair – not at all beautiful.  Not someone others would follow. 

          As he stood and gazed at the statue and allowed emotions to take over, he thought about unconditional love and what it means.  We need to love others regardless of their backgrounds or misshapen pasts.  We need to love others we may not agree with.  We must love them regardless of the choices they make.  It was a really good meeting.  I wish I had that kind of love, but I know that I don’t.  It is something that I need to work on.

Crash Course: Where Love Is

         The smoke must have cleared out as I was able to see stars above the skylight.  I hope it may remain behind the hills or better yet disappear all together.  Bless the many fire fighters who are battling the flames.

        A funeral was held yesterday at the church.  The second I've attended in person rather than virtually since the pandemic made its way to the US.  As with the last funeral, the service did not take place until after the body had been buried - or in yesterday's case, cremated.

        Jenna had been asked to sing with her friend, Heather.  They performed two songs: "I am a Child of God" and "Where Love is".  I remember them learning the latter in primary after Jenna had already graduated to Young Women's.  It is one of my favorite primary songs and it makes me feel bad that I somehow missed out on teaching or singing it to Jenna.

        She took it upon herself to find a recording that neither one of us particularly enjoyed.  She learned it and practiced with Heather for the first time yesterday morning before the funeral started.  There was no emotional attachment and they were able to sing both songs in their entirety without stirred feelings.  They did a really great job.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/where-love-is

        

Letting Go

 I was not on facebook at all on December 31 or January 2.  It was nice.  So many times I have considered removing myself from being connected but there are aspects I enjoy such as “Come Follow Me” and keeping connected with the ward relief society and different community pages.  More pluses than negatives if I will allow myself to look at it that way.

The only reason I had turned on my computer yesterday was because Roland wanted to send Randy a card for his birthday – which is tomorrow and will not get to him in time if we were to mail it out.  If my computer is opened I will open the internet and dabble.  Last night I saw a notification from a member in the ward who I have bonded with in some ways but do not always choose to read her posts and wish I would have gone with my first impulse NOT to click on the notification but ignore – but it was Sunday and she often does share inspirational messages.  No, last night was a question and answer about Trump being able to stay in office.  I don’t know how many people agreed with her but did recognize a few names. 

My first thought was: “Get over it!  Trump lost a long time ago.  Are we seriously going to do away with democracy so an overgrown bully can get his way?” I wonder how many would demand recounts and overpost a victory gone wrong had the tables been turned.  There's been so much bantering the entire year of 2020.  Can't we start the new year off NOT?!?

I was wondering what reference I could use from the scriptures or general conference talks – that’s what we do, right?  Those who were slaveholders used scriptures to prove how God supports slavery while those against slavery used the same set of scriptures to disprove their belief.

I heard the still small voice telling me to

“Let it Go”. 

I decided to listen.

Still I needed something that would bring peace to my own mind.  I looked up “peace” and started into different passages but not satisfied.  I remembered I had meant to look up the lyrics of Micheal McLean’s “I Cry the Day I Take the Tree Down” (here) from the from The Forgotten Christmas Carols.

I had gone into the other room where Roland was finishing up another episode of Stargate and asked if we could watch The Forgotten Christmas Carols on YouTube.  I loved this production made available in November of 2020 though filmed in 2008.  It brought me peace. 

 This year’s Come Follow Me program focuses on the Doctrine and Covenants and I read scriptures from various weeks and found the Lord lovingly chastising me as many of the words spoke to me directly – which is a good thing.  That’s how I need to read them.

Unlike the other standard works, the Doctrine and Covenants themselves do not tell a story but are a collection of revelations.  Behind each revelation is a story and the website offers references that connect and I am awed by how quickly each reference is available at the click of a button – something that our forefathers could not have imagined.

The revelations had been compiled in a book called “The Book of Commandments” but was not made available to the saints as they are today.  Those who were sent on missions were allowed to copy some revelations to carry in their pockets and possibly exchange if they met up with another who also carried scriptures that way. 

I have learned a lot already and hope to continue in the Spirit guiding me and shed the anger of darkness.

For more information see the Come Follow Me programs found here, here and here.

 

 

 

Defunding Police and Missionary Work

             I wish I had taken the time to record my thoughts and try to transcribe them instead of the pathetic attempt to post the following: 

          Jenna has an assignment due today.  She asked if I could bounce around some ideas in order to help her.  The topic is “Defunding the Police – Why or Why Not?” Her thoughts mirrored my own when the subject started making its way around facebook.

          “Why would we defund the police?  That is so wrong.  It’s their job to serve and protect us.  Why would we want to take that away?”

          I obviously had not understood why so many seemed to support it until I saw this political cartoon 

this was shared on facebook.  Unfortunately I am
 unable to cite its orginal source but would like to know

Defunding the police is not the same as abolishing. 

          Have you ever watched “Little House on the Prairie” or westerns in which there is only one doctor in town.  A jack of all trades one might say.  His job was to cure whatever ailed the citizens whether it be a common cold, the fever, skin rashes, bullet wounds, delivering babies . . . a doctor was expected to know it all and cater to all regardless of age.  And though many doctors may have known a little about so much of what was required or expected the doctor did not everything. 

          Today we have gynecologists, pediatricians, Ophthalmologists, podiatrists, Dermatologists, cardiologists . . . the list goes on and on.  Each doctor specializes in a certain field.  I think it is better to have multiple doctors that cater to something specific than just one who tries to do it all. I think it is the same with the police.  Many signed up with a specific goal in mind without having been trained for every aspect one might associate with police work.  We need to spread the funds each to whatever specialty is required.

          We have opinions on why we should defund the police or why we should not defund the police. I was most curious about how the police themselves felt about it. I do have friends in the law enforcement and would like to support them. I watched this video chat with Lee Adams from Vice (here) in which he addresses eight different law enforcement officers from across the nation. 

Even among those that are in law enforcement there are still conflicting ideas about why or why not reallocate the taxpayers money. Though they agree on some things there are still other items in which their opinions vary.

         I had been asked to attend a missionary training meeting in Roseburg last night. I attended the meeting virtually.  As the meeting progressed my mind reflected upon how to best utilize each member of the community. I made a silent comparison with Jenna’s assignment and the leadership training that was being suggested – discussions I had already had as a missionary and a ward mission leader. 

Two videos were shown – both which I had seen before.  The focus is on ward involvement.  The story unfolds as a man (I think his name is Juan) loses his job and doesn’t know how he will tell his wife.  On the same day he meets with the missionaries.  They start teaching him and his life is changed.  He introduces the gospel to his wife, Julia.  We are asked how we as a ward will be able to include them into our fold.

          Juan is computer savvy and is introduced to someone in the church who is not.  The missionaries ask Juan to utilize his talents to assist ward members – an act of service.  How can we, in return, help Juan. Introduce him to someone who can relate.  Same with the Relief Society and Julia (Juan’s wife).  When we are in ward correlation or missionary meetings how can we involve each organization?  Who would be a good fit?  I get that.  I understood that as a missionary. 

             I was happy about my decision to attend virtually rather than in person as Roland (who hasn’t felt well) would have had to drive me as I cannot see at night. I can’t say that I learned anything new. I was disappointed that today’s situation had not been addressed as we now have to reach out to others in more creative ways than handshakes and personal introductions.  We have to respect one another’s boundaries by wearing masks and keeping our distance – which for me does not give off good vibes of welcoming. I know I can contact others over the phone or through social media if I have that information – which I don’t.

             It’s almost as though we are dehumanized with the mask and staying six feet apart – although I support the outline given.  I just find it hard to reach out when I don’t feel a foundation of the initial start.  I miss connecting with members – let alone those who are not.  Hopefully they can feel the Spirit through the meetings themselves and may understand that human contact will come – we just don’t know when.

Virtual Hugs Just Don’t Cut It

         It was the third week of Church for the ward I’m in.  My sister Kayla said her ward had returned last month – or possibly in July.  She said that the members will attend every other week in order to allow social distancing.  I think that’s great that there are that many in attendance as the last time I had gone to her ward the attendance seemed even less than what this ward has been – a lot of empty pews and much social distancing – even before it was a thing.

         Wearing a mask can be bothersome, but it’s not a tremendous sacrifice on my part nor am I too proud to wear one.  I appreciate surgeons and dentists wearing masks, all the frontline workers required to wear a mask all day.  Surely if they can do it for 4 – 10 hour shifts, a few minutes to a few hours shouldn’t be a big deal for me.  The mask is not the problem.  It’s not being able to connect in the way that we did pre-COVID.  It’s a learning curve, I suppose.  Finding things that we may have been unaware of or had taken for granted.  I want to be to be fed but also assist in feeding  - which I do not.  It feels lonely like I am observing through plated glass and cannot break my way through.  But it isn’t meant for me to break through and I’m just having a hard time accepting it.

         We did have a testimony meeting today which was nice.  I enjoy hearing from those in the congregation – especially as it has been almost seven months since our last testimony meeting.  Most talked about having opportunities and finding peace within the turmoil or stopping to appreciate what strengths were learned from the trials that we’ve had.

         One sister came up to me after the meeting.  The sparkle in my eye was obviously not there and she was concerned.  I just don’t care for the distance that’s been created.  I had smiled a couple of times during the meeting.  Apparently it hadn’t reached or remained in my eyes.  I did pray that I would be spiritually fed and to a degree I was but still left feeling hungry as I had two weeks prior.  As of now I think Jenna and I will do just every other week.

         I’m supposed to meet with the missionaries which I guess is every other Wednesday prior to or right after the Book of Mormon class. Jenna had been attending with the secretary for the Young Women’s.  But YW is now the same day as Book of Mormon.  It used to be the same day as Relief Society but we no longer have activities and will meet once a month for lessons.  It will in mornings so our older sisters can participate.  Many cannot see to drive in the darkness. I can’t see to drive in the dark. 

        I look forward to General Conference next week and hope my heart is more open than it has been.  I have been so wrapped up in emotions toward the direction the country has gone.  I struggle with thoughts I had when I had learned about this revelation in primary now turned into a reality that I’m really not happy to be a part of. 

    When Jesus spoke in parables those who had the spirit with them were able to find the message that spoke to them.  The Pharisees, so set in their ways, did not recognize truth.  I am overwhelmed by how many Pharisees I encounter today.  I am shocked and I am saddened and have come to learn that I really don't know these people.  I pray that the members may be blessed as they prepare to vote in the elections that they will be open to whatever direction that God may lead us and may we always rely on him.

The Stupid Emotion Called Love

          When Jenna and I were both in middle school, we would roll our eyes over the dramatics of “couples” displaying affection and expressing emotion only to break up and express drama.  Gag.  Both of us were determined not to experience the stupid emotions ourselves – at least not in school.  Not middle school.  Not high school.  She had plans of “not ever”.  I succeeded with keeping my emotions in tact all through high school.  No love interests.  No broken hearts.  She, on the other hand, has had two "shedding tears" experiences.

          She and Nathan were friends, but he was starting to like her as more than a friend and told her so.  Things would have been perfectly fine if he hadn’t said anything.  They would have remained just friends and no stupid emotions would have entered the picture.  It was nerve racking in a way.  Why would he do that?  Why would he mess up a good friendship for something gross?  She was mortified in one way but yet flattered in the other.  She had barely turned 15 and did not want to commit to a relationship, but she did like Nathan.  Perhaps they could just hold hands and work up to something more after she had turned 16.  But that was quite a wait.

          Neither one of them wanted to call their first date a “date”.  It was just two people hanging out.  Yet it felt awkward for each of them as they knew there was the "more than just friends” label hanging over them.  Nathan broke it off just after the school let out for summer vacation.  It would have been fine if he had never said anything in the first place.  Jenna had not even wanted a relationship in the first place – and yet she became attached.  He had put thought into their “breaking up”.  He wanted to respect her religion.  He is a senior this year and she is a sophomore.  It isn’t like the relationship was going to last anyway.  But still it hurt.  It had been his idea and then he said he didn’t want to see her that way.  He should have just kept it all to himself to begin with and then she wouldn’t have felt the pain.  Stupid Love.

          I never understood this song until the “break-up” happened.  I felt bad.  I didn’t know what to do.  They go to the same school though she did not have any classes with him.  She and her friend still continue with a class that they had with Nathan last year – but he was not in the class anymore.  Not many guys were.  There is one they teased and were playing with his hair and another boy, Chris, asked why they weren’t playing with his hair.  So Jenna started playing with his hair.  They became fast friends.  They held hands in the hall – which according to high school terms qualifies as “dating”.  I don’t know that there was any “love” there.  Jenna and Chris had very little in common.

          They went to a school dance.  He came over for Thanksgiving.  They exchanged gifts at Christmas and Valentine’s Day.  Jenna got tired of participating in high school activities that he was obviously not interested in.  After Valentine’s she broke off things with Chris.  Ironically there had been more tears over Chris than there were for Nathan – whom she may not have shared much in common with either.  For one thing Jenna LOVES water.  Always has.  And Nathan is deathly afraid. 

          Chris did not react well to the “break-up”. Jenna is afraid that she has lost him as a friend and wishes she wouldn’t have said anything.  At the same time she didn’t wish to string him along.  It was quite obvious to me that they weren’t going anywhere.  I like both Chris and Nathan.  I hate the “heartbreak” thing.  I wish I was better at dealing with it.  When Jenna hurts, I hurt.  I hate the stupid emotions connected with Love.

New Year’s Eve and 2020

         I had always believed that New Year’s Day was for taking down the Christmas decorations and putting them away as that is the day my mom had always done that.  I had tried carrying it over to the family I am with right now.  Sometimes it works, but not always.  Roland always seems anxious to take it down right after Christmas.

         

          We did not wait until New Year’s for the outside decorations but removed the lights and ornaments, electric cords and so forth from the yard.  We started at 10:00 Tuesday morning before the fog had completely lifted.  Roland announced that it was going to rain.  He was right.  It poured.  I can’t remember what time it started pouring, but it was still light outside.  I don’t think the pouring stopped until after midnight.

          Roland wanted to play Monopoly and asked if I would like to be banker, but I really didn’t.  So he was banker and the rules were very different than they had been the last time we played.  Every time (both last time and this time) Jenna tries to play fair, it ends up biting her.  I don’t think it was so much the game itself, but making future comparisons of things that will take place in her life.  She is not ready (not willing) to grow up.  She was crying while I was thinking – “That’s tradition.”  Ever since I was a child I remember New Year's Eve somebody was always either physically sick or emotionally stressed – sometimes both.  But I’ve never seen it with this family – except for many Thanksgivings Jenna has been sick, but not since we’ve lived in Oregon – at least I don’t think.  She’s such a trooper.

          The youth had scheduled a dance that she had planned on going to until the day before.  She said she’d much rather stay home and play games with us.  After her meltdown, I figured she wouldn’t have gone to the dance anyway and wondered if she would want to play games.  But Jenna does bounce back and radiates a very positive attitude.

          We had three guests come over for light snacks and games.  Rita was the first to show.  We started to play the game Imagine-If having taken three turns each when Mary and Kassy arrived.  We stopped our game of Imagine-If and moved onto another so that Mary and Kassy could join us even though Mary said we didn’t have to. 

          She started preparing some food they had brought with them and Kassy sat at the table, arms crossed and expression that told me she had been dragged to the “party” against her will and would rather die than engage in any kind of celebration. We started game number two without Kassy but Mary did join in after a while.  We played “Hear Me Out” which Mary didn’t seem to fully understand as she would read the player's answers and make comments so that there was no secret about who wrote each answer.  When there was a tie, we asked Kassy to be the tie-breaker.

We did manage to get a smile and more participation from Kassy when Jenna and Rita took a break and started doing “the fork in the garbage disposal” dance.  All six of us played a round of Uno. Mary was tired and groggy and finally took a nap on our couch. I think we may have played another game of Uno without her and then Kassy decided she no longer wanted to play.  We put her on the other couch and gave her the remote control.  The rest of us continued to play “Catch Phrase” and pitted Roland and Rita against Jenna and me.  We laughed so hard.  After a while, we traded partners and quit keeping score.

After midnight Jenna went with Roland who took Rita home.  He said to just leave Mary and Kassy on the couch and they could sleep there, but Kassy was insistent that Mary wake up as they had other things on their agenda.  The wee hours of New Year’s Day in Myrtle Creek?  What was her hurry to get out of our house?  Perhaps she needed to get home to her dog.  I’ll bet that’s what it was.

They left shortly after Jenna and Roland returned.  We went to bed and took the indoor decorations down at 10:00 in the morning.  I thought we’d play games but went back to our boring routine of each of us just doing our own thing.  It was a quiet and boring day overall.

I feel like I did pretty well posting dashes last year, but my bi-weekly word rarely ever came out as I had intended.  They aren’t on the agenda for this year.  I figure most of what I have posted has been dash worthy – just not numbered as such.  My goal for this year is to allow Roland the pleasure of savoring his shopping and to not complain about the wait.

Love is a Wrench

She became aware of boy/girl relationships during middle school.  She thought they were stupid.  All the emotions.  All of the game playing.  All of the drama.  The entire idea of relationships was stupid.  They did not appeal to her and she was fine and secure on her own.  She remained that way throughout middle school and her freshman year.

Then came summer.

They were friends.  There were generally four of them who hung around one another during lunch.  Not necessarily to eat, but to play games and enjoy one another’s company.

He really liked her.  First as a friend.  Then maybe something more.  Not too much more.  He had been in a relationship before.  He did not need another.  And yet he found her to be adorable.  He liked holding her hand and leaning on her.  What’s more, he enjoyed it when she leaned on him.

He told her that he would not date her.  Or at least he would not be the one to ask her out.  But he might say yes if she asked him.

Awkward!

With the ball in her court, she did not know what to do.  She liked him as a friend.  Perhaps something more.  She enjoyed holding hands. She liked having his arm around her.  But they were just friends.  She did not wish to become involved in a relationship that would cause emotions and possible drama.  Yet she knew that she too had already developed feelings beyond friendship.  

She did not particularly wish to date him.  But she did wish to continue hanging out.  Why do relationships and emotions have to be so complicated?  It was barely the beginning of summer.  It was not as if they were an item or anything.  But perhaps they could be.

He thought that she was indecisive.  She was.  She had never been involved in a relationship beyond friends.  Nor did she particularly want to be.  She enjoyed being friends.  She also enjoyed holding hands.  She had also found that she somehow enjoyed the idea that he liked her more than just a friend because she had too. But she looked at the new emotions as a wrench being cast into the relationship.  Why complicate things?

Thus they started their summer together . . . as friends . . . perhaps a little bit more.  But not too much more.  Oh, why these stupid emotions?

            I like how Nancy Drew said: “Can you tell when a girl looks at you and is thinking how much she likes you and is wondering if you like her and thinking how important it is for you to say how you feel before she says anything more about how she feels about you or anyone else they might be jealous of because she's already said how she feels how she's said in her own way?”(2007 Movie) 

           I remember when Biff was hanging out with Paula.  They may have held hands at one time or another.  They may have kissed during the first five years but for the most part, their friendship was platonic.  They were friends.  She came to his wedding when Biff and Jeanie were married.  She also attended Jeanie’s funeral.  They keep in touch through facebook.  Still friends but definitely not intimate.  Right now he is with Claire.

“Love is the feeling you feel when you are feeling the feeling that you have never felt before” – unknown

It is great when both parties involved feel the same way about one another.  At the same time, it is nerve racking when feelings develop beyond friendship.  Love is stronger than like.  Love means more than “really really like”.  Love involves commitment.  Who needs that?

Stupid emotions.  Complicated relationships.  Blech!

Too Much or Not Enough

I find it interesting that the topic of my last class focused on Medicare and social security.  The topic of my current class has been the brain, stress and this week’s topic on sleep disorders – which I have had my entire life.  Thus I’m making discoveries.  I am also getting the feeling that I need to put my affairs in order and start throwing away mountains of stuff so that Roland and Jenna won’t have to do it in the event I leave this earth.

          I’m not saying that death is around the corner.  It just feels like it in some ways.  Perhaps it’s just the side effects of still trying to heal from bronchitis and still coughing and not breathing right.  I was told at the doctor’s office that my breathing was off.  I don’t think it’s the bronchitis that’s to blame.  My breathing has always been off.  I think more off as I age.  My pipes are small and seem to shrink with each passing year.  No, I don’t have anything to back that up.  Just theory.

          I’ve been reading past memories of mom and dad and their good health somehow shattered.  Dad’s was physical and mom’s was mental.  I think I have a little bit of each going for me right now.  My sleep patterns are horrible.  But they have always been horrible.  Mom said after she gave birth to me, I was always asleep when I was in the hospital.  She said she never saw me awake until she got me home.  I was her first child.  She didn’t know what to expect but thought I ought to be sleeping more than I did.  She said it was as though I had slept in the hospital enough to get me through the next five years. 

          Patrick was the opposite.  He slept the normal hours a baby should.  Mom said he had weird breathing patterns though – or maybe it was just paranoia on her part.  After all, she had dealt with a non-sleeping child for two years before Patrick came along and slept beautifully, but she would have a hard time falling asleep because she wasn’t used to a sleeping baby and would place her hand on top of him to make sure he was still breathing.

         

          I don’t know when I started sleeping in an upright position.  I do sleep better than when I am trying to lay flat.  I still snore though, but perhaps not as loudly.  I don’t know if anyone else in my family snores.  It’s a wonder that any of my family were able to sleep with me in the house.  Though I’ve never heard myself, I understand that I am loud.

          For the most part, whenever I have drifted off in a recliner, I will wake up in the same position in which I fell asleep.  If I try sleeping in bed, I am all over the place along with the sheets and whatever other bedding started out near me.  I rarely ever have blankets on.  Sometimes I may use just one.  But I am usually too hot.

          My feet and ears get cold and I will wear slippers and sometimes a hat or headband.  I usually remove the headwear long before I wake up. 

          This week, as part of my assignment, I am supposed to turn in a sleep schedule which I have yet to create and stick with.  Especially since the bronchitis and antibiotics and cough and phlegm.  I get worn out so easily.  A trip to the mailbox does me in.  I have taken more naps in the last two weeks than I have ever taken in my entire life.  Perhaps it’s wrong to call them naps as I often sleep longer than I do through the night.

          I think the weather may upset my sleeping also.  And I don’t think it would matter where in the country or probably even the entire planet right now.  The weather has been experiencing some violent mood swings.  I like the weather right now.  I want to be a part of it.  I want it to stay where it is.  I don’t want it to warm up again.

Will You Hand Me Some Tissues, Please?

                This is my third week taking my class called “Sociology of Ageism”.  It’s been an interesting class, but I have been on an emotional roller coaster with the topics this week.  Our discussion is on assisted living and long term health care and thus I’ve been reminiscing on what health care I would have liked for my mom versus what was settled for due to the expense.

                I was in tears during the lecture as more triggers reintroduced me to some painful times during my mother’s final years and how it affected each family member not only with my mom but with one another.  Whenever my instructor asked a question, I would provide an answer in lengthy detail to share the gist of what was felt – but not everything I felt.  It wasn’t until after class that I posted a second discussion for any who happen to watch the recording.  I shared three blog post links with explanations. 

The first one that I shared was the very first post my niece had written for her blog.  She explains how she and her husband (a newlywed couple) moved in with my mom and the trials they endured.  I share a post my brother had created about the tension that had been created among my mom’s caregivers (that would be her children and grandchildren) though it is a lengthy post which I forewarned the class about.  I also threw in one of my own just to add some humor.  Three different links: sweet, depressing and perhaps a quick smile.

I am now working on my assignment for financial resources for the elderly.  We are supposed to focus on Medicare as part of the assignment.  I am learning some things but I have not been able to keep my emotions out of it for the most part.  Next week will be the last week of this class.  The time has flown.

I NEED TO SLEEP!

          Before I had a chance to sit down after I arrived in the chapel yesterday, a sweet sister came up to me and put her arm around me and asked if there was/is something wrong.  She is one of the very few people who saw me the week prior.  She had seen me on the stand along with the primary.  Many others hadn't noticed me.  Those who sit directly in front of or to the left side of the pulpit may not have noticed the primary as a whole.  We are out of view even when we're standing unless it is at the pulpit.

          I have been rather melancholy this entire month.  I didn't know why but have since figured it out.  While I truly love this sister, we really don't have that intimate of a connection.  I've seen her outside of the church on occasion, but for the most part I know that our contact is only two or three times a month at best.  She said she was concerned that the "spark" had gone out of me and didn't wish to see it lost. 

          Jenna has also asked me off and on what was wrong.  I find it interesting that the only two who have said anything are one who is closest to me and one who has been watching from a distance.  From that far back, how can you even see the facial expression of one on the stage seated behind her class in order to prompt them?

          I told her I hadn't felt well that week - which was the truth.  I had left right after the primary program.  I was a bit frustrated because for once in my life I not only liked all of the songs but actually knew the words to most of the songs and was unable to participate due to a dry throat.  And then as mentioned in this post cried during the last three.  

          I have been doing a lot of crying - over stupid things really.  I've never been a speed demon with processing information, but have seemed to have gotten slower at it.  Like when the RS brought me the poinsettia - I should just have told them that I'm allergic.  They would understand, but I kept it hidden.  That is a small example, but my reflexes have seemed to slow down even more.  I forget words and thoughts whenever I am interrupted and get irate with whoever interrupted.  There's situations that will remind me of my mom.  I've thought a lot about her and so I've been crying about that.

         

          When fictional characters have made bad choices I've cried and have scolded myself because it isn't even real and crying about fairytale characters is stupid.  I guess it's because sometimes I relate them to real life people who are facing their own battles and struggles or are victims of senseless crimes and cannot seem to help whatever situation they are in. 

          I feel like I'm aging and not only is my mind disconnected in thoughts, my body parts are screaming at me as well.  I think my right leg is shrinking.  I have already started stuffing my right shoe with insoles, but now it feels like I need more lift.  I can't afford to buy two pairs of shoes in two different sizes so I can stuff one and not have the other slip off my foot.

          I still have a poor attitude toward primary overall.  Next year we'll have three kids in the valiant class.  No sunbeam class.  They want to keep all four instructors.  It may not be so bad as the program will be a new one for everybody.  I haven't been graceful about accepting many changes.

          As I continued to add puzzle pieces to my list of things that may have contributed  to my gloomy state of mind, I realize that all of them (or at least most of them) are connected by a lack of sleep.  I am so damn tired and find it hard to sleep.  I can't figure out why.  I have seen enough accounting videos to knock me in a coma for a lifetime.  And yet, I don't think I have been able to sleep through the night all month long.

          Roland likes the room to be 90 degrees (okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration.  But he does like it hotter than comfortably warm) I have to have the temperature below 70 if I want to be comfortable.  I can't sleep in the bed because the ability to raise it to a propped up position is gone.  The foot/leg part of the recliner is shorter than I am and so my feet hang over.  I just can't seem to sleep - even with the accounting videos.  Like I want to be focusing on that.  It's Christmas.  I want to be uplifted.  Accounting does NOT uplift.

          Oh, and on top of my instructor reading the PowerPoint word for word here  his comments are the same for everything turned in.  "You met the assignment/discussion requirement." No other feedback whatsoever.  At least it was graded before the middle of the following week so that was nice.  I just tried taking a nap which did not work out to my expectations.  I will try again.