I Am an Oddball

                During the course of our blogs, my brother and I have both mentioned how our growing up years may have seemed idealistic – how our share of problems pale in comparison to countless others.  I don’t relate to dysfunctional families and am highly grateful for that.  As I looked around the room during Relief Society yesterday I noticed each one of the sisters (or most of them) had been a part of a dysfunctional family either in childhood or parenthood – sometimes both I felt a sense of sadness.  I don’t/didn’t wish to appear like I was boasting with my “unexpected answer to prayer” example compared to great struggles and hardships of others. 

       I am GRATEFUL to be an oddball.  The closest I have come to experiencing the dysfunctional thing has been on the outside seeing a glimpse of Biff’s challenges and his in-laws.  I hadn’t thought of them as dysfunctional but there are some definite issues there.  But we all have challenges.  Mine have always been financial – a worldly matter. At least that is how I’d like to view it.  I have had great respect for my parents and sibs – especially with age.  I don’t know that I receive the same respect from my boys as I gave my own parents – but they came with baggage.  All three have some form of ADD or ADHD and often (or perhaps always) offhand behavior displayed (if any) is not their fault. 

      I believe that Jaime and I have the same kind of relationship as I had with my mom.  My mom was a great friend and nurturer to all four of her children.  We all seem to have married well and have carried the torch into our families – or tried to.  One brother has four children in the same order as me and my sibs.  My sister has a girl and two boys.  My other brother has cats who are loved every much as the biological children of the other two.

     Two of us have married spouses who don’t necessarily come from dysfunctional families but have in-laws with dysfunctional issues – unglued for whatever reason.  We pray for them that their hearts will be softened – that they may return to a life without so many complications. I’ve met all of Richard’s sibs, two of the spouses, some of the cousins – just a handful.  It’s strange. 

Like Being in a VC Andrews Novel

               I forget the stuff that hurt me.  Try to shake it off and focus on the good memories.  For instance, when my son got married to Bridezilla (she wasn’t always, but she was that day – as well as several others) my sister sent her oldest daughter to attend the wedding as Bill had agreed to be their photographer.  So we took Anna with us to keep an eye on her.  Jaime and Ester were dressed in purple gowns as they had been selected as flower girls along Jeanie’s two nieces.  Unbeknownst to Jeanie, her mom looked at Anna thoughtfully and asked if she would like to be a part of the flower girl ensemble.  Anna was not wearing purple.  She was dressed in blue and Jaime was thrilled to walk with her as they threw peddles out of a basket.

         It didn’t seem any different than having Ester escorted by her mom.  After all, Ester was only two.  Perhaps Jaime was supposed to assist Ester?  I don’t know.  It was a moment I was grateful for as Anna and Emma both had loud smiles plastered on their faces.  That is one moment I remember about Jeanie’s mom.  There are others.  Thanksgiving dinner, eating after Jeanie’s funeral.  It isn’t as though I had indefinite conversations with either Jeanie or he mother.  It’s not like I’ve had much opportunity to know either one.

         I’d written in an earlier post that Jeanie was the third of five children to leave this mortal existence.  I don’t know about the two older sibs who passed, but I did learn that Jeanie was psychologically messed up.  Turns out her mom is as well.  Oh, I am sure that it is hard to lose a child.  Many have gone through it.  While some have done gracefully, others are at a loss.  She dwells on their memories and tries hard to pass it on to their survivors but has gone about it the wrong way. 

Memories are to be shared not to be used to control – which seems to be her issue.  She hangs onto hateful emails to share with others -  that I didn’t know until this morning when my newest daughter-in-law told me about her experience with the deranged woman. Her husband should have her committed or perhaps her survivors who don’t live in the same state as she.  Perhaps there is a reason they live in different states.  She doesn’t even acknowledge their kids – just the two granddaughters of the deceased. 

Just over a month ago, Clair had had enough.  She told Biff that they needed to move and had gone to Florida to be with her family.  That wasn’t working out for David and now they are here with us.  They pulled up with their belongings which is in the shed, on our front porch, under our car port.  All storage units within a 100 mile radius are full.  Winters approaching.  Their belongings will have to be moved.

What did Biff ever do to go through so many trials? It’s hard to see the blessings as it seems he has constantly jumped around from frying pan to fire to stovetop to oven . . . moving in with us must be so hard for them. Clair is a great mom.  Hope Biff’s former mother-in-law doesn’t try to follow.  Sounds like they will need a restraining order.  The fairytale is over.

Disconnected

         At the end of last month/start of this month, Richard’s only living sister said she had been wanting to go to South Carolina to see their mom.  Richard has too and thought that perhaps they could go together – or else at least meet up.  His sister Jean feels somewhat in the dark because of a feud that has taken place between her and the youngest brother – who has taken it upon himself to become mom’s caretaker – although I think more responsibility has fallen upon his wife.  I don’t know if it’s something she has dealt with before, but Richard’s sister does not understand.  She believes that the youngest brother and his wife are preventing phone calls and supervision.  What a mess.  It doesn’t sound to me as if Jean has ever dealt with dementia.  That’s where there mom is at.

        Last week Richard heard from Jean’s husband. They were in the process of traveling to North Carolina where Al has a relative who had been given two weeks to live.  They figured they would go and see their mom on the same trip as North Carolina and South Carolina are not that far apart.  It was a random decision on Richard’s part, but he decided he would go and join them right then.  Thus we picked up Jai from school last week and headed to the airport to drop off Roland who may be returning home today but may not return until tomorrow. We don’t know.

        Thus Jaime and I have had a reign on the house without Richard’s presence.  No cowboys or Sci-Fi.  Hardly any TV at all (I did watch a few recordings when I had been alert enough to do so) ironically Richard and I have both had colds or allergies or perhaps even COVID – though I don’t know how I would have contracted the latter.

        We’ve both been taking medicines – though I think I have taken more.  I have definitely slept more.  I’ve had tea with honey and am frankly tired of all the liquids that I’ve been sending through myself.  They all come out.  Usually whenever I cough.  I’d rather be asleep.

        I debated on whether to even go to Church on Sunday.  I wish I hadn’t gone.  I wore a mask.  I got so little out of the services.  I got even less out of the training meeting that I needed to attend.  I’ll probably mask up for the meeting that may or may not be held at 4:00 this evening.  Thus far I am feeling better.  I don’t remember ever having recouped this quickly from whatever – but I also have never been so doped up with over-the-counter and home remedies every four hours.

        I’m in a fog as I type this.  My head seems disconnected to the rest of my body.  I don’t even know if any of it makes sense or not.  I guess I can delete it once I have it figured out.

A Round About Way of Finding the Past

         Jack was raised by his mother.  He had not known his father, but his mother showed him pictures of the man she claimed to be his dad.  She had raised him with his father’s last name which wasn’t questioned until he tried to get a passport.  He dropped the surname that he had always gone by.

Recently he reached out to Roland who had been avid about family history for a few years.  If he could not find someone that he was related to through ancestry he would click on the hints for other family members – such as his late wife or my side of the family.  Jack was interested in knowing more about my grandfather – who was the only grandfather I had really known.  My paternal grandfather passed when I was quite young and I had only met my mom’s biological father only once or twice but certainly did not know him as a grandpa. 

Ralph had married my grandmother when my mom was a teenager.  That’s the grandfather that I knew.  He is the one Jack had inquired about although he seems to have more information about his possible father than do I.  Sad thing is he had moved to Los Angeles long before my grandpa had passed.  Grandpa was living in San Francisco.  If they had had the technology then as what we do now, he might have been able to talk to Grandpa in person.

I forwarded his information to my brother, Corey, who had connected with Ralph’s family at one time.  I figured he would have more information about Ralph than do I.  He does.  Both of us have sent emails to Jack and he has written back to each of us.  This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Perhaps I Have Contributed to Her Happiness After All

         Before Jenna was born I started keeping a journal for her – writing it in first person as though she were writing it – guessing what she was thinking.  I ended up with 10 volumes from 2004 – 2013.  I had stopped printing pages the year that my mom passed.  I continued with scrapbook pages left in the computer and flash drives and continued our first year in Oregon, but then allowed her to take over - which she has discontinued.

Anyway, we have been rereading through her books during this pandemic.  I appreciate having recorded what I did as there is much I have forgotten.  I remember myself having been uptight all of the time – but perhaps not as often as I had believed.  I had always felt blessed with such a happy girl and wanted to help her stay that way – trying hard to stay positive though not always successful and it shows in my writing particularly when her sisters would visit.

I was not so much against her sisters as I was their deranged mother who brought Satan into our lives. I unfortunately accepted his influence and allowed myself to be angry and sad.  At first it was Frances who wanted to be there and Pamprin didn’t want anything to do with us.  I thought of her as a spoiled brat.  Eventually the roles were reversed.  Frances seemed to have given up on life and Pamprin seemed to not like to be with her mother and sister but had asked Roland to pick her up – which I would not have believed if I hadn’t recorded it.  When Jenna was newly born I did not like Pamprin to be around her but when Frances was no longer in the picture, I thought that Pamprin was really cute with Jenna.

Jenna and I enjoyed taking walks.  I’d push her in the stroller or pull her in the wagon until she decided that she could just walk on her own.  The first neighborhood we lived in was loaded with sidewalks.  I have always preferred walking to driving and sidewalks made it easy.

We walked everywhere.  To the store, to the gas station, the school and even to the library – and that was on the other side of a busy street.  It amazes me that we crossed it on foot all the many times that we did.

Jenna loved to explore – still does – and I allowed her to explore in yards of neighbors and taught her to be respectful and had even assisted with discoveries.  I was never in a hurry and so allowed her to take her time.

Jenna had gone to the local elementary school for two and a half years.  Two years of pre-school and half a year of kindergarten. From where we lived South Kearns Elementary was less than a ten minute walk for one who just walked and did not stop to smell every flower, pose with statues, stop for every fire hydrant, and observe snails and other critters.  We always left the house at least a half hour early as it always took more than twenty minutes to get there.  The return home always took more than thirty.

Jenna had a friend whose mom had asked if I could watch her child between when school ended until she came home from work.  Thus I would pick up two girls from kindergarten.  Jenna and Kas had not been friends prior – even when the school year started and I would walk both of them to our house – both sulky because neither one wanted to associate with the other but in time they did become friends who did better with one another on the walk home than at our house.

Kas was high maintenance which nobody (including her mom) could understand.  I had never met another five-year-old that was that pristine.  Everything had to match and be in order.  Jenna had more important things to care about and it was obvious that clothes were not a high priority in her life.

One time we were walking towards our house and the wind was blowing. Both Jenna and Kas pretended that it was blowing so hard that it would send them backward.  I don’t think it took us two hours to get home that day though I do know it was more than forty minutes.  Kas’ mom must have left work early that day for when we finally made it home she was parked in the driveway.  Both Kas and Jenna seemed miffed with me as “I hadn’t allowed them enough time to play together.”  Oh, they had been playing the entire time!  I wasn’t the one that told them to walk backwards and in the direction the wind carried the leaves.

We moved that year to a less developed neighborhood where sidewalks were almost non-existent.  We often walked in the middle of the street as we aimlessly moved through the neighborhood rarely without a destination.  We could walk to the church and trailer park.  No shops within walking distance though we did walk to the gas station on occasion.  Jenna rode the bus to school.

When first grade started Jenna was attending another school – one that I had to drive to.  I would drop her off each morning and return for her in first grade.  I was left alone in the parking lot as I waited for her to cross the field with her friend Isaac.  They were always the last two – never in a hurry.  Fortunately, neither was I.  I enjoyed the solitude of being the only one left in the parking lot.  We were both happy and at peace.

By second grade we were carpooling.  I would pick her classmate up in the morning and his mom would pick them up after school which worked out well for all of us except Jenna because her classmate’s mom was always in a hurry and Jenna wasn’t able to dawdle for more than a year.  But her classmate moved and I was responsible for getting Jenna after school. Sometimes I was in a hurry because I was also dealing with my mom who had dementia.

I think by allowing Jenna to explore and not being in a hurry, I have contributed to her happiness.  Some parents deprive their children from being children by saying “don’t” and “no” more often than they say, “yes” “take your time”. 

Love is a Wrench

She became aware of boy/girl relationships during middle school.  She thought they were stupid.  All the emotions.  All of the game playing.  All of the drama.  The entire idea of relationships was stupid.  They did not appeal to her and she was fine and secure on her own.  She remained that way throughout middle school and her freshman year.

Then came summer.

They were friends.  There were generally four of them who hung around one another during lunch.  Not necessarily to eat, but to play games and enjoy one another’s company.

He really liked her.  First as a friend.  Then maybe something more.  Not too much more.  He had been in a relationship before.  He did not need another.  And yet he found her to be adorable.  He liked holding her hand and leaning on her.  What’s more, he enjoyed it when she leaned on him.

He told her that he would not date her.  Or at least he would not be the one to ask her out.  But he might say yes if she asked him.

Awkward!

With the ball in her court, she did not know what to do.  She liked him as a friend.  Perhaps something more.  She enjoyed holding hands. She liked having his arm around her.  But they were just friends.  She did not wish to become involved in a relationship that would cause emotions and possible drama.  Yet she knew that she too had already developed feelings beyond friendship.  

She did not particularly wish to date him.  But she did wish to continue hanging out.  Why do relationships and emotions have to be so complicated?  It was barely the beginning of summer.  It was not as if they were an item or anything.  But perhaps they could be.

He thought that she was indecisive.  She was.  She had never been involved in a relationship beyond friends.  Nor did she particularly want to be.  She enjoyed being friends.  She also enjoyed holding hands.  She had also found that she somehow enjoyed the idea that he liked her more than just a friend because she had too. But she looked at the new emotions as a wrench being cast into the relationship.  Why complicate things?

Thus they started their summer together . . . as friends . . . perhaps a little bit more.  But not too much more.  Oh, why these stupid emotions?

            I like how Nancy Drew said: “Can you tell when a girl looks at you and is thinking how much she likes you and is wondering if you like her and thinking how important it is for you to say how you feel before she says anything more about how she feels about you or anyone else they might be jealous of because she's already said how she feels how she's said in her own way?”(2007 Movie) 

           I remember when Biff was hanging out with Paula.  They may have held hands at one time or another.  They may have kissed during the first five years but for the most part, their friendship was platonic.  They were friends.  She came to his wedding when Biff and Jeanie were married.  She also attended Jeanie’s funeral.  They keep in touch through facebook.  Still friends but definitely not intimate.  Right now he is with Claire.

“Love is the feeling you feel when you are feeling the feeling that you have never felt before” – unknown

It is great when both parties involved feel the same way about one another.  At the same time, it is nerve racking when feelings develop beyond friendship.  Love is stronger than like.  Love means more than “really really like”.  Love involves commitment.  Who needs that?

Stupid emotions.  Complicated relationships.  Blech!

The word STRESS

What causes stress?

            Moving causes stress – especially when the moving date has changed and you are not prepared as you believe you have more time to pack everything.

            It is stressful looking for a house to move into.

            A job can be stressful – especially one that lays on the pressure for an academic advisor to reach the unreasonable goal of ten starts each month.  How can an academic advisor seriously be accountable for a student changing his or her mind?  Especially when the referrals given come from people who were searching for jobs and filled out a school interest on accident as they believed it was a part of the job application?

            Stress is trying to fill out a job application online or take a test for school when the Wi-Fi seems to have troubles staying connected. The very words “Blackboard Collaboration” give me stress.

            Stress is dealing with unreliable transportation.  Perhaps you were in an accident or you need a transmission and finances are tight.  You take public transportation but get stuck waiting for the bus that doesn’t arrive on time because it’s been rerouted.

            Bomb threats, fire drills, lockdowns.  Trying to believe it isn’t real but just a routine. But what if it’s not?

            Finances.

            Stress is dealing with a parent who used to have an active mind have distorted memories and her reality is quite different from your own.

            It is also stressful to have another parent who needs 24/7 care and sleeps while you’re awake and vice-versa.  You become stressed because you feel weak because you have lost sleep with worry.

           It is stressful to watch your children make poor choices and live soap opera lives.  It hurts when you don’t even know them.

            Cell phone provider.  Cell phone itself.

            A court-happy Ex-spouse           

            I can also stress something that I feel is important.  To stress something is very different than to feel stress or be stressed.