Remembering the Meeting

          I don’t know how long my brothers had power of attorney for my mom’s welfare when she had dementia. I don’t know if it was when she was still living at home or after we put her into assisted living.  I don’t know if I can find the exact date in my file or not.  I do remember all four of her children had gone downtown for a visitation with an attorney.

          There was concern about finances and how long we would be able to keep her in assisted living and if we could rely on state contribution in the future should the money run out – and just how long would we have before the state could/would assist.  It was a first visit for me and my sister.  I don’t know if my brothers had met with the attorney before in person or if things were done over the phone.  I don’t recall – though I’m certain my youngest brother remembers the details vividly.  He just seems to have an Hyperthymesia memory.

          I remember the session was scheduled for three hours.  Apparently they do that with family members leaving them time to squabble – which was never part of our circumstances.  We agreed upon things according to our faith, our values, and respect for not only our parents but each other as well.  We did not need the full three hours.  In fact, just after the attorney sat down and gave some council and asked if we had any questions before proceeding, I spoke up.  I said it was probably out of the ordinary but could we please start off with a word of prayer.

          That in itself made a huge difference.  The attorney was taken aback to our behavior and agreement.  Being the state executor had been hard on the one brother and asked if he could turn that over to the youngest who already had power of attorney but the attorney advised that the power of attorney and executor not be the same person.  But we were okay with it.  All four of us could sign whatever had to be signed.  The attorney said that in all his years of practice that he had only gotten through one other family as quickly as with ours.

          We put mom in a facility that we could afford.  I think they were understaffed and not so much individualized as other care facilities we had looked into.  But the staff did their best and we certainly don’t cast any blame.  Quite the contrary.  We are grateful to how things were handled.

          My youngest brother researched mom’s condition.  He said there were seven stages.  He said that he believed that mom was in stage five – which was actually a fun stage – which we chose to view it as. We thought mom would live in assisted living for many years – which was a big concern when we had met with the attorney.  But she was in assisted living for only nine months before she passed.  We did not have to see her go through stages 6 or 7 which we all considered a huge blessing.

          It’s quite an odd memory that I would think about.  I just had always wondered if there was a connection between Metformin and Dementia.  There were five individuals who lived on the same street – one had Alzheimers and the other four had another form of dementia. The four that had dementia all had diabetes – though I can’t  if all four took Metforim.  I know for certain that at least one did.  The one with Alzheimers lived the longest.  I don’t know if she was diabetic or not.

          It’s just something I often think about though I would like to let it go. But sometimes it haunts me.

First Names

          Today a sister had asked why we call each other Sister so-and-so and not address first names.  I understood her question.  There are some sisters who have such beautiful names that are often lost in the shuffle when they are addressed by their last name. I do think that you get used to addressing a person one way and may have a hard time making your mind remember to call them something else.  (For instance for years you may have been calling the neighbor lady Mrs. Loren twenty years later you are expected to call her Amanda.  Huh?)

According to this site, the title “Brother” or “Sister” is a sign of respect which I understand but I do not think of calling a person by first name is a sign of disrespect.  It is more intimate and familiar.  I like hearing people called by their first names.  But I do get the respect of the title just as addressing Bishop (name) President (name) and so forth.

One sister commented that sometimes we don’t know the names of those we are addressing and may address an individual “Sister” while introducing ourselves. Or “Sister, remind me of your name” which seems to happen more often than not.    LDS Living offers these two ideas. 

         I am okay with either “Karen” or “Sister Rivera”.  Either is acceptable and I’m not offended if addressed by the other. Jaime would rather not be referred to as “Sister Rivera”.  Fair.  I also had a problem when I was addressed by my maiden name. I personally would have rather been called “Karen” than “Sister Fehr”. Sister Fehr was my grandmother and not my 21 year old self (or however old).  I hadn’t looked at it as a sign of respect.  For me, personally, the title felt somewhat intimidating – as though I had graduated from being a youth to having one foot in the grave. 

As Jaime and I were talking she told me she understands the respect thing. She most often addresses her uncles as Uncle Todd, Uncle Steven, Uncle Robert and so forth. But she is still using their first names and not Uncle Glad, Uncle Fehr and Uncle Rivera (that would be weird).  I have always used first names for grandmas to separate them from their parents.  (Grandma Greenwood, Grandma Fehr, Grandma Mary, Grandma Helen, Grandma Gerrie, Grandma Aurelia, Grandma Lucy . . . .)

I did have one bishop who had a three syllable Polish name which wasn’t all that difficult to pronounce but the entire time he was serving was addressed as “Bishop Joe” – Joe being his first name.  I served a ward in Virginia where all the members were addressed by Brother and Sister First Name rather than last name.  I really liked that.  First names means “friend” in my opinion.