Early This Year

The primary program was today.  Definitely the earliest time ever - especially with this ward.  The song leader, pianist, primary president and one of her counselors were on the stage along with the ten children who make up the primary.  It was fun watching Jenna sing along with as much as she was able.

I am not the only one who has seemed to lose track of this month.  Each third Sunday there is a linger longer - but not today.  It was announced in the program, but evidently we were not the only ones who had forgotten.  

I had gone out to the car to put my bag in the trunk and Jenna came out before I had the opportunity of returning to the building.  Jenna LOVES linger longer but told me that it had been cancelled.  Tough break.  I should have retrieved my camera from the trunk, but did not - otherwise I'd be sharing a picture of the seven turkeys I had to wait to cross the road before I continued on my drive.

taken 09/18/2019

Spirit Touched Me Again and made it Hard to Sing

     I remember one Mother's Day when the primary children were on the stage singing various songs.  One was LoveIs Spoken Here, a song that is done in two parts.  After the primary children finished up with the first verse, the members of the priesthood stood up and sang the second part.  It touched my heart and my eyes started leaking.  It was so awesome hearing them sing together.  I wondered if I would ever be awed like that again. 

 

          Today, toward the end of the program, the audience was asked to sing the second part of A Child's Prayer.  I thought the request was a bit odd as it doesn't even seem that the majority of the congregation would even know it.  And as our chorister was having such a hard time with teaching the song, how did the leaders think it was possibly going to connect?

 

          Last week the RS, Priesthood, YM/YW all met together to receive instructions on the Come Follow Me program that we'll be using in just a couple of weeks.  In addition they took time out to learn the second verse of the song.  It was truly inspiring to listen to them sing to us and have us sing together.  Anne stood directly in front of me.  It's a wonder I was able to see her mouth drop as she was also amazed with the awesome performance.  I wish I could have gaped in astoundment rather than fight to get the words out as if I don't have enough challenges at providing a pleasant singing voice.

 

          The next song was Called to Serve which does not invite the tears.  It is vibrant and calls for happy authority.  I remember singing it when I was on my mission.  The chorister used all kinds of words associated with music - which I'm certain the musically gifted would understand, but there were several of the missionaries that had no clue as to the meaning of the words.  I remember mocking back her use of "crescendo" and seeing some Elders laugh about it because they probably didn't understand the word either. So it really is a memory without tears, but my eyes were still wet from A Child's Prayer. 

 

           The last song that we sang was The Church of Jesus Christ, which stirred up personal meaning as well - I think of it as Jenna's song and had shared my reasons with the primary during our practice.  When I was pregnant with her, Corey had asked to feel my belly and movement inside.  I told her he would have to sing to her.  He picked some Broadway hit, I don't even recall what it was.  Jenna did not move.

 

          "Try a primary song," I said.

 

          He started singing, "I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

         

          She stirred at the sound of his voice.

 

          Several months later I was in the hospital because my water had broke.  I don't know how many hours had gone by before the nurse suggested we sing something to coax her out.  We picked that same children's song.  I think four of us were singing to her - including the nurse, and I thought that was really special.  I don't think it worked.  A different nurse was with me several hours later when Jenna finally decided to make her debut - though it still wasn't her idea to come out.  She was ticked and let everybody in the hospital know about it.

          Jenna has had some moments during her life - especially when she was young and colicky - that she has not been a happy camper, but overall I have been blessed with a daughter who smiles and loves life and is overall happy.  What a great quality!

          The Spirit has definitely touched me today.

The End Result

          Primary programs seem necessary, but I loathe practicing for them.  I always have. As a child, my primary day was on Thursday right after school.  I was then a part of the Midvale East 4th ward.  I can remember on days when it would snow, an announcement would go over the intercom: there will be no primary for such and such a ward.  Never did they announce Midvale East 4th would be cancelled - not even once!  And some days we were faced with more severe snow!  I did not appreciate nor understand it at the time.  I have since thanked my former primary president for her love and devotion.

          However, practicing for the primary program, for me, was worse than crossing the street in the snow.  Though I do enjoy singing, I did not enjoy practicing them or keeping still or staying reverent while others took their turns. I would actually play hooky from primary and hang around the school playground until I believed that primary was over, and then I would walk home. Becoming a primary teacher hasn't changed my attitude toward practicing for the primary program - in fact I believe my attitude towards it has worsened.  Hooky doesn't come so easy as an adult who is trying to set an example.

          I don't know what happened with the primary program last year - why it didn't seem planned for.  I think we only had one or two practices.  I remember our chorister felt stressed about it.  We avoided that this year with five practices.  Last week we practiced on the stage.  Last week I was in a horrible mood. Sitting between two boys that can't keep their hands off each other.  Emily was very reverent.  She was moved to the middle between two other boys in order to set an example.  I watched our youngest primary boy in the corner doing his own thing.  I know I shot him looks of disapproval that the Savior himself would not have done.

          I woke up about 3:00 this morning.  I could feel a headache - though I don't know why - unless it was from the mistletoe I had encountered on Friday (because I had  a headache that day too) and told Roland that if I still had it by the time church started, I would not be participating in the primary program today after all (Oh, darn it all)

          This week I prayed to have a better attitude and better experience.  Last year wasn't bad. There are some really good primary programs and many that we're grateful that they have some to an end, like this one for example.  Today's program went rather well.  Everyone who could see them were impressed (those sitting four or five rows left of the podium did not have a tremendous view - if at all;  the floor plan adjacent to the stage is not the best I've ever seen - plus the fact that we don't have an overly large primary)

         

http://www.lifesjourneytoperfection.net/2016/11/all-you-

need-for-2017s-lds-primary.html#.WhH2crpFycw

          I smiled at Christopher instead of shooting disapproving looks.  Joseph sat between us and felt amused by some of Christopher's four-year-old behavior.  Sometimes I felt myself smiling with him.  The program went 1,000 times smoother than any of the practices had.

          Danny taught the lesson.  I saw the subject had been on winter quarters and thought: "How in the world does one give that lesson in just 25 minutes?"  We had been told to cut class short today because we'd be watching a movie as a reward for having performed the program.  In addition to the children in our class who had taken part in the primary program, we had a few visitors besides.  It was funny to see the look on the primary president's face when she walked past the room to get a head count of how many children there were. 

          "Oh, my word!" she let out.  It's true.  We had fourteen children in our class alone - which is probably how many children we had on stage.  There had been at least eight in the other class.  They were given ice cream to eat while they watched the movie.  Our primary room isn't accustomed to 22 plus how many ever chairs.  Some leaders were sitting, but it appeared that most were standing.  Not me.  I'm  really not claustrophobic, but I didn't want to be smashed into the primary room

I decided I'd go to Relief Society.  My headache was back.  I still don't know why.  I left the church house and arranged for Jenna to be dropped off by one of her leaders.

          I am grateful that the primary did well on their parts and song.  I'm grateful that I didn't have to have my headache on the stage and I was able to drive myself home.  I still have my headache.  I was hoping it would be gone by now.  Perhaps it's psychological.   I missed my niece's missionary farewell this morning.  I heard that Tony and Rochelle represented the family.  Of that, I am also grateful.

If you can’t question your religion, Why Are You In It?

         I don’t know if I had met Kelly prior to the being called to serve on the activities committee.  The first activity I remember being involved with was a “food storage/budgeting made-fun activity” Kelly played Betty Barker and I became the emcee who drew the names of contestants and invited them to “come on down”.

         Even then she was struggling with the Church and her family life – desiring to connect the two but feeling torn with her beliefs.  Her husband showed no sign of ever wanting to be involved with the Church or even anybody who belonged to it.  Perhaps Kelly wasn’t even active when they met but gradually came around with a desire for having God and direction in her life – perhaps not necessarily the “Mormon Church”

         That was five years ago.  And she continues to battle with herself and her maintaining a comfortable relationship and self worth which she is not finding in the Church.  I understand.  Perhaps not completely.  But I do understand why she would leave – although she hasn’t withdrawn completely.

         Her husband still gives her no support as far as showing any interest in church or church members.  I didn’t even know what he looked like until the other night when I glanced at him through the window.  He had heard we were coming and made his “get-away” before we were even out of the car.

         Kelly’s last calling had been a counselor in the primary.  Not where she wanted to be, but accepted the calling believing it would keep her on the path to and at that the Church is where she needed to be – until she was asked to create the program for the 2014 “Families are Forever” theme.  That became the straw that broke the camel’s back.  It wasn’t in her heart to create a program that she herself felt discriminated against.

         Actually, I had wondered how the majority felt as many of the primary children are from broken homes, inactive or part member families, many with barriers that seem to prevent the traditional “families are forever” theme. 

         Elenore sat on the stand near the pulpit, to help the children with the lines they might have forgotten. I wondered if the program had been difficult for her as she and her husband had divorced long before I had even met her. She’d gone back to her maiden name rather than identifying herself with her married name.  She has custody of their two children, but he has visitation rights.

         I hadn’t even paid attention to Kelly’s absence as I watched various children get up and recite lines that just didn’t seem to fit in their current living environment.  How many of them believed in the words that they said?  How many struggled through that program?  I did.

         Kelly’s youngest son and Jenna have often played together.  Kelly had told me about sending her son to a water park all summer.  I had been dragging Jenna to Kearns with me last summer.  Perhaps “drag” is not the correct word as she really did enjoy being with her cousins.  But I know she would have loved spending summer at a water park if given the opportunity. 

         I had asked Kelly if Spencer would be returning to the water park this summer and thought I would look into a pass for Jenna.  I thought we had talked just last month, but then she disappeared.

         I was substitute teaching the last three weeks of December.  I think there were five or six names on the role in Jenna’s class, but it was usually just Elenore’s son and Jenna.  Spencer wasn’t there during the three weeks I had taught.  I sent Kelly a message to inquire if she and her family had been out of town for the holidays.  Turns out she is actually attending another church – one that doesn’t push the “Families are Forever” theme.  One that doesn’t make her feel discriminated against.

         I had the same struggles when I was single for so long – not as long as several sisters in the current ward I belong to.  I was married at 39.  There are several sisters in my ward who are much older that have not had opportunity to marry – or perhaps they have and it just didn’t feel right with choice of partner.  I don’t know.  I know that there are several who feel discriminated against when lessons are given on eternal marriage or husband/wives relationships.  It’s hurtful to hear when that very thing doesn’t seem to exist in the earthly future.

         I recently read that divorce is 50/50 but that a marriage needs to be 100/100.  And there are some couples that each give 100% and then there are other couples in which one does all the giving while the other does all the taking.  I can only control what I give, but I cannot control what another might contribute.  Roland contributes 100% - perhaps more.  But not everybody has that.  Not everybody has the support from family members.  Not everybody gives 100%.

         Hannah moved into the ward about a year after we did.  For the longest time I believed that she was a single parent as I never saw her with a spouse.  She was diligent about coming to meetings and activities though it was challenging at times.  It wasn’t known to all that there were struggles, for Hannah wore a smile on her face and pressed on.  One day she announced that there were struggles and coming to church wasn’t easy. Her husband didn’t wish to attend church with her.

         When Asher (her son) got closer to turning eight, he begged his dad to please come back to Church so that he could baptize him.  Thus after eight or nine years of attending Church on her own, Hannah’s husband finally came around.  He is the one who baptized Asher.  Endurance.

         So where is Kelly’s reward when she has seemingly had to endure even longer?  Why are there some whose trials seem to outlast their faith while others seem to be rewarded in just a matter of minutes?  How many of us feel that we have been or are being dealt with unfairly?  For how long must we endure?

         One of my biggest hang-ups in this “pushing family” church is the discrimination that seemingly takes place at the temple.  The sealing ceremony in which only the worthy temple recommends holders can participate.  All loved ones who are not temple recommend holders are allowed to wait in the lobby but cannot witness the special event because they don’t have recommends.  They have been labeled “unworthy” How do you explain that? 

         I was married civilly over three years before I was sealed.  The civil marriage was a lot more personable.  I enjoyed having guests at my wedding that otherwise couldn’t come to see Roland and I exchange vows.  I don’t like to feel excluded because I don’t have a recommend (or didn’t; not when Patrick married.  Not when my cousin married her first husband) and I don’t wish for others to feel that way.

         What does a “Forever Family” mean in my case?  That the boys will go with Roland and their mom?  That Jenna will go with Roland and me?  And what’s to become of Roland’s oldest two girls?  They were born under the covenant?  But do they sense that now?  Do they even know what that means?

         The boys are adults with spouses (soon families) of their own.   How does that work?  Are they always going to reside with us in the hereafter or will they go with their wives’ families?  I don’t think our concept of “Families are forever” will be the same as what we may build up in our minds.  We are required to have faith that it will all work out.  God’s kind and men’s kind are very often not the same.

            Denise shared her testimony after her forty plus years of struggles – though not with the Church.  She had been baptized when she was 19.  The ward bishop had called her into his office to call her as a primary teacher.  But there was a condition that came with accepting the call.  She would have to stop dating her boyfriend.  It wasn’t because even because he wasn’t a member, but apparently the bishop objected to his race.  I don’t know if she saw that as discrimination coming from the Church or just that particular leader.  It wasn’t right that he had told her that.  She left the Church and did not return until over forty years later.

            The elder missionaries showed up on her doorstep shortly after she lost her dad.  She was in a state of depression.  She had answered the door in her pajamas and commented that one elder in particular was dead set about helping her.  She said she needed her dishes done but didn’t have any soap.  The elders dismissed themselves but said they would return.

            When the elders returned, they brought back some dish soap along with a missionary couple.  While the elders did dishes, Denise sat in the other room with the elderly couple and asked about her father.  It was a very good visit and an indication for her to return to the Church in which she had been baptized a member over four decades earlier.

            We all have our trials.  We all have our disappointments.  Endurance is not an easy thing.  For many, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  For many there is no life.  They have given up home.  Some hang on by a thread searching for a glimmer of hope.  May each of us find the strength needed to endure than we may find peace?  That is my hope. 

The Amazing Ever-Hair-Style-Changing Hair Band

        Many of us have sat through primary programs that have had participants who would never make it to poster child for illustrating reverence.  Sometimes we laugh at the misfortunes; some roll their eyes and come up with all the answers for how to discipline.  Some parents take it with a grain of salt.  Some are mortified and embarrassed. 

I don’t remember Jenna being so ill mannered in our last ward, but she was making faces during the program last year. This year she displayed her fidgety fingers as she bit her nails (while waiting in line at the pulpit) and fussed over her hair band and seemed to create a different hairstyle with each adjustment. 

The hair band fell off her head as they stood up to perform one of the songs.  She did sing, but frantically looked all around to see where it had gone.  Jenna’s among the tallest girl – if not the tallest – which made it more obvious.

Still not as bad as my brother’s ward – which had a HUGE primary when Kimball and Ellen were four and six.  I don’t know whose brilliant idea it was to put the six four year olds on table tops.  Kimball was quite reverent, but the two next to him were kicking one another and pulling hair (as I recall) elbowing, fist fighting.  

That was my view.  Those three four year olds sitting on the same side as I was.  Most everybody who was on my side saw those two four year olds fighting and missed most of the program.  I actually think that was more irreverent than Jenna’s amazing hair-style-changing head band.

Four more years and Jenna will be in young women’s. Perhaps by then she will learn to keep still.