Aiming for the Ideal

            A couple of weeks ago we had the missionaries come over for dinner.  As we were talking, one of elders made the comment that several people don't see us a family oriented church.  I took the opportunity to explain to him why that might be.   Though there is a strong emphasis placed upon the family - even the definition according to the proclamation (see here) seems discriminatory.  We're not all like that.  The average family doesn't fit the mold. The proclamation gives us an ideal that we are supposed to strive for.  

          When I wrote this post, I referred to a couple named Juleen and Al Jackson.  I mentioned how I'd been under the impression that Juleen had believed that the show should have focused more on their story (or families of similar living) rather than explore those that didn't quite fit into the mold of "Mormon living"  - she DID NOT say it that way, rather that is my own interpretation.  In her mind she represented the higher population of what and LDS person is.  In my mind she represented what the "ideal" Mormon "should" be - to a degree anyway.  Probably the family values would fit into the mold of the "ideal" family - not to say they don't have problems.  Everybody has problems. 

          There were times of tension in my mom and dad's house - nothing like the average family.  As Corey and I have both mentioned, our family was not perfect, but by comparison to so many others, it almost seems too good to be true.  Same with my brother, Patrick and his wife.  I know there have been struggles with fitting into the perfect mold - but even so, I think theirs may also be one that many may view as too good to be true.

          I definitely don't fit into the mold - not even close.  Too much tension between me and my middle son - even from this far away.  He says things that set me off.  Even without that added stress, I just don't believe our family (with me as a parent) fit the "ideal" mold.

          Corey and his husband have Christianity and a great love and respect for mankind - but they're certainly not part of the "ideal" family - not according to the proclamation.  They are shunned.  Oh, the Church says "we welcome them" and they may feel it among certain members, but I don't believe the Church as a whole. 

           I remember attending the temple ceremony when my cousin was married to his wife.  She had a large family, and as I recall, by the time Roland and I had entered the room, it was just standing room only.  There was my Uncle Ross and Aunt Fern to support him.  It was the first time I had felt a personalness and connection during the ceremony and not just the routine of going through the motions.  It was special.  It was the most awesome temple marriage ceremony that I have attended. 

          Not all family members are welcomed to the temple.  There have been many invited to wait in the foyer and not be part of the ceremony due to a sacredness.  But when you are on the outside waiting, it is kind of hard seeing that the church is family oriented when all of the family is not together for the great event.  I think that's why all the hoopla with wedding receptions.  ALL of the family members can be included whether they hold temple recommends or not.

          Earlier this year I noticed his wife's name had been removed from a family conversation.  I emailed Corey and asked if he knew the reason.  Apparently the two had divorced the year before.  He forwarded an email that another cousin had sent about the situation.  I read it as though the family was trying to erase the former wife's existence out of their lives.  How would they ever be able to succeed after eleven years of marriage?  She and Michelle's daughter had read the eulogy together at my uncle's funeral. Surely there are good things to remember? I'll admit that I did not get to know her all that well.  It would be easier for me to erase her as part of family, and yet there are things that I will never forget about her.  I will remember the feeling that I had at their ceremony.

          I have another cousin who also got divorced just this year.  Corey did tell me about that one before her name was also removed from the family conversation. I heard his wife just left him.  I don't know what happened. He's now a single parent. I believe his children still lives with him, but I don't know.

          I'm sure Dallin Oaks wasn't implying discrimination, and yet that is what I heard as he gave the statistics of mothers having children out of wedlock.  I thought of another cousin who many have always considered odd.  She brought her fiancé to Tony's missionary farewell.  My boys had thought him even odder.

           I represented the family by going to the luncheon and wedding reception.  They looked happy.  They divorced after she gave birth to their daughter.  I don't know why.  She said having a baby freaked him out - which is weird as he is the eldest of at least four sibs and sounded like a good brother making sacrifices and assisting in their upbringing.  I had assumed he would also make a great father.

          I remember when she announced her decision to have another baby.  She had gone for artificial insemination.  I don't know if there were any that understood or supported her choice - which may have not been hers alone just as my decision to marry Roland.  Roland and I both know God had a hand in getting us together.

        Tina is quite prayful.  She's temple worthy.  The decision made was not made lightly.  It may have been a struggle for her.  I know her finances have been even worse than ours have ever been.  And yet she went through with it and gave birth to a second daughter.

          I am one who questioned her choices then .  I have since commended Tina for her brave decision.  She provided a sibling for her daughter among other things.  I don't know all.  Perhaps she doesn't either.  She's had a lot of challenges and a lot of hardships.  She is a great mother.  But she certainly doesn't fit the "ideal".

          It's tough being a Mormon.  I can deal with the persecutions outside of the church better than I can with the ones that seem to be coming from our leaders.  In her case, she had the option of not carrying the second child - or even keeping the first for that matter.

          In the case of divorce, you do not have that option to control the decisions of another - and why would you want to?  Things often happen beyond our control that lead us on a path different from that which we planned for ourselves or led us to believe that we were on the right path.  It's bad enough being put in that position.  Single mothers don't need the reminders that they are single.  Sisters who attend church without their spouses don't need reminders that they also don't fit the "ideal" because their partners choose to be inactive. 

          Overall I enjoyed conference.  I really did.  But I had allowed something about this one to set me off.   I suppose it is me not listening to the Spirit rather than how the message was delivered. This is why we have so many speakers often speaking to us about the same topic.  Not everyone resonates with everybody else.  Some talks will touch some people while others allow their minds to wander and as I pointed out before, we don't all receive the same message.  I'm happy that Jenna was able to take away something more positive than I.  I really am grateful for diversity.  All of us need that.   

From What I Recall . . .

            I think my favorite talk for this past conference was this one given by Elder Ronald A. Rasband.   

He talked about a subject that I have touched on my blog before.  I was reminded of a post I created just over a year and a half ago.  I had briefly discussed Wendy Ulrich's book "Habits of Happiness".  The particular subject was "Don't try to get  Help from your Problems" - in other words, ask God to help you make your weaknesses become strengths - rely upon Him as the path you thought you may have chosen isn't necessarily the right one for you.

  

            It is interesting that so many of us can listen to or read the same exact talk and walk away from it with a different interpretation than another might - just as with the parables the Savior would deliver to those who would listen and those who were in tune (or are in tune) with the spirit will take from it what is needed in our life at that moment.

            I know there have been many unwilling to accept that the course of the path they travel is perhaps the best plan for them - or perhaps they are supposed to meet or influence others that they might not if circumstances were different.  Sometimes we feel that a situation might be better if we hadn't been at "the wrong place at the wrong time" but how do we know it was wrong.  Maybe it was a part of Heavenly Father's plan all along.  Maybe we had to overcome challenges to learn humility or some other lesson.  Maybe we need to set an example for somebody else.  

            In this post I compared Merida (from "Brave") and her desires to what was expected, what was desired, and how the course hadn't even been close to what had been expected - but had helped her to grow nonetheless. 

  

            Although Elder John D. Pingree's talk (here) seemed more aimed toward missionary work, it also reminded me of the examples that I used just trying to make it through our everyday lives and how to incorporate these four steps into helping others through service and talents and allowing ourselves to grow from our trials and use that to help others also.

           

    

Electronic Gremlins Have Not Gone Away

            For the last five weeks or so, I've had instructors stress the importance of using reliable computers and Internet because if an assessment is turned in incomplete or daily checkpoints aren't answered, there is nothing they can do about it.  It's been emphasized before, but I hadn't noticed as much as I have the last four or five weeks.  Apparently there are electronic gremlins invading the entire school - and not just the students.

            I recall the instructors having their turn with Zoom issues and recently the electronic bugs have spread themselves to all workers - I'm thinking even the technicians although I can't say for certain.

                On Tuesday there were facebook reminders that summarized Roland's birthday on various years.  He was sick on the last two  birthdays we had lived in Utah.  This year he was visited by Electronic Gremlins - he has been unable do his work efficiently as there seems to be an issue with the computers.  At first he thought it was the Internet as the Netgear wasn't blinking. 

            "Oh, great," I thought. "If Roland isn't getting Internet than I'm certainly not getting it."

            I am normally the first one to lose Internet access.  Sometimes I'll pull out the laptop to see if it's a Wi-Fi thing or a computer thing.  I actually haven't even bothered with the laptop much these last two weeks.  But the Internet seemed to be working fine for me.  That's a switch.  Me with Internet.  Him Without.  It felt like he was using something slower than dial-up.  Still feels that way.  He does have his laptop from when he took graphic arts.  He says that has been working faster for him.  That is sad.  His Mac is one of the slowest systems I have ever used in my life.

            It seems there's always an issue with the computers - if not with the instructors,  the students can't get in or else the other workers that are not instructors - which is Roland's case.  I turned in my assignment and took the assessment yesterday and am grateful to have it behind me as I can no longer get in.  Hopefully they will have it resolved before Monday - though it doesn't appear to be promising.

            Roland doesn't have his phone and so has been borrowing mine to keep in touch with what may (or may not) be going on.  He's afraid to leave his computer in case he is required to do something from his end.  Oh, the joys of modern technology and interference.

            . 

Treat Others With Respect

     I started my blog on New Year's 2012.  My goal was to create a new post for each day.  My goal was to keep them positive.  For the most part, I think they were.  It appears that I had been faithful about blogging each day for the first few months, and then it tapered off into at least 20 posts, but by summer it was less.  I had a great excuse though.  Jenna was home from school and I needed to spend time with her and not on the computer.

        December came and I was once again going to post every day.  All of my posts would center around Christmas.  I didn't want to be so cold as to not acknowledge the shootings on the 14th at Sandy Hooks elementary in Newton Connecticut.  Innocent children . . .

        I did not mention any other shootings . . . my blog had somehow turned into thoughts on dementia, assisted living, transportation and weather . . . it isn't because I didn't feel or grieve.  I feel sad, I feel anger - my emotions are not different from any other.  I wasn't trying to avoid the topic by not mentioning what has happened - way too many times.  I haven't felt my words on the subject would be of any comfort or interest or have relevance.

        Two years before the shootings happened in Las Vegas, I heard about the shootings that happed at Umpqua Community College.  We were still new to the area.  I had such a great respect for our community at that time as it appeared the entire county had pulled together during this tragic event.  Two years later (both took place October 1st) I am reading facebook posts from both Corey and Joh that they are alright.  Oh, but I fail to mention Orlando and all the other shootings (Trevor Noah, here, says there's been over 20 in just the last two years) . . . what is wrong with us?           

        As I was reading the summary of Bonnie Oscarson's talk (found here)  she says "we are touched when we see the suffering and great needs to those halfway around the world, but we may fail to see there is a person who needs or friendship siting right next to us in class?"  Actually, I think that was the theme of conference as it was mentioned in several other talks in all six meetings.

        I cannot say if all  the shooters have been bullied - though I think it's a safe guess.  What evidence have been researched into these people's backgrounds?  What is it that they have in common?  Were they mistreated by others until one day they just snapped?  We don't even know why they did it as they ended up turning the gun on themselves.  The police make speculations.  The media makes speculations.  I'm making the speculation that each of these men (or boys) had been mistreated by others. 

        Be kind to others.  Treat people as you would want to be treated.  Make time to understand if not to love.  Treat people decent.

        Remember the poem  "Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me?"  What idealist thought that up?  Name calling and disrespect hurt people all the time.  How many innocent people were shot at because somebody snapped - possibly because they hadn't been treated kindly by another.  Think about it.

I'm Writing in First Person

          My head has all these half baked ideas slowly making their way to paper and even slower to the computer.  I did listen to most of conference and have comments about various talks.  Roland has finished his schooling and I feared he might become board, but we have projects lined up with even greater interruptions which I am hoping to explain.

          I'm certain that I mentioned somewhere that I am a slow reader and an even slower processor.  I'm grateful that I have only one class this time around as it looks like it will be a challenge. The material isn't necessarily boring as much as it is time consuming.  The class itself is on investments and the first week specifically covers real estate and property ownership and what all is included.  Fortunately I have Roland to help me.

          There are many terms I don't know, many laws I don't understand.  Of course "possession" varies from state to state.  For instance, Myrtle Creek is much more lenient about property rights and interference than was Salt Lake.  For instance properties must be maintained in all the cities within Salt Lake County, although I think there are some cities that are stricter than others and possibly send enforcers around with a ruler to measure each lawn to make certain that the grass has been cut down to the very inch it should be.  I know people who have been cited for "overgrown" lawns and weeds. In this part of Oregon, we are not even supposed to mow our lawns during fire season - which often includes more than just the months of summer. 

          Thus far my assignments have had to be 600+ words, but this time around I'm expected to have 750+.  I can do that if I use personal examples as I have many of them.  Trying include personal examples written in third person just feels weird.  The instructions don't say it has to be in third person. So I'm doing it in first. I'll let you know how it goes provided that I can find the time.  I hope to blog more about what seems important to me and don't have to neglect it researching a topic that I don't find as interesting.

Jenna's notes

Keep in mind that Jenna's mind (not to mention the speaker's words) was going faster than her pencil.
They come with pictures.

she designed her notebook cover

Bonnie Oscarson did NOT make the comparison

to Thor's hammer, but as her talk was going 

faster than Jenna could write, she put the

first thing that her brain could think of.

see here

WE'RE (we are) all important

until I asked about the cat in the picture, Jenna

had never gotten the reference of killing a "fatted

cat" in the parable of the prodigal son.  I had to

stop laughing before I could correct her

last line was not from conference, but 

something was said that triggered the 

lyrics for a "Veggie-Tale" song

this was her favorite talk as it started with

attention grabber: "The Lion King"

I'll have to ask her about this one

yes, that is a rough sketch of

Elvis as Ellis sounds similar

It's "Accountable" not "a Cannibal" - sometimes it's okay to Laugh

          I suppose it depends on one's frame of mind if one gets upset with another who does something that may seem disruptive during conference - or perhaps laugh where it's not appropriate or - and here is the grandest of them all - be so focused and in tune with the Spirit, that the talks are the only focus and what may be viewed as disruptions by everybody else go unnoticed by the individual who is in tune.  I have been the grouch upset with disruptions, the one who laughs where it's not appropriate . . . unfortunately I have never been the individual who is so focused and so Spiritually in tune that I don't feel the least bit distracted.  That is my fault.  I haven't spiritually prepared to allow myself to remain focused.

          I was impressed at Jenna's willingness to take notes during conference.  I smiled as I watched her expressions - particularly with Todd Christofferson's talk - who made metaphorical reference to the sacrament.  I don't know why Jenna appeared to take it so literally as she wrote: "Bread makes you immortal and a cannibal" - when she finally understood the subject of his talk, she started laughing, and I laughed with her.

          It triggered another memory which didn't have to do with conference, but rather sacredness.  Sunny, my mom and I were gathered around the dining room table.  We honestly weren't even paying attention to whatever Ellen ( who was maybe five) had been watching from the couch.  (As I recall, two of us actually had our backs turned toward the television anyway, so it would have been awkward to watch) We started laughing at whatever the conversation had led us to.

          Ellen stood up and chewed us out, "This is not funny!" she scorned us.  "You shouldn't laugh at this."  We all moved our eyes toward her.  Behind her on the screen was the animated Savior being crucified.  I can guarantee that is NOT what we were laughing at - but in her mind we were being very disrespectful.

          I remember Corey sharing an incident with us about being in his Las Vegas ward.  He said the congregation was singing "God of Our Fathers" in which the third verse goes: "From war's alarms, from deadly pestilence"  only the word "pestilence" is broken up and "pes-ti" reads on the first line while "lence" continues on the second line.  So Corey is singing his heart out and belts out "pesti" and finishes with the first suffix that his mind can think of "cides"  When he realized his error, he was embarrassed and found it silly that his brain would allow him to believe the word "pesticide" would be used in any hymn.

          I personally don't believe that God is an eye-roller.  I think there are many times he is just as amused as we are.  I know there are times that He laughs just as we do.

          While searching for a children's song for primary, I ran across this site that I would like to share.