Perhaps I Have Contributed to Her Happiness After All

         Before Jenna was born I started keeping a journal for her – writing it in first person as though she were writing it – guessing what she was thinking.  I ended up with 10 volumes from 2004 – 2013.  I had stopped printing pages the year that my mom passed.  I continued with scrapbook pages left in the computer and flash drives and continued our first year in Oregon, but then allowed her to take over - which she has discontinued.

Anyway, we have been rereading through her books during this pandemic.  I appreciate having recorded what I did as there is much I have forgotten.  I remember myself having been uptight all of the time – but perhaps not as often as I had believed.  I had always felt blessed with such a happy girl and wanted to help her stay that way – trying hard to stay positive though not always successful and it shows in my writing particularly when her sisters would visit.

I was not so much against her sisters as I was their deranged mother who brought Satan into our lives. I unfortunately accepted his influence and allowed myself to be angry and sad.  At first it was Frances who wanted to be there and Pamprin didn’t want anything to do with us.  I thought of her as a spoiled brat.  Eventually the roles were reversed.  Frances seemed to have given up on life and Pamprin seemed to not like to be with her mother and sister but had asked Roland to pick her up – which I would not have believed if I hadn’t recorded it.  When Jenna was newly born I did not like Pamprin to be around her but when Frances was no longer in the picture, I thought that Pamprin was really cute with Jenna.

Jenna and I enjoyed taking walks.  I’d push her in the stroller or pull her in the wagon until she decided that she could just walk on her own.  The first neighborhood we lived in was loaded with sidewalks.  I have always preferred walking to driving and sidewalks made it easy.

We walked everywhere.  To the store, to the gas station, the school and even to the library – and that was on the other side of a busy street.  It amazes me that we crossed it on foot all the many times that we did.

Jenna loved to explore – still does – and I allowed her to explore in yards of neighbors and taught her to be respectful and had even assisted with discoveries.  I was never in a hurry and so allowed her to take her time.

Jenna had gone to the local elementary school for two and a half years.  Two years of pre-school and half a year of kindergarten. From where we lived South Kearns Elementary was less than a ten minute walk for one who just walked and did not stop to smell every flower, pose with statues, stop for every fire hydrant, and observe snails and other critters.  We always left the house at least a half hour early as it always took more than twenty minutes to get there.  The return home always took more than thirty.

Jenna had a friend whose mom had asked if I could watch her child between when school ended until she came home from work.  Thus I would pick up two girls from kindergarten.  Jenna and Kas had not been friends prior – even when the school year started and I would walk both of them to our house – both sulky because neither one wanted to associate with the other but in time they did become friends who did better with one another on the walk home than at our house.

Kas was high maintenance which nobody (including her mom) could understand.  I had never met another five-year-old that was that pristine.  Everything had to match and be in order.  Jenna had more important things to care about and it was obvious that clothes were not a high priority in her life.

One time we were walking towards our house and the wind was blowing. Both Jenna and Kas pretended that it was blowing so hard that it would send them backward.  I don’t think it took us two hours to get home that day though I do know it was more than forty minutes.  Kas’ mom must have left work early that day for when we finally made it home she was parked in the driveway.  Both Kas and Jenna seemed miffed with me as “I hadn’t allowed them enough time to play together.”  Oh, they had been playing the entire time!  I wasn’t the one that told them to walk backwards and in the direction the wind carried the leaves.

We moved that year to a less developed neighborhood where sidewalks were almost non-existent.  We often walked in the middle of the street as we aimlessly moved through the neighborhood rarely without a destination.  We could walk to the church and trailer park.  No shops within walking distance though we did walk to the gas station on occasion.  Jenna rode the bus to school.

When first grade started Jenna was attending another school – one that I had to drive to.  I would drop her off each morning and return for her in first grade.  I was left alone in the parking lot as I waited for her to cross the field with her friend Isaac.  They were always the last two – never in a hurry.  Fortunately, neither was I.  I enjoyed the solitude of being the only one left in the parking lot.  We were both happy and at peace.

By second grade we were carpooling.  I would pick her classmate up in the morning and his mom would pick them up after school which worked out well for all of us except Jenna because her classmate’s mom was always in a hurry and Jenna wasn’t able to dawdle for more than a year.  But her classmate moved and I was responsible for getting Jenna after school. Sometimes I was in a hurry because I was also dealing with my mom who had dementia.

I think by allowing Jenna to explore and not being in a hurry, I have contributed to her happiness.  Some parents deprive their children from being children by saying “don’t” and “no” more often than they say, “yes” “take your time”.