Memories Through the Grief

 

unfortunately somewhat of a short post.  unfortunate because of lack of contact.

 

               Before starting my senior year in high school I had gone to San Francisco to visit my Grandma Mary.  Uncle Bruce picked me up at the airport.  I hadn’t seen him for quite some time and wasn’t even certain that it was him.  I got in the car with him anyway.

         I remember spending one day with his wife and son.  They had two cats.  I remember Joe had used two different methods of discipline one for each cat.  I also remember holding him when he was a baby.

         When Jaime was two or three she received a child sleeping bag from one of the neighbors.  Bruce was visiting my mom and I happened to have the sleeping bag in the car.  I was having problems rolling it up and asked Bruce if he could show me as I knew he was an experienced camper.  Jaime unrolled the bed at least twice while he was there.  I think she thought it was a game.

         I remember my other uncle having an upright piano in his house.  It had been painted bright orange.

         I remember having listened to his record collection without realizing that it was his. He had served as a police officer and said the mission district was his least favorite.  I remember Grandma having put me on the train at the mission underground.  I got off at a station above ground.  I remember meeting my uncle at the transport system in Lafayette. I spent a Sunday with the family.  I do not recall our interaction with one another.

        When my uncle returned me to the train station in Lafayette he gave me specific instructions not to go upstairs once I arrived at the mission but to wait for grandma to come and get me.  I related this to my mom after my trip was over.  My smiled at the thought on how I was to wait underground for a little old lady to come and save me.

         I met my cousin’s wife when we had gone to Salem for a convention.  Our visit with them was an hour or so.  Same with the convention. Richard, Jaime and I were the only non-staff who attended.  We won the two door prizes that were offered.  They had tons of food and told us to take as much as we wanted.  I called my cousin and his wife and gave the address and told them to bring containers.  They did not come. And we had a three hour drive so we didn’t take any food. What a waste.

         My mom seemed to be close with each of her brothers.  I do not believe they were close to each other.

A sense of grief

 

               I have twelve cousins – eight on my dad’s side and four on my mom’s.  My parents are each the eldest in their families.  Dad has a brother two years younger and baby sister (they are about twelve years apart).  My mom has two brothers.  All of my dad’s family lived in the Salt Lake area except for the few years that my Uncle and Aunt lived in Denver for a couple of years – that could be a different post and was several decades in the past.

         My mom’s family lived in different parts of northern California.  My mom’s first brother and his wife had three children – a boy and two girls.  The youngest brother and his wife had adopted a boy.  We had visited our cousins on occasion but didn’t know much about them beyond their names. And even with that one I am not certain of his given name.  I had thought it was Joshua and they changed it to Josiah.  He went by Joe so I am not sure what is was. I am five years older than the oldest of my cousins on my mom’s side.  None of us are close.

         The eldest cousin lives in Oregon.  Richard, Jaime and I have visited him and his wife five or six years ago.  That was it.  Our only visit with him as an adult and probably only three when we were in our youth.  I’ve had contact with his youngest sister on facebook but nothing recent – until yesterday.

         My mom and her first brother passed away the same year.  My uncle's children had given us updates about his health. He died shortly after mom had moved into assisted living.  Their youngest brother had come to see mom a few weeks after he passed. She passed four months after he did.

         And yesterday  both of my brothers recived phone messages from San Mateo welfare system – one viewed it as a scam but the other one answered.  The call was to inform them of the passing of our uncle (the youngest of mom's brothers; the one who had visited before mom passed) and as his son (Joe) had passed the year prior. The posterity of his siblings would be the sole heirs of his estate.  Say what?  Steven sent out a text message to us and asked if any of us knew how to get a hold of our cousins.

         I messaged the two who are on facebook.  I felt like a heel not knowing their lives or what their position is toward our late uncle but informing them that not only has he passed but that it has been requested that someone from family assist in matters.  I included the eldest of my cousin’s wife in the conversation as she is on facebook and though my cousin has an account is not on often it at all.  He is in his final stages with Huntington’s and will probably be gone by next year (according to his wife). I have learned of three deaths have happened (or will happen) within the matter of minutes. 

         There were tears in my eyes – for Uncle Bruce was a loner and died alone.  I have no idea when or how Joe passed.  I’m not even close to these people though I do have memories.  Only a few memories.  It was a hodgepodge combination of emotions brought to the surface.  My vision made the messages received blurry.  I was involved in a text conversation with my brothers relating messages I’d received from messenger from my cousins – trying to correct what I’d transcribed before sending it.  I was an emotional wreck. I wish I knew better than I do.

3 anniversarys: fantastic, melancholy and tragic

                My brother no longer posts to his blog but has left MANY detailed posts on his facebook page.  Yesterday was a tribute to mom and some to himself for the grief of her loss.  He said he’d almost forgotten that it was 13 years ago yesterday.  His final note (after providing a detailed account of her final stages of life) was “hearts and wounds heal with time and that life continues moving forward”.

          Am I a terrible person for forgetting when she died?  She passed the day after Richard and I celebrated our 12^th wedding anniversary.  We were married two days prior to the bombing of the twin towers in New York – a day when our nation seemed to pull together to show their support.  A time when Rudy Giuliani cared about his city and seemed to be loved and respected.

          Having mom pass was disheartening, but I don’t think as disheartening as having her forget.  Having her mind in a different world apart from our own reality.  I remember that first week after we had checked her in. I remember watching a health-care worker spoon feeding one of the residents – the way one would a toddler in a high chair.  I was saddened by the sight thinking my mom would be in that position one day.  But she wasn’t.  She passed before going through all the stages.  I was glad of that.  I was happy to not have to see her being spoon fed.  I wasn’t happy that she had passed – but we had all lost her long before then.  Dementia had robbed us all.

          Three anniversaries in a row.  A great one for me and Richard.  A mixed-emotion one for my family.  A devastating one for the nation – though we do have a few positive results – the overall reasoning is just so heartbreaking. 

Restoring Legacies and Treasures

 

Richard and I will often watch BBC’s “The Repair Shop” (here) in which patrons bring their time worn heirlooms to be restored to another time.  It’s great to see so many attached to sentiments in our throw-it-out/replace/upgrade it society.  I don’t recall having any family heirlooms.

My mom had been raised in poorer circumstances with many relics that may not have been considered antiques at the time – certainly not of value either financially or sentimentally.  We threw things away and replaced them – though I remember my brother and I both hoarding “stuff” as sentiments.  Perhaps even now.  But nothing worth restoring . . . I don’t think.

I do have a set of scriptures that belonged to my mother.  The binding on the triple combination is torn in places and many of the pages have definitely seen better days.  But it is a treasure because I see where she has marked certain scriptures and written in the margin.  That for me is a treasure – something I would definitely have restored if I lived in England and could travel to the repair shop more easily than now.

The most interesting thing I think I have seen is a coconut scraper (which I had never even heard of before, but does make sense; just something the average person wouldn’t encounter or have need for) and the most touching has been with the restoration of a painting that survived war.  You can read about (and see the workmanship involved) here for one.  There are others if you would like to research it more.

Thank you to those who have the skills to make the restorations possible and for those who choose to have their legacy live on in these items.  I love to hear their stories.  And I love watching the shared talent of others.

My Church Friend

 It must have happened shortly after

she was taken to the doctor for a

different medication.  I hadn’t seen

her for a few weeks.  I called and left

a message.  I had more than once. 

People were starting to worry.  Her

family hadn’t let us know that she

was gone. 

We could have offered our assistance.  Why

didn’t they tell us she had been called home to

our Heavenly Father?  She passed two

months ago and I am just learning about

it today.  Perhaps the family didn’t know

how to get in touch with us just as we

don’t know how to get in touch with them. 

At least I didn’t.  I didn’t know her for long. 

What an impact she has made.

Watership Fawns

 

              

               Between exit 112 and 110

 I see a couple of deer quite

close to the shoulder of I5 and I

think of the doe who tried to

outrun us in this post and wonder –

do these deer not see the cars as preditors?

  For the most part I have seen fawns – perhaps

teenagers making a dare – going for the most

luscious grass near the shoulder

(which I don’t believe has any vegetation worth the risk) 

I always think of “Watership Down”

only deer instead of rabbits.

car is moving to quickly to take an accurate

picture.  I see them only on the return from

Roseburg – never toward