Freeing Ourselves From the Snares

Warning folks - this post is a long one.  I have been trying to find the right words to convey my thoughts and hope that I have.  I somehow seem to have a big following in Italy - though I can't imagine why.  I know I don't have the greatest sentence structure and my thoughts somehow get clouded. May you have success in comprehending how this is written:

         

          I am so sick of marketing ploys that prey on people’s weaknesses or vanity that should you use said product you will not only look years younger but feel amazing.  There are products for getting rid of wrinkles, bags under the eyes, weight, etc.  One product claims tighter skin just by rolling their magic stone around your face.  It’s like society has conditioned us that if we should have turkey necks, wrinkles, scars, pimples or whatever – we are unworthy to be associating with second class citizens, let alone the first.  We are a disgrace and should feel bad about ourselves because we are so ugly and unworthy to be sharing the same planet as all the beautiful people.

          That is a bit how I viewed the church for so many years – perhaps not the church so much as perhaps some leaders who made it sound as if our being single, without children, without spouse, with addiction, working outside of the home, or heaven forbid, same sex attraction was a sign of weakness and our image wasn’t good enough.  There was the portrayal of being ideal – living up to a “forever family” image.  If we were single or anything else listed above – well, we weren’t on the path of righteousness.  There was something wrong with us.  We were sinners for not having partners (which we had been sealed to in the temple, of course) or any other mentioned above.

          I wasn’t ashamed of being single or family life.  I was born into quite an awesome family.  Mom and dad provided spectacular examples of married life and we were (still are) quite a loving family – why wouldn’t I want that for myself?  I did.  But I wasn’t dating.  I wasn’t going to get sealed in the temple to a man just for the sake of having a temple marriage.  The older I got, the harder it was to sit through “Today’s topic is on the family.  Of course we love the single people and would like to include you . . .” but they never did.  If anything, they pushed me further until I thought, “I don’t even want to get married and live this cookie cutter mold” which evidently doesn’t even exist.  Well, I suppose it does.  It’s rare though.  They did not tell us that as I was growing up.

          But today somebody has finally taken the time to admit that there is diversity.  Not many of us identify with the ideal or fully understand the proclamation (here) that seems to shout “DISCRIMINATION” to so many.  I know I’ve written about this before – several times in fact.  It was the topic on Saturday morning and again on Sunday.  Only we are no longer discriminating or pointing fingers – instead we are saying, “We don’t need the make-up or other fancy products;  we all have flaws and we need to reach out to others and let them know we can and should accept them regardless.  None of us fit into the ideal.

          On Saturday I had gone to the stake center for an RS activity.  Seems each year the attendance is less than the year prior.  I think there were only seven sisters there from our ward.  The theme I would guess was taken from Sharon Eubank’s conference talk (found here) about finding the light in the darkness.  The session started out with a couple of sisters sharing their “hardship” stories.  Slips of paper were passed to each sister with instructions to check boxes of challenges that we had experienced either first hand or within our families.

          The pencil I had been given had lost its led.  I took out a pen and checked three things believing I was doing well having only three challenges myself.  I had misread what I had experienced or close family members or else I would have checked them all – except perhaps “stay at home mom”. I have been and am currently a stay at home mom (for the most part right now anyway) but did not mark it as I never considered that a “challenge”.

          I have been single.  I started my post with that example.

          Blended family – if the blend had included only the boys, it would not have been a problem.  Jaime’s sisters themselves were not a problem.  Their mom was a problem.  A fat thorn in our side for years.  I still have not gotten over the feeling of resentment of having had her in my life.  Nor have I developed any sort of empathy or compassion toward her.  I have deeply enjoyed NOT having her in our lives.

          I know people who are divorced.  People who had gotten sealed in the temple.  People who believed they were headed for the ideal.  I have not witnessed this through my parents or boys but I do have cousins who have done the divorce thing.

          Infertility/Miscarriage -  my mom had two miscarriages and I had a miscarriage/abortion (see here) – I suppose it was a challenge, but it hasn’t haunted me to the point of depression.  I suppose a lot of this comes from my own interpretation and frustration of women in the Bible who somehow think or feel less than a person when it is discovered that she is barren.  I have rolled my eyes at the thought of feeling less than a person because one can not have a child.  I have always thought, “get over yourself . . . there are other things . . .” though I suppose in the Biblical times the women were treated even more inferior than they are today and that was their only purpose for being on the planet.  Oh, how grateful I am that there is more to womanhood than just bearing children.

          I’m not knocking motherhood or feel for those who can’t bear children or go through the process of adoption (I can empathize with those who try to adopt and the heartache they feel when others seem to have more control than do the couple) but there are certainly more a woman can contribute to society than just what takes place in her womb.  There are some woman who don’t want to become mothers.  There are many woman who should not be mothers. 

          Incarceration – Nobody in my immediate family has been in a physical prison though each of us have dealt with a prison either mentally, emotionally or spiritually.   Often those prisons can be more devastating.  It puts a strain on relationships especially where Satan is involved because much too often it is hard to pinpoint in which the prison walls started to build up.

          Same sex attraction – I compared it to peanut allergies in this post.  No one chooses to have peanut allergies.  It may be controlled as much as sexual attraction.  People don’t choose who their attracted to, it just happens.  Denying it or rather trying to doesn’t make it less true.

          Addiction - I have never been addicted to those mentioned on the list but I do know that sugar is an addiction and have had a hard time trying to control my sugar intake.  My mom had a hard time with it and never gave it up completely though she was diabetic.  Most of the people I know that have addictions are sugar addictions.  Perhaps I have to have a sugar addiction to have compassion towards those who abuse drug or alcohol though I have made the choice not to rely on those myself.  I don’t even like taking prescribed medicines in fear that I may become addicted to those.

          Depression is a big one.  There are different degrees of depression.  Some go through mood changes constantly.  Some become drug dependant because of that.  I have seen it in my late daughter-in-law and her mother – though I don’t suspect she had always been that way.  I understand that she is getting worse.  I was told that she may be committed.

          Chronic illness or injury – that could also be my late daughter-in-law.  She had psychological issues as well, but I have been told that she and two of her sibs all used to get seizures.  Each of them died at the age of 32.  That brings us to death of loved ones.  

          I have always had a positive reaction to death.  It happens.  I have never lost children and of course the death will affect me. I can’t say for sure that I will be/would be stronger than Biff’s mother-in-law (see here) but as of now I believe I wouldn’t dwell on it nor would I post a death date reminder indicating how many years ago it happened because there are people who do it on facebook right now (Biff’s mother-in-law for one) and it bugs me that they seem to be dwelling on the death rather than focusing on life.  I realize for some people it is therapy, for others, I think it has the opposite effect. I think this attitude will stay with me should Jenna go before me.

          I did have a problem with being a working mom when I knew the boys would benefit more if I were to remain at home.  I wish I had been there for them that first year.

          Being a stay-at-home mom has not been a challenge for me personally, though I know there are some mothers who feel like they need a break and would like at least one day to themselves and that is understandable.  But it certainly does not fit into yesterday’s definition of the ideal.

          Part member or part active families.  I think often times there are so many who just seem to go through the motions of going to church each week, perhaps accepting assignments that call for serving a day other than Sunday.  Each of my boys has been married in the temple.  Two of my sibs.  All happy marriages.  Corey was not married in the temple.  Corey is not temple worthy according to the code. He is happily married and lives the gospel though not through the church.  We are all happy.  We are all close to God. 

Patrick and Sunny have raised all their children in the same manner as mom and dad had raised us.  All four of their children have been through the temple.  The oldest two have been sealed to their spouses in the temple.  Kayla and Bill are raising their three who are still in elementary school.  I’m not as close to the boys as I’d like to be.  We are nowhere near the ideal of where my sibs are.  My oldest is living out a somewhat soap opera life. But that’s a post within itself.

Financial issues – oh, this is the one I can relate to the best.  We had three boys on missions unable to financially support any of them.  But how blessed we have been.  Though we have experienced state, church and family welfare, we have never been homeless.  I have always lived in a house.  That has been a blessing that I perhaps had taken for granted at times. I feel for those who are struggling to find a home, to keep a home, for those who can’t seem to make ends meet no matter how hard they try.  I don’t fully relate as I have never been that far gone.

My sister, Kayla, had a learning disability.  Her oldest also struggles with some learning concepts.  Each of them have a powerful faith despite their struggles.  I have always envied that.  My two oldest boys seem to have learning challenges as well.

I have never had to dote on someone who was physically challenged nor have I been a challenge to others to the degree of being totally dependent on others, but I suppose if I don’t take care of myself I could end up headed in that direction.   I’m definitely not as spry as Jenna and I think she gets frustrated with that at times.  I have NEVER had good sleeping habits. I know that my lack of a proper sleep has contributed to my moods and my physical well being.

Later on Saturday evening, Roland took Jenna and I up to Roseburg to see a concert.  We had programmed our destination into the GPS which had gotten us around the coast earlier this month.  But sometimes when we have gone to Roseburg, our GPS somehow manages to take us astray.  Saturday happened to be one of those nights.  It took us in the direction that we needed to go but had us stop at a fork in the road which supposedly marked our destination.  It was not our destination but Roland believed he could see a building he thought was where we needed to be. 

Though we could see the building in the distance, the path we were on was not going to get us there and so Roland turned around and programmed the address into Google (which is maybe what we should have done in the first place).  As he drove toward our new destination we saw a deer running fast.  Roland announced that the deer was going to try to outrun him and slowed down.  The deer jumped high to leap over the fence, but not high enough.  Her neck got caught in the barb wire.  Jenna and I were horrified.  Jenna asked Roland to do something.  Roland didn’t believe there was anything he could do as the struggling deer would kick at him were he to try and assist.

Initially I thought this might make a good metaphor for some of our struggling youth whose frontal cortex part of the brain hasn’t fully developed and they think they can outrun what they may foresee as harmful.  But after Sunday’s lesson I realized that the deer represents all of us.  Each of have (or has had) something that we have struggled with and some of us feel we are being hung by our necks and are struggling to get lose from the pain.  Some of us watch helplessly as we our loved ones fight to become free.  Some get defensive when/if we try to help them and perhaps it’s not our place on how to make it right.  We need to pray for inspiration on how we can help guide others as well as ourselves to free ourselves from the pain and stay in tune with the Spirit.  We need to have a witness to ourselves that we may know how we should go about making amends and finding peace that will feel us and help us see the light. We somehow each need to go through our own personal crucifixion.

When Roland opened the door of the car, the doe struggled harder until finally she was free and took off into an orchard (won’t the owners of the orchard be thrilled?) Thus it is possible to escape the darkness and find the light.  We may have scars, but we will be stronger for it.