Warning folks - this post is a long one. I have been trying to find the right words to convey my thoughts and hope that I have. I somehow seem to have a big following in Italy - though I can't imagine why. I know I don't have the greatest sentence structure and my thoughts somehow get clouded. May you have success in comprehending how this is written:
I am so sick of
marketing ploys that prey on people’s weaknesses or vanity that should you use
said product you will not only look years younger but feel amazing. There are products for getting rid of
wrinkles, bags under the eyes, weight, etc.
One product claims tighter skin just by rolling their magic stone around
your face. It’s like society has
conditioned us that if we should have turkey necks, wrinkles, scars, pimples or
whatever – we are unworthy to be associating with second class citizens, let
alone the first. We are a disgrace and should
feel bad about ourselves because we are so ugly and unworthy to be sharing the
same planet as all the beautiful people.
That is a bit how
I viewed the church for so many years – perhaps not the church so much as
perhaps some leaders who made it sound as if our being single, without
children, without spouse, with addiction, working outside of the home, or
heaven forbid, same sex attraction was a sign of weakness and our image wasn’t
good enough. There was the portrayal of
being ideal – living up to a “forever family” image. If we were single or anything else listed
above – well, we weren’t on the path of righteousness. There was something wrong with us. We were sinners for not having partners
(which we had been sealed to in the temple, of course) or any other mentioned
above.
I wasn’t ashamed
of being single or family life. I was
born into quite an awesome family. Mom
and dad provided spectacular examples of married life and we were (still are)
quite a loving family – why wouldn’t I want that for myself? I did.
But I wasn’t dating. I wasn’t
going to get sealed in the temple to a man just for the sake of having a temple
marriage. The older I got, the harder it
was to sit through “Today’s topic is on the family. Of course we love the single people and would
like to include you . . .” but they never did.
If anything, they pushed me further until I thought, “I don’t even want
to get married and live this cookie cutter mold” which evidently doesn’t even exist. Well, I suppose it does. It’s rare though. They did not tell us that as I was growing
up.
But today
somebody has finally taken the time to admit that there is diversity. Not many of us identify with the ideal or
fully understand the proclamation (here) that seems to shout “DISCRIMINATION”
to so many. I know I’ve written about
this before – several times in fact. It
was the topic on Saturday morning and again on Sunday. Only we are no longer discriminating or
pointing fingers – instead we are saying, “We don’t need the make-up or other
fancy products; we all have flaws and we
need to reach out to others and let them know we can and should accept them regardless.
None of us fit into the ideal.
On Saturday I had
gone to the stake center for an RS activity.
Seems each year the attendance is less than the year prior. I think there were only seven sisters there
from our ward. The theme I would guess
was taken from Sharon Eubank’s conference talk (found here) about finding the
light in the darkness. The session
started out with a couple of sisters sharing their “hardship” stories. Slips of paper were passed to each sister
with instructions to check boxes of challenges that we had experienced either
first hand or within our families.
The pencil I had
been given had lost its led. I took out
a pen and checked three things believing I was doing well having only three
challenges myself. I had misread what I
had experienced or close family
members or else I would have checked them all – except perhaps “stay at home
mom”. I have been and am currently a stay at home mom (for the most part right
now anyway) but did not mark it as I never considered that a “challenge”.
I have been
single. I started my post with that
example.
Blended family –
if the blend had included only the boys, it would not have been a problem. Jaime’s sisters themselves were not a
problem. Their mom was a problem. A fat thorn in our side for years. I still have not gotten over the feeling of
resentment of having had her in my life.
Nor have I developed any sort of empathy or compassion toward her. I have deeply enjoyed NOT having her in our
lives.
I know people who
are divorced. People who had gotten
sealed in the temple. People who
believed they were headed for the ideal.
I have not witnessed this through my parents or boys but I do have
cousins who have done the divorce thing.
Infertility/Miscarriage
- my mom had two miscarriages and I had
a miscarriage/abortion (see here) – I suppose it was a challenge, but it hasn’t
haunted me to the point of depression. I
suppose a lot of this comes from my own interpretation and frustration of women
in the Bible who somehow think or feel less than a person when it is discovered
that she is barren. I have rolled my
eyes at the thought of feeling less than a person because one can not have a
child. I have always thought, “get over
yourself . . . there are other things . . .” though I suppose in the Biblical
times the women were treated even more inferior than they are today and that
was their only purpose for being on the planet.
Oh, how grateful I am that there is more to womanhood than just bearing
children.
I’m not knocking
motherhood or feel for those who can’t bear children or go through the process
of adoption (I can empathize with those who try to adopt and the heartache they
feel when others seem to have more control than do the couple) but there are
certainly more a woman can contribute to society than just what takes place in
her womb. There are some woman who don’t
want to become mothers. There are many
woman who should not be mothers.
Incarceration –
Nobody in my immediate family has been in a physical prison though each of us
have dealt with a prison either mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Often those prisons can be more
devastating. It puts a strain on
relationships especially where Satan is involved because much too often it is
hard to pinpoint in which the prison walls started to build up.
Same sex
attraction – I compared it to peanut allergies in this post. No one chooses to have peanut allergies. It may be controlled as much as sexual
attraction. People don’t choose who
their attracted to, it just happens.
Denying it or rather trying to doesn’t make it less true.
Addiction - I
have never been addicted to those mentioned on the list but I do know that
sugar is an addiction and have had a hard time trying to control my sugar
intake. My mom had a hard time with it
and never gave it up completely though she was diabetic. Most of the people I know that have
addictions are sugar addictions.
Perhaps I have to have a sugar addiction to
have compassion towards those who abuse drug or alcohol though I have made the
choice not to rely on those myself. I
don’t even like taking prescribed medicines in fear that I may become addicted
to those.
Depression is a
big one. There are different degrees of
depression. Some go through mood changes
constantly. Some become drug dependant because
of that. I have seen it in my late
daughter-in-law and her mother – though I don’t suspect she had always been
that way. I understand that she is
getting worse. I was told that she may
be committed.
Chronic illness
or injury – that could also be my late daughter-in-law. She had psychological issues as well, but I
have been told that she and two of her sibs all used to get seizures. Each of them died at the age of 32. That brings us to death of loved ones.
I have always
had a positive reaction to death. It
happens. I have never lost children and
of course the death will affect me. I can’t say for sure that I will be/would
be stronger than Biff’s mother-in-law (see here) but as of now I believe I
wouldn’t dwell on it nor would I post a death date reminder indicating how many
years ago it happened because there are people who do it on facebook right now
(Biff’s mother-in-law for one) and it bugs me that they seem to be dwelling on
the death rather than focusing on life. I
realize for some people it is therapy, for others, I think it has the opposite
effect. I think this attitude will stay with me should Jenna go before me.
I did have a
problem with being a working mom when I knew the boys would benefit more if I
were to remain at home. I wish I had been
there for them that first year.
Being a
stay-at-home mom has not been a challenge for me personally, though I know there are some
mothers who feel like they need a break and would like at least one day to
themselves and that is understandable.
But it certainly does not fit into yesterday’s definition of the ideal.
Part member or
part active families. I think often
times there are so many who just seem to go through the motions of going to
church each week, perhaps accepting assignments that call for serving a day
other than Sunday. Each of my boys has
been married in the temple. Two of my
sibs. All happy marriages. Corey was not married in the temple. Corey is not temple worthy according to the
code. He is happily married and lives the gospel though not through the
church. We are all happy. We are all close to God.
Patrick and Sunny have
raised all their children in the same manner as mom and dad had raised us. All four of their children have been through
the temple. The oldest two have been
sealed to their spouses in the temple.
Kayla and Bill are raising their three who are still in elementary
school. I’m not as close to the boys as
I’d like to be. We are nowhere near the
ideal of where my sibs are. My oldest
is living out a somewhat soap opera life. But that’s a post within itself.
Financial issues – oh,
this is the one I can relate to the best.
We had three boys on missions unable to financially support any of
them. But how blessed we have been. Though we have experienced state, church and
family welfare, we have never been homeless.
I have always lived in a house.
That has been a blessing that I perhaps had taken for granted at times.
I feel for those who are struggling to find a home, to keep a home, for those
who can’t seem to make ends meet no matter how hard they try. I don’t fully relate as I have never been
that far gone.
My sister, Kayla, had
a learning disability. Her oldest also
struggles with some learning concepts.
Each of them have a powerful faith despite their struggles. I have always envied that. My two oldest boys seem to have learning
challenges as well.
I have never had to
dote on someone who was physically challenged nor have I been a challenge to
others to the degree of being totally dependent on others, but I suppose if I
don’t take care of myself I could end up headed in that direction. I’m definitely not as spry as Jenna and I
think she gets frustrated with that at times.
I have NEVER had good sleeping habits. I know that my lack of a proper
sleep has contributed to my moods and my physical well being.
Later on Saturday
evening, Roland took Jenna and I up to Roseburg to see a concert. We had programmed our destination into the
GPS which had gotten us around the coast earlier this month. But sometimes when we have gone to Roseburg,
our GPS somehow manages to take us astray.
Saturday happened to be one of those nights. It took us in the direction that we needed to
go but had us stop at a fork in the road which supposedly marked our
destination. It was not our destination
but Roland believed he could see a building he thought was where we needed to
be.
Though we could see
the building in the distance, the path we were on was not going to get us there
and so Roland turned around and programmed the address into Google (which is
maybe what we should have done in the first place). As he drove toward our new destination we saw
a deer running fast. Roland announced
that the deer was going to try to outrun him and slowed down. The deer jumped high to leap over the fence,
but not high enough. Her neck got caught
in the barb wire. Jenna and I were
horrified. Jenna asked Roland to do
something. Roland didn’t believe there
was anything he could do as the struggling deer would kick at him were he to
try and assist.
Initially I thought
this might make a good metaphor for some of our struggling youth whose frontal
cortex part of the brain hasn’t fully developed and they think they can outrun what
they may foresee as harmful. But after
Sunday’s lesson I realized that the deer represents all of us. Each of have (or has had) something that we
have struggled with and some of us feel we are being hung by our necks and are
struggling to get lose from the pain.
Some of us watch helplessly as we our loved ones fight to become
free. Some get defensive when/if we try
to help them and perhaps it’s not our place on how to make it right. We need to pray for inspiration on how we can
help guide others as well as ourselves to free ourselves from the pain and stay
in tune with the Spirit. We need to have
a witness to ourselves that we may know how we should go about making amends
and finding peace that will feel us and help us see the light. We somehow each
need to go through our own personal crucifixion.
When Roland opened the
door of the car, the doe struggled harder until finally she was free and took
off into an orchard (won’t the owners of the orchard be thrilled?) Thus it is
possible to escape the darkness and find the light. We may have scars, but we will be stronger
for it.
