It’s been almost 40 years since Jill
and her family moved out of my mom’s neighborhood. They are the first family that I remember
having moved.
It’s only been in the last couple of
months that I got in touch with Jill through facebook. She has since moved back
to Utah. I told her about mom and made arrangements for us to visit.
And so the other day Jill drove to
mom’s house and we visited for a while.
She told me how she and mom had spent many a days visting at each
other’s houses. And made it known (for
the first time) that her youngest had had a crush on me when we were
younger. Really?! Because I had had a crush on him and wasn’t
aware that he had felt the same way until Jill took us to lunch.
I think the greatest thing was
watching mom’s recognition when Jill first arrived – like nothing had
changed. But time has changed us
all. And mom didn’t remember doing lunch
once we left the restaurant.
This is a picture of the two
kindergarten classes, the principal and the two kindergarten teachers. It is the only colored class photo in my
possession. The rest are black and white
squares. But all the “class pictures” that
I have are not just class but entire grade. I like is that the picture included everyone
in my grade – and not just the class I attended.
I don’t know if mom wrote the names on
the back of this particular photo. I
forgot to scan them in if she did. But I
actually do remember. 45 years. 53 faces.
And I seriously am able to put a name to 43 of them. Not just first names, but last names as well.
Give me some time and I can get at least 6 more.
We had a lot of Lindas and a lot of
(last name) Nelsons – though I’m sure each was spelled differently. And I think Paul looks like a cut out. But they didn’t crop and Photoshop and insert
back then. So probably not.
I’m a little embarrassed at not having
recognized my neighbor from across the street – I don’t think it’s the best
picture of him. But I was able to pick
him out because of the sweater. 5 boys
in the family. I think each of them wore
it. I think it might have even been
passed on to the grandkids. That would
really be some super-strength fabric though.
I don’t know what happened to Mrs.
Cannon. I always wished that my teacher had been Mrs. Flinders. But she did not finish out the year with
us. Nor did Miss Nelson who followed
her. No, my kindergarten year
unfortunately ended with a Miss Wamsley – I’m quite certain it was Miss. Can’t imagine any guy purposely marrying that
old dragon. She was so bad that even the parents complained about her.
I wish Jenna could experience the
stability that seemed to exist in my own childhood. I suppose I am able to put first and last
names with so many of the faces is because I actually graduated high school
with most of them. Oh, there were the
occasional moves – but not like today.
When I was younger, I could step outside
my house at any given time of the day, and there was always at least twelve
other kids outside for me to play with.
Jenna doesn’t have that over here.
There are very few children in our neighborhood. And there are only a few on the street who stay
for more than four or five years. I hope
we will be able to move again – but because we want to – not because we have
to.
May I continue with this memory and
not ever have to burden my kids with a memory disorder – because it’s rough.
Roland has often told me about
different dreams that he’s had and always concludes with, “What do you think it
means?”
Dreams are just that. Some are bizaare. Some are wonderful. Some you hope to never “dream” again. And perhaps some do have meaning. Truthfully, I don’t place too much value in
dreams. I think that is how God
communicated to his children at one time – and perhaps still does to some –
though I think the methods of communication have broadened sufficiently since
then. My personal opinion is that, overall, dreams really don’t mean a whole
lot.
Still, I often have crazy dreams that
I will write down or share just because they are so bizarre. And sometimes I ask myself what would have
caused me to dream it. But I never go
into depth about the possible symbolism that may (or may not) exist.
Last night I dreamed my nephew-in-law
was getting married. The strange part
about my dream is that I don’t think it was to my niece – though I don’t
remember getting a good look at the bride’s face. But physically she looked too short and not
quite so thin as my niece, Ellen. Actually I don’t recall remembering any of
the wedding party – except for my niece (Ellen’s sister) who is currently in
junior high right now.
I believe the marriage itself was in
the temple. I know I watched them get
married. And suddenly everybody was
changed into picnic casual – except for me and my niece – though her skirt and
vest were a lot more casual than the white strapless dress that I was wearing –
a dress that was pretty, but one that I personally would NEVER wear in real
life. Not in front of others
anyway. Not to a picnic. And certainly not to the temple.
And suddenly my thoughts turned to
weddings past and things that had been missed out on. I tried to shut it out. I was tired.
It was early and I wanted to sleep still. But I finally got up and turned on the
computer and started reading through many of the comments left on this post.
So often we allow ourselves to feel
unloved, useless or unwhole because of certain comments made in society or by
the Church. We are told that we need to
fit into this perfect mold, this compact Mormon box – and if you have feminist
thoughts or same sex attraction or if you don’t go to the temple a certain
amount of days or if you wear open-toed shoes without hose to Church or if you
don’t volunteer for at least every other canning assignment – well, you just
don’t fit into the box and you need to repent and turn your life around. And if you don’t, you are not worthy of the “Mormon
Box” Club.
The young women of the church are
taught values.One of these values is
Individual Worth. This is defined as individuals, each with her own divine
mission which she will strive to fulfill – “for the worth of souls is great in
the sight of God”.
I don’t believe he is looking for carbon
copies but expects us to be true to Him but also true to ourselves – even though
sometimes the two may seem to conflict.We still have to find what makes us happy and stay true to who we are
meant to be regardless of path others may follow or think that we should
follow.No matter how we act or what we
do or who we are or how we dress – we will NEVER PLEASE ALL PEOPLE – we all
have our own differences, our own personal taste, our own individual
worth.It’s important that we remain TRUE
TO OURSELVES.We have all been given the
same guidelines but are still free to make our own choices and receive our own
personal revelations.
And sometimes these personal revelations
may conflict with the teachings of the Church – or our own interpretations of
those teachings anyway. My brother gave
up his membership to be with his partner – someone he would like to be with not
just on this earth life but throughout all eternity. It is something he
pondered about and struggled with for a long long time. And he knows (as well as many others) that the
decision made was right for him. But the
path that he’s on may not be the right one for all homosexuals. He’s on a divine mission with several bumps
in the road. God has given him that
unique gift of smoothing the path that others may follow. He is a pioneer.
Neither Corey nor his partner chose to feel same sex attraction. Really, why would an individual
subject himself (or herserlf) to choose being shunned, misunderstood, or have
suicidal thoughts because he or she does not measure up to Club Society or the Mormon
Box? Why would one choose to be closeted
and live life in fear because the feelings and emotions that one may experience
don’t jive with what is being taught. If
one does decide to come out of the closet, he or she risks being rejected by
friends, family members, society . . . because why? Because there is that desire to be true to
oneself and to be accepted and not ridiculed for not measuring up? So they are not entititled to the same
blessings anymore? Seriously? Is that really how God works?
Stake Conference is in just a few
weeks. It is most likely that a new
president will be announced. My husband
may be considered for the position – perhaps NOT as the stake president but a
counselor maybe – though it is the president who will have to pray and find
revelation to call his own counselors – Roland is being considered.
And here I am not wanting to jeopardize
his enthusiasm but still feeling desire for Corey and others to feel more than
just a sense of belonging verbally (though many don’t even get that) – but to
continue with membership if they so desire – to be able to take the sacrament
again. Especially when they are so
strong in the gospel in Spirit – but their names have been removed, their
membership diminished. And still there are many who remain closeted and hope
the feelings will go away, that they don’t bring shame to anyone, who try to
live up to the Church’s expectations but are not happy with themselves.
It wasn’t until after I returned from my temple
recommend interview that I questioned myself – had I answered the questions honestly? I had at the time that I gave them. It came so automatic that I hadn’t questioned
it at the time of the interview. But I
suppose I do sympathize with a group whose teachings are different from what is
taught in the LDS Church.
Thus far I haven’t acted upon it – such as
campaigning for their cause by going door to door or holding picket signs or
what have you – and probably wouldn’t because of Roland’s position. He doesn’t have the same understanding that I
have acquired. And I did have to acquire
it – for I once agreed with every single message I’d received from the leaders
of the church and would ask no questions.
Now I view the homosexuals as a fellow Christian trying to save her
Jewish friends during Hitler’s reign.
Will society make the homosexuals put
bands upon their clothes – similar to the star of David (perhaps a rainbow –
God’s sign of promise) – so that we will know?
Will we all the sudden treat our family and friends like lower class
citizens – as though they are less important?
Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. The worth of ALL souls not just straight
souls, not just green souls, not just female souls . . . . fortunately God’s worth
is so much greater than that of men. For
God is not the one who labels us and classifies us into categories of tolerance. We are all worth more to Him than men can
even comprehend.
Recently (on Youtube) I watched excerpts
of Oprah’s interview with Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka and viewed it as
such a sweet relationship and thought of what a remarkable love went in to
planning their offspring and how incredibly blessed they all are. And yet they have surely received criticism
by many who refuse to understand, who refuse to see the miracle that has taken
place between them, who view them with Pharisee eyes. I really appreciate Oprah’s
“ah’hah” moment that she shares in the last 15 seconds of this video.
A straight couple can have an unwanted baby
on accident, but a gay couple has to plan and save and jump through legal
hurdles to have a child, and so I would think there would be more love invested
in that child (or children) We’re
people. We are all people. We’re not star bellied sneetches – though many
of us act like we are.