Flooded With Thoughts . . . again

After two weeks

my head is

full of thoughts

again. 

Granted they are

different thoughts

but still enough

swimming through

my mind and

it’s overflowing with

new thoughts

new ideas

unlike the ones

before this

month started. 

Thoughts about

my mom’s

farewell

departure and

about the change

in song and

why and how

happy I was that

Joh got to sing “Smile”

instead of

“Embraceable You”

which evidently was

mom’s favorite, but

I like “Smile” better

and I love Joh’s

voice and he gave

such an awesome

introduction as to

why he was

singing it.  He

didn’t say that 

“Embraceable You” is

not acceptable music to

sing in the chapel.

I think Corey

was upset, but I

quite enjoyed it. 

I’m certain that

my mom did too.

Angels Come in all Shapes and Sizes

Many of the staff members referred to him as “the Lady Killer” which I thought was a euphemism for womanizer.  Until he started telling me of his other “love interests” who had each passed away (and now mom) I didn’t realize that “Lady Killer” was really a metaphor for “the Angel of Death” I asked him if he was.  He just laughed.

He said there was one he developed an interest in before mom – but she wasn’t ready to die and chose not to go with him.  But when he found my mom he found her true beauty.  They were inseparable – until the fall . . .

He knew she was dying.  And Madge knew.  The only two residents that are fully aware and haven’t seemed to slip into any kind of dementia stage.  Apparently they had both been in other facilities but felt overwhelmed and asked the family to put them somewhere smaller.

Madge’s family had put her there due to her constant falling.  She knows the code.  She says all one has to do is stand and watch and they can figure it out.  They can if their minds work like hers does.  But even Harold’s is slipping.  He’s still sharp.  And he cares deeply for my mom.  He’s also been aware that it was time to let go.

He is an angel – he made mom so happy.  He was a godsend - watching not over mom – but several of the residence.  Pulling the cord for them to call for assistance when needed.  Watching out for others.  Helping others feel better about themselves.

Like Yoda, he needs an assistance to help him walk. He uses a walker with built in seat.  Beneath his seat he stores things such as pictures and dog treats.  He used to store candy but was told to get rid of it after the fall.  When mom was found on the floor with a blood count of 399.  It wasn’t Harold’s fault. But it wasn’t known at the time.

I don’t know what his true height is.  I suspect that even if he was straightened out, he’d still be shorter than mom.  Corey made the comment that he just didn’t think Harold was someone that mom would choose to hang with pre dementia.

The family would like to thank you, Harold.  You made my mom happy.  She really did like living there. You truly are an angel.

Indefinitely

My brothers Patrick and Corey have each taken a leave of absence from their jobs.  Since she fell, all four of mom’s children have been spending several hours with her – though I’m quite certain that I have given her the least. I am the only one of her children who has not stayed the night.  (She had requested that she not be left alone)

Patrick was with her all day Sunday – the first day of the month.  And Kayla and I were there on Labor Day.  I spent eight hours on Tuesday and Thursday.  Unfortunately I think she was alone on Wednesday from morning til mid afternoon.

I had gone to a funeral that day.  I’d gone to the hospital afterward but mom was in emergency surgery.  The doctors were trying to save her legs.  I had to go get Jenna before the surgery was over.  But other family members had arrived when mom returned from surgery to her hospital room.

She was full of conversation and smiles according visiting with family members.  She talked about the summer party and the sunset that they all saw.  Everyone said they had a really good visit.  Sunny told me that I should return. 

Jenna and I left the house on Wednesday but traffic was horrible. I didn’t return to the hospital until Thursday.  She had many visitors that day.  I did mention that on this post

Thursday night she was moved to a larger room.  All four of her children gathered around her on Friday morning and we had fun.  She smiled. Laughed.  We made plans.  When Corey asked her favorite hymn, she mischievously said that it was a secret.

We were told she would be in her hospice room for 48 hours.  But the social worker was concerned about whether we’d be able to move her during the weekend.  She really did want to go home. Perhaps it would be better to transfer her to Alpine Ridge on a weekday.  Friday.  And so it was done.  Kayla and I were with her at the hospital until she was moved.  And Corey and Patrick met her at Alpine Ridge.

She hasn’t eaten over a week now.  Her breath is slow and raspy.  Her pulse goes up and down.  She is still hanging on.  And the staff at Alpine Ridge (actually, it’s Alta Ridge) has been so good to us.  They love my mom.  They want for all of us to be comfortable. 

Last night I took some Aleve.  My back has been hurting and I have not slept well. All the ideas that I had for posts have vanished – at least the ones in my head.  There were some drafts that I was able to post.  There are some thoughts that I saved into documents.  All else not written down has disappeared.  I am numb.

Kayla, who is normally a rock, is an emotional wreck.  And I, who always produces more tears than Alice (from Wonderland) am a pillar for a change.  Though the events have made both Kalya and I somewhat flakey.  I think Patrick is ready to move the both of us in as mom’s room becomes available.  

Corey and Joh decided it would be okay if none of mom's children spent last night as they both believed that there were plenty from the other side who were with her. They were still with her when we arrived this morning and watched mom fight for her last breath. I would have posted this entry to my blog this afternoon had my keyboard been working.  My mom has since passed.  I hope that she’s dancing with daddy.

Three More Books

         Often when I check out books from the library, it will be with the intention of proof reading materials that Jenna might enjoy.  Occasionally I’ll check out books that I know she has absolutely no interest in but might interest me.  I generally read young fiction because I don’t have time for wordy adult novels.

I still have not read Watt Key’s Alabama Moon, but I did just finish Fourmile.  Loved the book.  Easy reading (finished it in less than two weeks – even with Jenna’s constant interruptions) and good for imagination.

         I’m guessing Foster (who tells the story) is an eleven year old boy who lives with his mom on the farm (Fourmile) that was his dad’s dream.  Only his dad had died the year before.

Foster has a dog named Joe who came to him right after his father died. 

He hates his mom’s social interest, Dax. 

When Foster starts painting the fence that surrounds the property, he develops a huge interest in a stranger named Gary Conway.

         The book is very well written.  I really like Watt Key’s style.  He brings a flavor of Alabama to the reader and an ability to feel what Foster feels and see the things he sees.  I really appreciated having the same sense as Foster.  And how he sums up the story in the last chapter.  I especially like his last two lines about memories. So profound.  I already turned the book in and so do not have the exact quote.

        

         Jenna and I finished reading a book called “The One and Only Ivan” by Katherine Applegate.  Fantastic book.  Also Easy Reading.  For the most part we read at night before she went to sleep.

         I may have mentioned it before, but I tend to get into books a lot better when they are told in first person – even if that first person happens to be a gorilla.  Allows me understand better how the main character views things and what is being felt than when narrated in third person.

Ivan is a silverback gorilla who lives at the Exit 8 Big Top Mall and Video Arcade.  The story is told from his point of view. 

Ivan was captured in captivity and purchased for display to attract and draw crowds and drivers passing on the highway.  He has friends, but does not know if other gorillas even exist.

His best friends are Stella, an elephant, and Bob, a stray dog.  He also has a human friend named Julia.  She gives him crayons and other art supplies and he draws and his owner sells his pictures to tourists who will pay outrageous prices.

When Stella gets to old and out of shape to perform her tricks, the circus owner brings in another elephant named Ruby.  Stella tells Ivan about the zoo and says that is where Ruby needs to be.  She believes the humans treat animals better at the zoo than at the Big Top.  She makes Ivan promise that he will find a way to get Ruby away from Big Top.

Okay, I guess it’s a little far fetched.  There really was an Ivan and a Big Top mall and when the mall went bankrupt the real Ivan ended up at the zoo.  So the book is based on an actual character.  But it’s not like Katherine Applegate was able to sit down and have an actual interview with Ivan. 

I like and appreciate the imagination of the author – who of course doesn’t really know Ivan’s story, but has made one up.  Jenna and I both LOVED this book.

         When we finished we moved onto Wonder by RJ Palacio.  It is about a 5^th child who has a face deformity and about to enter public school for the first time.  Jenna keeps on asking what kind of deformity.  I told her it doesn’t matter.  The point of the story is how to treat others – not what we look like.

         I must confess that I had actually stopped reading it with Jenna and would read whenever I'd pick her up from school.  I was able to finish the book while waiting outside of mom's room.  It is a really fun book narrated by a variety of people who each tells his or her point of view.  

        The story focuses on a boy who has a unique appearance - a face that makes most people do a double take or are horrified or threatened by what they see.  August is fully aware of the reaction and behavior of those around him and school is a challenge but proves to be possibly the best thing that he's ever done.
        The story takes us from August's point of view to his sister, Olivia, to his friend Jack (and it is Jack's narration that had me laughing the hardest) and other friends of both August and Olivia.

         Very well written.  Highly entertaining.  And very thought provoking.  Enlightened and threaded with precepts and moral values.  Loved the book.

Still Waiting

Kayla and Corey spent Thursday night at the hospital with mom.  And on Friday morning all of her children surrounded her and enjoyed conversation – especially when mom would laugh at just the right moment as though she was laughing at our jokes, but sometimes it just felt like she was really listening to someone outside of our presence.

Corey asked mom if she had a favorite hymn.  She responded that it was a secret. She must have been conversing with someone on the other side.  Perhaps a suggestion had been made: “They are planning your funeral.  Can you believe it?  We should just make your pulse count go higher.  You outlive the two weeks you’ve been given.  We’ll show them”

Mom was laughing. It would make for a great final memory.  Her pulse went up. She spends most of the day just sleeping.  We can get her to drink sometimes but she won’t eat anything.  Hospice designed for making loved ones as comfortable as possible.  She was not comfortable wearing the oxygen tube and so we had it removed. She looks quite peaceful when she’s sleeping. 

Some of our conversation went a bit like this (though mine and Corey’s words are actual, the others are imagined)

Me:       So how long are you staying

Corey:    I can stay indefinitely

Angel:    Did you hear that?

Mom:     Coery is such a good son.

Angel:     He said “indefinitely” Do you want to test him?

Mom (smiling): That would be kind funny.

Her pulse went up and they have moved her back to Alpine Ridge where she will spend her final days. It almost felt like a cruel joke - though a joke she would have never gone along with, as she has never been one to toy with people’s emotions.  It’s highly probably that Joh may have to return to Vegas before mom passes on.

It would not be a very nice thing if Corey stayed for thirty days or so and return to Las Vegas and then return for the funeral. Mom wanted to return to Alpine Ridge before she returns to dad.  I will take Jenna to Alpine Ridge this morning.

Waiting

Before Sunday

Mom was laughing,

she was walking

and dressing herself.

She was singing

on Thursday as Harold

accompanied on guitar.

Sometime between four and six

on Sunday morning

she got out of her chair. 

We don’t know why. 

She may have been headed

toward the bathroom. 

Or perhaps she could feel the

pain of a mild heart attack.

She was checked on at four. 

She was sleeping peacefully

in her chair.  But when

she was checked in on at six,

she was found on the floor. 

Her clothes were wet

with urine and perspiration.

She was loaded into

an ambulance and rushed

to the hospital.  Her legs

were badly swollen. 

She was diagnosed with

rhabdomyolysis  . 

The infection spread into

her legs and

kidneys and heart

probably.

She’d been hooked up

to machines and

needles and

was given cat scans,

an MRI,

a pick line and

an emergency surgery

on her legs. 

Her children felt so

helpless as I imagine

the doctors did too. 

Everybody did his or her job

best to his or her ability. 

We learned that her

kidneys had failed and that

she would need dialysis

and at least one of her legs

would have to be amputated.

On Wednesday two children stayed

the night at the hospital

so that she wouldn’t be alone.

On Thursday

we spent the day waiting –

waiting for the doctors to come,

waiting for Corey to arrive,

waiting to be moved

to a bigger room.

Mom had lots of visitors. 

A Lot. There was

the Relief Society Presidency,

Ross and Fern,

Peggy and George,

the bishop

and Harold.

Hunched over Harold.  

Sharply dressed –

wanting to spend time

with his lady friend.

Sunny and Fern called him

an angel.  And he is. 

Jenna made a card for Harold

who has been beside himself

since he learned

that the ambulance

had taken mom away.

She might never return

to the assisted living

facility.  She may die

at the hospital.

The doctor came and

explained about hospice. 

Mom was moved

to a bigger room. 

Corey arrived

and is spending the night

with her

at the hospital.

Now we are waiting

for dad to escort mom home. 

It’s time already. 

It is somewhat freaky

how quickly it happened. 

A week ago she was active. 

Now she is in bed. 

And we’re still waiting. 

                                                                                     kfralc

My Most Unfavorite Time of the Day

         I generally drop Jenna off at school a half hour before she needs to be there.  I also arrive on the lot before all other cars so as to not fight school traffic.  Jenna has always taken her time walking to school or across the field.  When I am the driver who is picking her up, I welcome her dawdling.  In first grade we were always the last car to leave the parking lot. I HATE school traffic.

        

         Kayla was looking for a sitter for her two and as Jenna’s school is the same distance from their house as it is from my own,  I figured I could watch them at Kayla’s house and then pick up Jenna.  I should have left her house the minute that Kayla came home. 

        It’s been four years since I had lived in that same neighborhood and wasn’t taking into account that the school in that area lets out a half hour earlier than Vantana.  Before I went out to my car (which was parked on the street) I saw the yellow bus pulled up by Kayla’s house.  I wasn’t aware that there was a bus stop on that street.

         The stop sign was out and lights were flashing.  It was behind me and I didn’t know if I had to wait for it or not.  I waited for just a bit until I realized that I wouldn’t be getting the attention of the bus driver really soon (as she was visiting with a parent) and as I was not passing the bus, I pulled forward through a maze of cars and dumpsters (that must have been really great fun for the bus driver)

         I have never liked the main street which is closest to street where Bill and Kayla live – nor the cross street at the second intersection.  Lights were blinking red indicating that traffic wouldn’t be moving at a rapid rate.  Ahead of that were the spaces of red X’s and green arrows and three lanes of broken yellow lines that always make me feel like I’m driving inside of a video game.  Perhaps it’s popular in bigger cities, but that is the only street I know of with that set up.

         What’s ironic is the street seemed desolate for decades.  I remember when my mom had driven out to her uncle’s house sometimes when her mom was in town.  The drive seemed sooo sooo long.  Now it’s congested and makes me tense. 

         Bus STOP sign, dumpsters, children, traffic lights and merging . . . What’s normally a ten minute drive took me eighteen minutes.  Fortunately I had given myself twenty.  But alas, I wasn’t the first one to arrive in the parking lot.  I was too late just to park in the shade.  But I didn’t have a long wait like I did when Jenna was in first grade.  Actually she’s been getting out to the car rather quickly.   Must be the seven habits.