Let’s Override Bullying and Manipulation

It’s been a couple of months since I took Jenna and her friend to see The Mysterious Happy Life of Brown Bag by Greg Near. I honestly did not know what it was about – but it was playing at the library and gave us something to do for free.

It started out cute and funny.  Jaime, Trume and I all laughed.  Towards the end though, they both got bored with it and I don’t think they realized what had even taken place.  The one act play had taken me from laughter to tears in just a matter of seconds.  Brown Bag had been bullied because he was different.  He so desperately wished to have friends that he allowed them to manipulate him – even though he knew that because they were trying to hurt him, they really weren’t his friends.

After the play the cast members and writer and some others held a discussion panel.  Trume and Jenna both wanted to leave – which I understood.  It’s not a comfortable subject. But I thought it was important that we stay and get some feedback.

So many of the children (what little there are) that surround us are from broken homes and dysfunctional families and perhaps it’s just what they’ve learned from their own surrounding circumstances and upbringings.  I wouldn’t classify any of them as bullies (just yet anyway) though there are a few that have been able to manipulate Jenna.

Jenna had always been the leader when we lived in our first part.  Yes, she was a bit manipulative – but in a positive way.  She never tried to hurt her friends.  She never tried to seek pleasure by embarrassing another or enjoying watching others get into trouble or what have you.  She’s just always had a head full of great ideas and would strongly suggest that her friends play her games.  But they always had fun together.  There was never anything cruel about her domination.

Over here things are different.  She has somehow allowed herself to get sucked up into things that she hasn’t been comfortable doing – and I repeatedly tell her to stand up for herself and not to get sucked in.  A real friend wouldn’t allow a friend to feel uncomfortable.  I’ve used my own examples as well as referring to The Mysterious Happy Life of Brown Bag and repeatedly asking if she remembers what happened to him.

I used to worry about Tony, too.  Tony has always seemed socially awkward (actually, both two oldest boys have) and I was afraid he would fall in with the wrong crowd.  He is swayed so easily. Even as an adult I think he is easily manipulated. I’ve always wished that he would stand up for himself and not allow others to walk all over him.  But he has been walked on a lot.  

Jenna and I are over here to learn something.  I don’t know what it is.  Gratitude perhaps.  Because right now we are not very grateful.  I’m finally comfortable in my own ward, but not with the neighborhood.  Not with Jenna’s friends (or lack thereof)

 

I don’t deal well with bullying.  I am so upset with the results and the pain.  Manipulation needs to vanish.

Mark’s Very Own Stocking

          He entered another house in a countless number of foster homes.  It was mid December and his new foster mom asked what he would like for Christmas.  His request was simple.  Never before had he been in any home long enough to even celebrate Christmas.  He wanted his own stocking – which Diane had planned on getting anyway.

          They went out that night and allowed him to choose his very own stocking and made sure his name got written at the top.  He beamed for days and asked for permission to take his sock with him to school.  For him it represented a sense of belonging, something he hadn’t felt for almost ten years.

          His biological mother had abused him and who knows how many others?  He had been recycled in the system so many times it wasn’t any wonder that he understood what it was to feel neglected and abandoned.

          The first time I remember seeing him, Mark had a tremendous speech impediment as he had an obvious stutter.  He was hard to understand, I thought.   It must have required great patience on Tim and Diane’s part.  But they raised him.  They made him feel secure.  They made him feel whole.  He got to the point when it didn’t bother him to be hugged or touched appropriately – whereas before he’d been majorly uncomfortable about it.

          What a huge difference this couple had made in Mark’s life.  He was reared in the LDS Church and had many positive influences – but there were some who still continued to have problems with him and would often make fun of him and his speech.  There were a tremendous amount of obstacles that he was able to embrace or allow to work to his advantage.

          In time he learned to speak without stuttering.  When he turned eighteen, and the state cut off financial ties for him, he remained a part of Tim and Diane’s family.  They loved him and he loved them.

          True story.  Except for the names.  There are thousands of Marks in this world.  How fortunate we are to have the many who are like the Tims and Dianes among us who can wipe out the negative and insert the positive.  I feel so blessed to have been part of their lives myself – even if it was only for a short time.

Doogie Howser in Hunter Orange

DoogieHowser ran from September of 1989 to March of 1993.  I have actually never seen an episode.  I remembered seeing previews for it.  But the entire concept of this teenage doctor was just so bizarre – I couldn’t imagine spending time watching it.  I’m quite surprised it was actually on for four seasons.

          I have been a consumer in several stores throughout my life.  The older I get, the younger the clerks become.  Too often I will encounter those who seem clueless, who seem to have no sense of direction with customer relations, who look at me as though I’ve sprouted horns or am talking in a foreign tongue.  I refer to those kids as “fetuses”

          There have been a few, however, that just “look” younger than they are, but speak with such maturity and sophistication that they sound much older than they look. (I think Neil Patrick Harris looked way younger than fourteen when the show started) It is the male population of these wise that I have nicknamed “Doogie Howser”.

          There is a handful of Doogie Howsers in my ward.  I guess they seem so much younger to me because the average age in the ward is above 70 – and those that I dub as Doogie Howsers are all in their 20’s – though this one in particular appears to be younger than any of my boys but as we’ve lived in the ward for three years – and he has lived here with his wife in all that time, I know that he’s older than my youngest two and probably my eldest.

          Wade’s worn his hunter orange cardigan to Church a couple of times.  One can’t help but notice as it is truly bright.  The last time he had worn it while blessing the sacrament I was reminded of a situation that Corey related to me – he was told that he would not be able to participate in blessing the sacrament as he was wearing a purple shirt.  Really?

          I understand steering away from casual wear – out of respect to our Creator – at the same time we don’t KNOW the reasons that people wear (or don’t wear) what they do.  Corey happens to like the color purple – and he looked nice in his non-traditional Sunday suit.  He wanted his own identity – his individual worth.  But nobody had asked if that was the case . . .

          Maybe all his white shirts had been damaged in the washing machine when it broke down.  Maybe the purple shirt was the only one that fit.  We don’t know.  Wade may be wearing his orange cardigan for whoever bought it.  It’s definitely an attention getter, and he teaches Jack – our only young men aged youth.  Maybe Jack listens better when he has that sweater glaring at him.  Or maybe he can’t find his suit jacket and the cardigan is warm.

          In my last ward there was a persnickety Pharisee who harped on the dress code almost every week.  I think she was offended that there had been a few show up in jeans or more casual wear and wouldn’t even make an effort to dress another way.  Wouldn’t it be more important to Jesus to have his children show up than stay away due to a strict dress code?

          I’m not bothered by it – but I know some people are.  Another example is a counselor to the bishop came dressed in jeans.  It’s all he had.  His wife had passed away that week and no one had picked his suit up at the cleaners.  He was conducting.  With emotion, he announced his own wife’s upcoming funeral.

          I don’t normally wear panty hose – even to the temple.  My legs chafe.  I’m certain that God understands.  He is, after all, the one that gave me my overly sensitive skin.

          I know some people get lazy.  Some become wrapped up in their own thoughts that they forget why others are dressed up. But I know the Savior would still welcome them with a smile.  He would even allow them to bless and pass the sacrament knowing their worth and worthiness lies on the inside and not outward appearance.

          I am grateful for those who are willing to embrace others just because they are there. For those who don’t pass judgment.  For those who accept.

Interpretation of Dreams and the Worth of Souls

          Roland has often told me about different dreams that he’s had and always concludes with, “What do you think it means?”

          Dreams are just that.  Some are bizaare.  Some are wonderful.  Some you hope to never “dream” again.  And perhaps some do have meaning.  Truthfully, I don’t place too much value in dreams.  I think that is how God communicated to his children at one time – and perhaps still does to some – though I think the methods of communication have broadened sufficiently since then. My personal opinion is that, overall, dreams really don’t mean a whole lot.

          Still, I often have crazy dreams that I will write down or share just because they are so bizarre.  And sometimes I ask myself what would have caused me to dream it.  But I never go into depth about the possible symbolism that may (or may not) exist. 

          Last night I dreamed my nephew-in-law was getting married.  The strange part about my dream is that I don’t think it was to my niece – though I don’t remember getting a good look at the bride’s face.  But physically she looked too short and not quite so thin as my niece, Ellen. Actually I don’t recall remembering any of the wedding party – except for my niece (Ellen’s sister) who is currently in junior high right now.

          I believe the marriage itself was in the temple.  I know I watched them get married.  And suddenly everybody was changed into picnic casual – except for me and my niece – though her skirt and vest were a lot more casual than the white strapless dress that I was wearing – a dress that was pretty, but one that I personally would NEVER wear in real life.  Not in front of others anyway.  Not to a picnic.  And certainly not to the temple.

          And suddenly my thoughts turned to weddings past and things that had been missed out on.  I tried to shut it out.  I was tired.  It was early and I wanted to sleep still.  But I finally got up and turned on the computer and started reading through many of the comments left on this post.

          So often we allow ourselves to feel unloved, useless or unwhole because of certain comments made in society or by the Church.  We are told that we need to fit into this perfect mold, this compact Mormon box – and if you have feminist thoughts or same sex attraction or if you don’t go to the temple a certain amount of days or if you wear open-toed shoes without hose to Church or if you don’t volunteer for at least every other canning assignment – well, you just don’t fit into the box and you need to repent and turn your life around.  And if you don’t, you are not worthy of the “Mormon Box” Club.

         The young women of the church are taught values.  One of these values is Individual Worth. This is defined as individuals, each with her own divine mission which she will strive to fulfill – “for the worth of souls is great in the sight of God”. 

         I don’t believe he is looking for carbon copies but expects us to be true to Him but also true to ourselves – even though sometimes the two may seem to conflict.  We still have to find what makes us happy and stay true to who we are meant to be regardless of path others may follow or think that we should follow.  No matter how we act or what we do or who we are or how we dress – we will NEVER PLEASE ALL PEOPLE – we all have our own differences, our own personal taste, our own individual worth.  It’s important that we remain TRUE TO OURSELVES.  We have all been given the same guidelines but are still free to make our own choices and receive our own personal revelations.

And sometimes these personal revelations may conflict with the teachings of the Church – or our own interpretations of those teachings anyway.  My brother gave up his membership to be with his partner – someone he would like to be with not just on this earth life but throughout all eternity. It is something he pondered about and struggled with for a long long time.  And he knows (as well as many others) that the decision made was right for him.  But the path that he’s on may not be the right one for all homosexuals.  He’s on a divine mission with several bumps in the road.  God has given him that unique gift of smoothing the path that others may follow.  He is a pioneer.

 Neither Corey nor his partner chose to feel same sex attraction.  Really, why would an individual subject himself (or herserlf) to choose being shunned, misunderstood, or have suicidal thoughts because he or she does not measure up to Club Society or the Mormon Box?  Why would one choose to be closeted and live life in fear because the feelings and emotions that one may experience don’t jive with what is being taught.  If one does decide to come out of the closet, he or she risks being rejected by friends, family members, society . . . because why?  Because there is that desire to be true to oneself and to be accepted and not ridiculed for not measuring up?  So they are not entititled to the same blessings anymore?  Seriously?  Is that really how God works?

Stake Conference is in just a few weeks.  It is most likely that a new president will be announced.  My husband may be considered for the position – perhaps NOT as the stake president but a counselor maybe – though it is the president who will have to pray and find revelation to call his own counselors – Roland is being considered.

And here I am not wanting to jeopardize his enthusiasm but still feeling desire for Corey and others to feel more than just a sense of belonging verbally (though many don’t even get that) – but to continue with membership if they so desire – to be able to take the sacrament again.  Especially when they are so strong in the gospel in Spirit – but their names have been removed, their membership diminished. And still there are many who remain closeted and hope the feelings will go away, that they don’t bring shame to anyone, who try to live up to the Church’s expectations but are not happy with themselves.

It wasn’t until after I returned from my temple recommend interview that I questioned myself – had I answered the questions honestly?  I had at the time that I gave them.  It came so automatic that I hadn’t questioned it at the time of the interview.  But I suppose I do sympathize with a group whose teachings are different from what is taught in the LDS Church. 

Thus far I haven’t acted upon it – such as campaigning for their cause by going door to door or holding picket signs or what have you – and probably wouldn’t because of Roland’s position.  He doesn’t have the same understanding that I have acquired.  And I did have to acquire it – for I once agreed with every single message I’d received from the leaders of the church and would ask no questions.  Now I view the homosexuals as a fellow Christian trying to save her Jewish friends during Hitler’s reign.

Will society make the homosexuals put bands upon their clothes – similar to the star of David (perhaps a rainbow – God’s sign of promise) – so that we will know?  Will we all the sudden treat our family and friends like lower class citizens – as though they are less important?  Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.  The worth of ALL souls not just straight souls, not just green souls, not just female souls . . . . fortunately God’s worth is so much greater than that of men.  For God is not the one who labels us and classifies us into categories of tolerance.  We are all worth more to Him than men can even comprehend.

Recently (on Youtube) I watched excerpts of Oprah’s interview with Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka and viewed it as such a sweet relationship and thought of what a remarkable love went in to planning their offspring and how incredibly blessed they all are.  And yet they have surely received criticism by many who refuse to understand, who refuse to see the miracle that has taken place between them, who view them with Pharisee eyes. I really appreciate Oprah’s “ah’hah” moment that she shares in the last 15 seconds of this video.

 A straight couple can have an unwanted baby on accident, but a gay couple has to plan and save and jump through legal hurdles to have a child, and so I would think there would be more love invested in that child (or children)  We’re people.  We are all people.  We’re not star bellied sneetches – though many of us act like we are.