I have a friend named Heather (actual name) who has this blog in which she will often ask questions at the end of her posts. Three of my answers have been so weighed with detail that I answered by email rather than leave a comment on the post, as some of my comments turn out to be larger than the post itself.
The first question I remember actually sending an email for was when she asked, “What are your triggers?” At first I couldn’t think of one. It was ten days before the Christmas tree skirt came out. There was my trigger. A horrible memory that I should just get rid of. And yet it’s a busy time of year and replacing the tree skirt is never a priority – and it’s probably petty of me to feel the need to replace it anyway.
Before you can understand the trigger itself, you’ll need some background.
All too soon after the boys’ mother passed, Roland decided to marry Satan’s sister. In addition to our three boys and daughter, my husband has two other girls, Francis and Pamprin – whom I wasn’t even allowed to meet until over a year after Roland and I had been married.
After another two year battle in court, we were finally able to have them for overnight visits – but not every other week. Roland’s ex did everything in her power to sabotage the visits. I had so many nicknames for her: the greedy snake, Malificent, Adolf Hitler, the peroxide cow (which in itself is an insult to all cows everywhere) and Satan’s spawn to name a few.
I sent the following email to Heather:
“The thing that triggers me is the Christmas tree skirt. The emotions are buried within me when the skirt and tree are put away - but each year we decorate I growl inside.
“I bought the skirt the same year that Roland's pampered princess spent the holidays with us. It wasn't totally her fault that she was such a brat - her deranged mother catered to her every need - often at the expense of her older sister - whom they both treated like a pack mule.
“I think I actually invited Pamprin to go with me - or rather gave her a choice - she could go with me or stay home with Tony (their absolute favorite brother and probably the only reason they agreed to visitations in the first place) She chose to stay.
So I left the girls with Tony - Jenna included. Jenna was less than a year old.”
“The handyman had come to finish up in the bathroom. Pamprin was "scared" - called her deranged mother the second I left the house I'm sure. Maleficent (my nickname for Roland's ex) in turn called the sheriff’s department - who pulled up to our house the same time I did. I was so mad. I still get upset about it [whenever I see the skirt]. Maleficent has been a thorn in our side for years. I have many wicked and unpleasant thoughts because of her interference. (I think she is bi-polar - for real)”
Recent news stories about the deranged Josh Powell (one of many stories is found here) triggers up anger to a less-than perfect system – one that failed Charlie and Braden Powell – the same one that awarded custody to Malificent who has robbed the girls of their minds. She has not attempted to blow up herself or the girls – too greedy. Needs them so that she has something to leverage with.
I need to get over it – I know. I should be more compassionate towards her. She needs professional help. But it is the girls who suffer the most.
That is actually another reason why my blog gives a false identity. Malificent will take me to court if she should ever read my blog and figure it out. She’s one of those sue happy psychopaths – who often will get her way as the system continues to fail those who are really trying or need protecting.
I’m not even sure why I have created this post. It’s not pleasant to read or look at. It is something that I need to overcome. Perhaps if I post it for the whole world to see it will provide me some sense of relief. Some sort of goal that I need to set for myself. Only time will tell.